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Tuesday, 28 November 2017

WWE Top 50 Villain List Gets Political

Comedy "wrestling" troupe, WWE recently revealed it's list of the top fifty villains in it's history, and it is clear that a certain degree of personal bias managed to find it's way into the final countdown.

Most of the list consists of the standard fare - Jake Roberts, Rick Rude, Ivan Koloff, etc, complete with glowing descriptions of their in-ring abilities, mastery of psychology and how much the fans loved to hate them.

Slightly more surprising are some of the non-wrestlers that made the cut, Eric Bischoff is understandable to most as he did eventually work for the company and appeared in the ring from time to time.    What has caused a few raised eyebrows is the inclusion of villains who never worked for WWE, but are perceived as being 'enemies of the state', such as former head of TBS - Ted Turner - and L Brent Bozell, who, like Turner has not been a threat to the WWE for two decades, which in the mind of Vince McMahon may as well be this morning in terms of his holding a grudge.

But the entries that stand out the most are notable less for the individual but for some of the contoversial, and personal, descriptions used for them, such as:

No 46: Iron Sheik - "Batshit crazy former Champion who is only on the list because we owe him for transitioning the title onto Hulk Hogan, frankly he was a fat bastard who we thought was expendable - what, we were gonna sacrifice Muraco in 1983? Are you mad?  Speaking of which, who would have thought that in 2017, the Iron Sheiks twitter feed would be more socially acceptable than Hulk Hogan?"

At least they stopped short of calling
him "HIV Positive Wolverine"
No 43: Big Show - "Largest professional athlete in the world who wreaked havoc during the early Attitude Era. He debuted by destroying a cage at St Valentines Day Massacre, then went on to try and destroy the whole WWE by wasting his size, talent and a shitload of company money by diving into a pool full of cheeseburgers and coming up 100lb overweight and no fucking use to anybody.

No 38: CM Punk - "Sinister leader of the cult-like Straight Edge society who was so loathed by fans that they still chant his name in hatred years after he quit the WWE in a hissy fit like the whiny little bitch he is.  Aww, did baby get a staph infection? waah, waah.  Why not go to MMA and get your boney ass kicked by a nobody - oh wait, you already did that, hah!"




Saturday, 25 November 2017

Worlds Scariest Human Also Into Guns

Braun Strowman, the product of the unholy union between the biblical Behemoth and another, even larger behemoth has launched his own YouTube show about guns, because if there is anyone on the planet who needs to be armed, it is the seven foot, 380 lb basket of fury.

This man with an AK-47 is still
less harmful YouTube
viewing than Pew-De-Pie
In the show, Braun, a legitimate contender for Worlds strongest man with a truly bizarre beard, speaks enthusiastically about his favorite weapons for killing people and animals.

Said Strowman "Obviously it is more fun to annihilate things with your fists, but with the busy lives we are all living these days, sometimes you need a quicker alternative than slowly squeezing the last breath out of one of gods creations" He continued "which is why in my eight part series, I'm going to discuss the best tools of annihilation to use in different situations, and which one is right for each member of your family - from a small calibre pistol for the baby, to semi automatics rifles like the Remington R-45for Dad, all in time for the holiday shopping season"

Strowman has great plans for the show and has an exciting climax planned for the season one finale. "I don't want to say too much, but lets just say I bring down a helicopter with a tank mounted surface to air missile launcher, but here's the kicker - I fire it from my shoulder with my bare hands!"

Upon learning of the show, and Brauns love of guns, the world let out a collective shudder of fear.

Friday, 24 November 2017

Charlotte Names "Career Boost" as Dream 'Mania Opponent

Charlotte Flair, former WWE womens champion and recent victim of the disturbing trend of hacking celebrities nude pictures, has named her dream Wrestlemania opponent in a blatant attempt to not only get on the card of the 'Grandaddy of them All' but to try and steal some headlines from other performers.

Said Flair, who has clearly inherited her fathers aptitude for self promotion (but hopefully for her
This is the entirety of
Charlottes 'Vision Board'
sake, not his penchant for banging 10,000 random strangers) "Obviously we have a lot of really talented ladies here in the WWE, and it would be an honor to face Becky (Lynch), Bayley, Sasha or an of the many, many deserving opponents, but there are two who really stand out. I would love to face Ronda Rousey, she is so amazing and she is the leader of the Four Horsewomen and my dad was th leader of the Four Horsemen, so the storyline writes itself. Plus, she is the biggest PPV draw in the world and I can attach myself to her like a barnacle on a rusty boat - just think of all the publicity!  It would totally be worth having my face smashed in by a legit fighter"

And her other opponent?  "If I couldn't face Ronda, then my other dream match would be against Stephanie McMahon. I know she isn't a wrestler, but as the second in command of the whole company, you just know our match would be pushed to the moon!"
"So yeah, basically I'm a publicity whore, just like my father, except he didn;t care about the publicity, he was just a regular whore"

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

WWE "All In" On Pissing On NWA Legacy

No sooner had the WWE reversed it's long held stance of refusing to use other promotions ideas, than it has announced that it is going "All In" on ripping off the NWA, and the initiatives of the late Dusty Rhodes.

Said WWE junior writer Jed Fugelstein "I just think everyone figured that Vince (McMahon) wouldnt go for anything that Dusty came up with, but then when the Raw ratings starting tanking worse than ever and out of the blue I just blurted out 'why not do a War Games, we own the rights anyway' and regretted it immediately. I was positive I was going to be fired on the spot but all of a sudden, this creepy grin appeared on the bosses face and he screamed "I love it", then he ordered us to watch as much old NWA stuff as we could because we are going "All In" on ahem, recycling, the ideas that Dusty, Ole and Jim Herd came up with"

Just as fans started getting excited about it, the company announced that the War Games match would
Mahal main-eventing is still
better than Ronnie Garvin
be relegated to an NXT show, which amply demonstrated how much support the company is giving the concept.

Fugelstein continued "Then, HHH announced we were resurrecting Starrcade. I mean,  I never thought we would do the one show that predates Wrestlemania, but then he told us that Jinder Mahal was going to be in the main event and suddenly it all became crystal clear"  "Yep we are going to spend the next three years copying and then pissing on these ideas. From a great height"

Anaysts have predicted that future shows could include the Tower of Doom with Baron Corbin and Big Cass against the whole Smackdown heel roster, Future Shock, comprising a round robin tournament of Fandango, Kalisto, Heath Slater and El Torito and the return of the BattleBowl featuring, actually, even the WWE couldn't make that idea any worse no matter what they do with it



Thursday, 16 November 2017

Corgans Plans for the NWA

New owner of the NWA, 'Bald' Billy Corgan has been discussing his plans for the promotion and what he feels wrong with the industry at the moment.

“Wrestling has become kind of more insular and I think that’s hurt the business overall. Now to somebody who’s more of a hardcore fan, you could argue they’re getting more of what they want. But I would certainly argue that it’s hurt wrestling overall with the general mainstream fans. Thats why I'm going to bring in the kind of names that have mass appeal - the JYD's, the Barry Windhams and that hot young star Tommy Rich"

and we have a commitment
from the Dumont Network
for a weekly show!
On trying to have the NWA target younger fans: “We are going to target the general fan. Wrestling needs to get younger in terms of the audience it’s after. I think wrestling as a business a lot of times
kind of shrugs its shoulders how they track the 15- to 25-year-olds. I would argue if you can’t do that, you’re not going to have much of a future anyway. So we are going to have all the latest computer graphics for the TV show by using my Commodore 64 and get this, we will have entrance music when the guys come to the ring, probably Nickelback songs, I'm a big fan" He continued "but we won't be ignoring our older fans, I have already sent a personal invite to one of the NWA's most legendary champions to be the new Commissioner - yep, Shane Douglas will be a fine figurehead for the relaunched company.

Monday, 13 November 2017

ROH Still Bad at Naming Events

Ring of Honor, the inexplicably still solvent wrestling promotion has gone above and beyond in it's quest to give it's events the most ridiculous names imaginable.

Like New Japan but on mushrooms
Not content with it's previous success with ludicrously monickered events such as 'Man Up' (2007), 'Border Wars' (2012) and 'Hostage Crisis' (2012), all of which sound like bad Steven Seagal movies, the company has taken it to a new level in 2017.  Said company spokesman Brian Horstein "we felt we were losing our edge for a while there, but when creative came up with  'Chris Jericho's Rock n Wrestling Rager at Sea' we knew we were back in the game of shit event names!"

He continued "we are branching out into clunky names, you know the ones that look like a Japanese
sentence run through Google Translate"

"A case in point is our upcoming 'Sunshine State Excellence Event' , I mean, what the fuck kind of title is that?, it's brilliant! But wait until 2018, we have some barnstormers coming up like 'Super Happy Fun Wrestling Time' and 'The Slam, Suplex Boing Boing Hour'"

"Seriously, we are just trolling fans now"

Billy Corgan "Nearly Left Wrestling" After TNA

During a recent interview with The Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan discussed his plans for the NWA, and how he nearly quit the wrestling business after his dealings with TNA. 

It's been a rough couple of...decades
“The way the whole TNA thing went down, I felt pretty strongly there for a while there that maybe I should just get out of the business, but then I came to my senses and realised that TNA hasn't produced anything that could be classed as wrestling in years, so phew! I felt so reinvigorated about the sport that I went straight out and bought the NWA!  I honestly feel this is the best decision I have made since I shagged Courtney Love, but hopefully this one won't require penicillin.

HHH Continues to "Tease" Wresting Rock at Mania

Speaking to a group of fans in Portugal, HHH, the man who booked himself to 37 world titles threatened teased the prospect of him facing The Rock at Wrestlemania 34.

“Lately, for whatever reason, there has been speculation about myself and The Rock. I have put it out
I'm just as succesful as him.
 I have a pipe and everything
there, and he has put it out there. Actually that's not true, he hasn't put it out there because he has been really busy being the most famous man in the world, but I would love to step in the ring with him one more time. I assume he would say the same thing if he had the time between making and promoting billion dollar movies, and that he wants nothing more than to do it at Wrestlemania.  At this point in time there has been no formal conversations had, so I don’t want to get people too excited, especially me, but if the opportunity came up, I know he would be honored to lose to me again"

Immediately following the release of this transcript, the WWE has released a pre-sale discount code for the event in New Orleans. 

Monday, 30 October 2017

Vince Ecstatic About WWE 'Going Viral'

The common flu virus,
Vince's new No 1 guy.  Already
more over than Roman reigns
At least four WWE performers have had to be pulled from upcoming shows due to a mystery virus that is spreading through the locker room, and company Chairman Vince McMahon could not be more happy about it due to a misunderstanding  of basic English.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to shout excitedly "We've gone viral, that's fucking fantastic!"

"By god, we are constantly pushing Twitter and Facebook on our shows, and we are frequently the
number one hashtag in the world. I don't actually know what that means, but Stephanie tells me it's what all the kids are doing so it's important even though it makes us no money whatsoever"

"I can only hope that the rest of the locker rooms gets just as viral, if tehy do, we might just sell out some of the shitty, c-level PPV's we've been putting out lately"

Neville Changes Mind About Quitting After Returning Home to Newcastle

Diminutive high flier Neville has reportedly quit the WWE as he is unhappy, but as a native of the North East region of England, abject misery is his default setting.

Years of wrestling around the globe have given the former PAC an unreal sense of how
This is Neville, on Christmas morning,
having just been given a cute puppy as a gift.
he is delighted
good his life should be and that smiling is actually an option.  This newfound sense of self worth has led to his dissatisfaction at being relegated to the 205 division and then having to lose that title to Enzo Amore of all people. Apparently neither the Red Rooster nor the Brooklyn Brawler were available.


Since quitting the company and returning to his native land, Neville has experienced a change of heart and is hoping he can return.
The north east of England is a former industrial powerhouse turned post apocalyptic wasteland with few job and even fewer days of sunshine. It makes modern day Detroit look like Cancun on spring break.  Said Neville; "Ah forgot hoo feckin aaarful this hea playce wez , Ahm gunna caal HHH te ax fre mah jerb back like, y'naaah"


Sunderland residents refer to t
his as 'The Posh Bit of Town'
We have no clue what that means either, and it is this confusion that may prove to be his salvation.  When he left the voicemail on Stephanies phone to announce he was quitting, nobody could comprehend his thick Geordie accent, so they just assumed it was a prank call from a lunatic.

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

Kevin Owens Explains Why He Isn't on the WWE South American Tour

Former Universial Champion and noted pie enthusiast, Kevin Owens has spoken about the reasons he will not be on the WW's upcoming tour of South America.

Said Owens in an interview with ProWrestlingPoopScoop.com;

"There's a bunch of reasons really, I got a few injuries I need to heal, I want to spend some time with
This was the face he made
my kid, and there was little bit of erm, unpleasantness a few years ago. I don't wanna go into details but I was in Venezuela to get some of those super strength slimming pills because, well, look at me. Anyway, there was a bit of a miscommunication and I ended up being forced to carry two pounds of heroin across the US border, in my bunghole.  Problem was the slimming pills kicked in about 50 miles from the check point and, yada yada yada, if I ever show my face in Caracas again, they are gonna slice my nuts off. I like my nuts where they are"

Broken Necks, Concussions No Longer a Thing in Wrestling

With noted head case Kurt Angle announcing his return to the ring, and the expected unretirement of Daniel Bryan when his WWE contract expires, it appears as though pro wrestling has found cures to injuries that were perviously thought to be career ending.

The 48 year old Angle, whose head is attached to his body by a mixture of crazy glue and chewing gum, feels confident that he can still go in the ring. To ensure he doesn't suffer an injury that could literally cripple him, he has booked himself into a safe match at TLC. He will be teaming up with 'career killer' Seth Rollins and dean Ambrose in handicap match against five opponents including Sheames (who ended Daniel bryans career) and Braun Strowman -the strategically shaved woolly mammoth masqueradind as a wrestler.

I mean, how much damage can
German suplexes do to the neck anyway?
Bryan, who risks death every time he sneezes, has been inspired to return to action by Angles insane decision. He is justifying the risk by claiming he views wrestling as an art form and he just wishes to exercise his creative muscles, and he has just had a kid who just won't stop screaming so he pines for the sweet release of death.

Said WWE spokesman Carl Johnson;
"Wrestling has always been on the cutting edge, we zig when everybody else jags, I mean, wrestlers were wearing hyper color shirts and Zubaz pants in 1993 when nobody else was, so it comes as no surprise that just as the world learns about the effects of CTE, wrestling just completely ignores it and goes from strength to strength"

Upon hearing the news, both Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Manning have expressed interest in forming a tag team in the hopes of their injuries going away through the power of wrestling.


Saturday, 21 October 2017

TNA Branching Out Into Pizza's

TNA / GFW / Impact / Billy Corgans Travelling Freakshow, or whatever it is called these days, has announced a major strategic move - into the fast growing world of pizza!

The company announced the launch of the  “Impact Pizza” on a conference call recently.  They’ll be holding a press conference at the Crust & Crate Fast Fired Pizza Pub in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada on Friday, where they’ll be unveiling the Impact-themed pizza and an Impact signature beverage. Bobby Lashley and Eli Drake will be on hand to promote it and then physically deliver it to you in 30 minutes or less, or your order is free.

Said current GFW CEO Jason Brown "We are the first to admit that times have been a little tough in the wrestling business, what with us not actually promoting any shows at all, so we felt the time was right to branch out in a new direction, and who doesn't like pizza?   He continued "And would you like extra cheese on that sir, no problem, it will be $28.50 and will be with you very shortly, thank you for your order"

Thursday, 19 October 2017

Nia Jax Breaks Through Wall, Granted 'Leave of Absence'

Nia Jax, the six foot, 240lb monster of the WWE Womens division has been granted a leave of absence by the company after storming out of Monday Night Raw.

The decision to grant Jax the unplanned and unrequested leave came after she got pissed off about being made to again look stupid on the show, and still not being the women's champion despite being the fucking obvious choice.

When she sneezes it causes
 a 5.0 scale earthquake
Jax was already on edge after her best friend in the company and lapdog, Neville quit the WWE a day earlier.  On Monday, she reportedly reached her limit of crappy treatment by the company, fllipped the catering table without anything actually eating anything (which shows how mad she was) before heading to the exit, with extreme prejudice.
A number of male wrestlers attempted to restrain Jax without success. (Side note, Big E Langston, Darren Young and Luke Gallows will be unavailable for house shows next week due to undisclosed injuries)

She then broke through a wall, flipped an ambulance in the car park (for real - eat that Strowman) before stomping through the streets of Portland, scaring Japanese tourists shouting "Gojira!" as she passed.

Throughout the rampage, WWE COO HHH tried to initially order her to calm down, then ask nicely, before pleading on his knees not to hurt anyone before calling after her "So we will call this unplanned leave yeah? Cool, thats totally cool, enjoy your time off, please don;t punch that police horse, aww shit, she did it"

Thursday, 28 September 2017

WWE to Book Reigns Against More Legends

In what many hope is a final attempt to get him over, the WWE are planning to continue Roman Reigns incredible win streak over legends, because everything else has clearly failed.

Following his clean pin of the Undertaker at flagship show, Wrestlemania and his win over John Cena at September filler show No Mercy, the promotion figures that beating legends may just be the key to finally making fans care. The only problem is the company does not have any legends left on the roster, so they are doing what they do best - recycling shit from their past.  Unfortunately, The Rock is no longer prepared to demean himself by wrestling and Hulk Hogan is more toxic than Blinky the Three Eyed Fish. As a result, they are digging even further into their history, with digging being the operative word.

Imagine how much
better he will be now?
At TLC, the company has persuaded former WWE champion Pedro Morales to come out of retirement, followed by arguably the biggest legend of the 70's - Bruno Sammartino - laying down for the superman punch and possibly suffering a broken neck (because that worked before).  If that doesn't work, they are going to bring out the big guns - the Royal Rumble opponent will be a handicap match against the still warm corpse of Roddy Piper and the hopefully not too putrified remains of the 'Macho Man' Randy Savage.  The plans for the next Wrestlemania remains for Roman to beat Brock Lesnar, however, if he not sufficiently popular by then, he will be taking on the Ultimate Warrior in the main event.  Thankfully, the recent demise of Warrior has not had a significant impact on his workrate so the match won't suffer.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

John Cena Lands New Movie Role

Building on his success as heavily muscled lunkhead who speaks two words in 'Daddy's Home', his role as heavily muscled drug dealer who speaks three words in 'Sisters' and heavily muscled idiot boyfriend who actually has a few lines in 'Trainwreck', WWE star John Cena is to take on his most challenging movie role yet.
In Daddys Home, he made this guy
look like Laurence freakin' Olivier
In a radical departure, the star of the original 'The Marine' (where he played a heavily muscled lunkhead with a giant gun, but few lines dialogue) is to star in a new adapation of EM Forsters 'A Passage To India'. It is a classic and complex tale of cultural mistrust and false accusations that doom a friendship in British colonial India between an Indian doctor, an Englishwoman engaged to marry a city magistrate, and an English educator.

Cena is to appear as Mrs Moore, an elderly English woman, a role that earned the venerable Dame Peggy Ashcroft an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in1984.  "Sure it's gonna be difficult to live up to the performance that Dame Peggy gave, but with hustle, loyalty and respect and some prosthetic make up, I can do what I have done for fifteen years in the ring - make fans boo the shit out of me"

The movie is being jointly produced by WWE Films and Merchant Ivory Productions and planned for a December 2018 release, a move designed to garner maximum awards buzz.  Casting is almost complete with Jinder Mahal as Aziz, Shane McMahon as Fielding and Brie Bella in the pivotal role of Adela.

Said WWE Films Chairman Vince McMahon "It's an obvious move for us, we need to class this place up a bit and we are all in on exploiting the Indian market so we are hitting this hard.  Obviously we are gonna punch the script up a bit - that Forster guy was pretty fucking dull, so we have added a couple of car chases, the Taj mahal blows up and Cena has got some Mrs Doubtfire-esque slapstick scenes. There's no way it can fail!"

Monday, 25 September 2017

Ryback Whining about Having to Work On Christmas

The increasingly irrelevant former WWE "Superstar" Ryback has taken to his podcast to complain yet again about earning a lot of money working your dream job in the global leader in the industry.

This time he was whining about having to work over Christmas and decided to speak for everyone on the roster that he is no longer a part of.

Pictured: desperate, steroid infused athiest
“Whether it was USA [Network]’s idea or Vince [McMahon]’s idea, who knows whose idea it was? But they’re looking at it as a way to make money and the problem with that is you’re dealing with human lives.” Ryback added, “we have all these other days of the year we could run. We could do two tapings the week before. I just feel bad for the guys because they have no choice. No one can say anything there. I guarantee you not one of them wants to be there" before adding;

"Except me of course, I would work Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashana, Ramadan, Kwanza, you name it, I would put wrestling ahead of any kooky religious shit if Vince would take me back. Oh please take me back! I'm not good enough to work for ROH, New Japan doesn't have any room for more Americans and even I'm not desperate enough for ugh GFW"

hilst he appears unwilling to debase himself by working for the former TNA, he has done the next lowest thing in an effort to sweeten his prospects of getting his job back - by sucking up to the top star.   "I love Roman Reigns" he said, although listeners struggled to hear it through the grinding of Rybacks teeth as he forced the words out past the bile rising in his throat.

Sunday, 24 September 2017

Ed Nordholm Explains How Impact Wrestling Differs From WWE

Executive vice president of the inaccurately named Anthem Sports and entertainment, Ed Nordholm, has been speaking about how GFW / Impact differs from the WWE.

“Our tagline is ‘Less Talk More Action.’ It’s a style of wrestling that focuses more on the action in the ring than in the storylines, because we have no writers and none of the wrestlers stay here long enough for us to risk planning a long program.  Also, we like to think we offer fans a more personal
Pictured; a man trying to rationalise
the impossible
experience, in fact on some of our shows, the ratio of in-ring talent to audience members is close to 1:1, whcih is something the WWE cannot offer while they sell out 20,000 seat arenas.  I would also say that one of the big differences is that the wrestlers we sign are not the type the WWE would look at, or they have looked at and rejected them out of hand, and don't forget that we didn't have to pay Jeff Jarrett a hundred grand before he left - we got that one for free, chew on that Vince!"





Friday, 8 September 2017

Report: Jarrett Demands $100k To Walk Out on GFW

Consumer of Kurt Angles sloppy seconds and founder of Global Force Wrestling, Jeff Jarrett, has reportedly taken a leave of absence from his position as CEO, Chairman, Head Writer, Receptionist, Janitor and Valet Parking Attendant with the company.

GFW is a wrestling promotion that employs the revolutionary concept of not putting on any wrestling
Be honest, wouldn't you pay
$100k to make this go away?
shows, but seems to exist only to make headlines in the online wrestling press through making increasingly outlandish announcements and purchasing equally disfunctional organisations such as TNA

What impact this will have on the "company" is yet to be revealed, but the prevailing wisdom is that whenever Jarrett leaves anything, it usually spells an uptick in fortunes.  This fact is not lost on Jarret, whom insiders claim tried to use a tactic that worked for him before.

"He remembered holding Vince Mcmahon up for $100k to drop the IC strap before leaving the company in the late 90's and look how that went for WWE" said a close friend of Jeff.  "He figured that if GFW is in such a bad state, his leaving could only improve things so he figure they would pay a pretty penny like Vince did"

GFW have made a counter offer of a 10%  Arby's coupon and 89 cents they found down the back of the couch, which comprises the organisations total assets.

WWE Reassessing Company Culture After Success of Mae Young Classic

The popularity of the WWE WOmens titles and the tremendous success of the Mae Young Classic has caused the WWE to reassess its core values, according to recent reports.

Holds a PhD in Economics, made to strip for a
septagenerian on live TV - the WWE everybody!
The promotion has always treated women as either sex objects, objects of male desire, or eye candy, as evidenced by the numerous evening gown and bra & panties matches during and the near constant references to 'puppies' whenever a woman was on screen during the Attitude Era, but since taking a departure from this approach and presenting females with respect and dignity.

"I never imagined that portraying chicks as legitimate athletes with brains and emotions instead of just living barbie dolls to be ogled would be successful, how could I have got it this wrong all these years" said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. "But we have always done it the old way, it's what made us what we are, didn't it?"

"Maybe we aren't really a big man territory after all? Actually that might explain why everybody loved Daniel Bryan and CM Punk and hates HHH and Roman Reigns with the fire of a thousand suns" "and I guess Bret Hart was pretty popular, man I feel bad for the little guys I never gave a fair shot.  I'll make it up to them and get Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit on Raw next week to apologise and give them the credit they deserve"

Other core values McMahon has asked his inner circle to re-evaluate the following core tenets of the company:
- No more than three black wrestlers in the company at any given moment
- Do we really need at least four Hillbilly characters at all times
- Fans love to see members of the McMahon family as often as possible don't they
- Network specials should run a minimum of six hours
- Despite the fans overwhelming love, Cesaro must never receive a headline push


'Sport' With Mostly Adolsecent Male Fans Surprised Womens Tournament Is So Popular

WWE officials have been pleasantly surprised by the viewership for the Mae Young Classic, according to reports this week.  

'Classic' competitor Sarah Logan - in no
way spank bank material for adolescent boys
The Classic, which pits thirty two of the worlds finest female wrestlers against each other in a tournament comes hot on the heels of the success of the WWE UK title tournament. The WWE thought it could produce some easy filler material for the Network by repeating the same format but using nubile women instead of pasty white guys with bad teeth.  As an added bonus, there was the possibility of garnering some mainstream press by using UFC rejects like Shayna Baszler,  and ,they could royally piss off the Fabulous Moolah, Mildred Burke and countless legendary Japanese wrestler by naming it after Mae Young.

Upon seeing the number of views the first two episodes generated, WWE COO, HHH was said to be amazed.  According to sources within the company he was visibly shocked that a product featuring dozens of beautiful, athletic women writhing around with each other would prove so popular with their fans.  Said HHH "Our core audience is males aged 9-17, and I know what that demographic wants - twenty minute monologues at the start of Raw by my wife or her designated lackey, and me, The Game, making a triumphant return every January to hog the tv time in the run up to Wrestlemania".

He continued "I mean, what teenage boy in his right mind would rather watch Toni Storm and Rachel Evers wrestle instead of the Cerebral Assassin?  I guess it's the novelty factor - yep that's it, novelty, it's not me"

Thursday, 7 September 2017

WWE Issues Cease & Desist Notice to Young Bucks

Aggressive t-short peddlers and occasional NJPW and RoH tag champs The Young Bucks, have been issued with a cease and desist order by the WWE

Said WWE spokesman Bobby Finkelschaub:
Whatever that is, just...stop it, ok?
"While we (the WWE) aren't happy that they are using the DX crotch chop, but that was famous twenty years ago and the WWE does not live in the past or pine for the Attitude era in any way at all. What we are objecting to , in the strongest legal sense, is their very existence. I mean, enough already with this Superkick Party bullshit and their inescapable Twitter feed" He continued

The legal action explicitly demands that the Bucks "stop being so fucking irritating and a little less greasy". In additional narrative to the court, the WWE added "We admire the self promotion abilities of these third rate rockers knock offs, but would it kill them to wash their hair, the grubby little shits. I just want to punch that stupid faces! aaargh"

The Young Bucks have responded as they always do, through their social media feeds, because, millenials.



Monday, 28 August 2017

Lana Clarifies 'Leave Request' Rumors

Wahts wrong with this picture?
9 does not equal 2.5,
if you know what we mean
The WWE's wannabe Bridget Neilsen and owner of the least convincing Russian accent in wrestling since Matilda the bulldog belched after eating a bowl of borsch, Lana, has hit out at internet reports that she and husband Rusev have requested a release from the WWE.

"It's all nonsense, why would vee ever vant t leaf such a fine organisation as the WWE?  The WWE is
berry berry good and TNA is berry berry bad" She said in her puzzling voice before reverting to her native Floridian, white trash accent. "Ah nevah asked for a release, ah was asking for a deevorce from that fat hairy husband o'mahn. We wuz only meant to be married for like five minutes so he could get his green card but he's been stuck to me like a fly on shit ever since"

She continued "Ah mean, how come those Bella girls get to marry good lookin' champions and ah get stuck with a fireplug thats been rolling around on a barbers shop floor? It just ain't fair"

Should the couple split, the WWE faces a tough decision over which of the pair to keep. On one hand, Rusev ticks all the company boxes - he is a useful foreign heel they can use in xenophobic angles and he is pumped so full of steroids, his sweat has a street value of $200 an ounce, but in the other, Lana is a tall sexy blonde.  Vegas has the latter as heavy favorite to be retained.

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Becky Lynch Comments non UFC Stars Coming To WWE

Irish steampunk enthusiast Becky Lynch has commented on the prospect of a number of female UFC stars coming to the WWE to challenge for the seemingly endless number of womens titles.

With Shayna Basler entering the Mae Young classic and the long rumored signing of flash-in-the-pan former UFC champ Ronda Rousey inching ever closer, the chances of seeing the 'Lass-Kicker' actually getting her lass kicked for real are increasing by the minute, and Lynch is not taking it lightly.

Remember this face, it may
not be quite so appealing
soon
"Shit!" Lynch was heard to remark to friends "I only just managed to get out of that Cyborg situation and now there's a feckin' army of the buggers comin", before adding "Begorrah!"

The "cyborg situation" refers to Lynch's social media spat with UFC featherweight champion and possible real life terminator, Cris 'Cyborg' Venancio that nearly resulted in a bout between the two at Summerslam, which would most likely have been Becky's last day on earth.

"Oi made sure me will was up to date, just in case. Nobody's going to get their hands on me lucky charms Oi happpen to be murdered in the ring by that walking steroid syringe"

Now there may be even more female killing machines joining WWE, Lynch's prospects of reaching retirement age do not look promising.  Case in point: Cyborg has a record of 18-1 in her MMA career and is considered one of the worlds greatest fighters,
either male or female, whilst Lynch wears stupid goggles and is a ginger so is already at a genetic disadvantage.

Many observers claim that this is just a publicity stunt to cash in on the publicity for cross-combat sport matches generated by the MacGregor vs Mayweather fight, and that Cyborg will co-operate in a perfectly safe worked bout, but Lynch is not taking any precautions.

Said a friend "Becky hasn't got time  to get good enough at real fighting to take on any of these women,  so instead she is making sure that her family are looked after should the worst happens.  Her extensive collection of top hats and goggles will go to her parents, whilst the pot of gold that she protects will be held in trust for future generations of leprechauns"


GFW to Sell Title Belts for $2K


Global Force Wrestling have announced that fans will soon have the opportunity to purchase GWF title belts for a mere $2,550 each.   http://topropebelts.com/global-force-wrestling-belts

Each belt comes with a unique serial number, a certificate of authenticity,  a lucite stand and a full
Seriously, $2.550!
schedule of dates that the new owner will be expected to make between the time of purchase and the folding of the organisation, which. is expected to be within a few weeks.

That's correct, you not buying a replica belt but the actual GFW title itself.  Said company spokesman Will Dubbard

"We believe this is a fantastic opportunity for fans to own a piece of their favorite wrestling promotion and for us, it gives us a champion, which is something we have struggled to keep hold of lately" he continued "plus, at the astronomical price of more than $2k, it will keep the company afloat for a few weeks, its a win-win for everybody"

Whilst anyone foolish enough to spend their hard earned cash on this belt will be booked to headline upcoming GFW shows, this will not prove to be a problem given their upcoming schedule.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

WWE Responds to Leaving Hulk Hogan Off Survery

The WWE has responded to reports that they deliberately left WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan out of a recent survey sent to fans.

The company asked fans to select their 10 favorite WWE Superstars, NXT Superstars or WWE Legends. Included on the list were long time WWE haters Bruno Sammartino and Ultimate Warrior, leading creative forces and faces of the company's biggest rival in the 1980's Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair and drug overdose victim Eddie Guerrero. 

Said WWE spokeperson Joshua Higginbotham "It was not a deliberate slight against Mr Bollea,
His friends wives just
cannot resist...this
we just wanted to ascertain which of our legends and current stars who aren't 3 Mile Island level toxic from a publicity standpoint, they prefer. Yes it does include a number of questionable characters such as wife beaters, drug addicts and felons, but of we excluded all those, the list would be Bob Backlund"


"I'm sure Hogan will be included on our upcoming survey of fans favourite racist, homophobic cuckolds who hate the fifth amendment"

Strongman Strowman Flips Ambulance, Pressboard Table

Former Wyatt family member, Braun Strowman demonstrated his formidable strength once again at Summerslam, proving once and for all that the WWE has no idea how to present such acts in a believable manner.

A few weeks ago, the WWE attempted presented fans with the laughable sight of the only wrestler
Pictured: Not Possible
with sufficient mass to generate his own gravity, flipping a 10,000 lb ambulance during an attack on Roman Reigns, whilst on the most recent PPV, they attempted to convince fans that his overturning a cheap pressboard table was somehow a threat to Brock Lesnar's life.

Despite the announcers attempts to sell the move as devastating, it was clear from the way the table bounced that it was only mildly more uncomfortable for Brock that shiatsu massage or having a flock of ducklings waddle over his back.

These conflicting and desperately unconvincing representations of strength are not the first time the pro-wrestling has failed to show feats of strength convincingly.

- In 1988, Ultimate Warrior and Hercules snapped a papier mache chain painted silver to look like steel during a tug-o-war
- Also in 1988, walking charisma vacuum Dino Bravo 'broke' the world bench press record despite weight plates clearly being made of plastic and saying 'Fisher Price' on the side
- Hulk Hogan's 1987 bodyslam of Andre the Giant that claimed the 360lb Andre was actually 600lb, and that nobody in history had ever managed to do it before despite the reams of evidence showing the likes of Harley Race, Antonio Inoki, El Santo, and literally dozens of others slamming the huge Frenchman, including such unlikely candidates as Terry Taylor, Tommy Rich, Santino Marella and Doink.






Sunday, 30 July 2017

Two More WWE Network Shows Cancelled

Edge & Christian show
Too pricey is the official reason but upon review it was determined that there was not one single laugh in the entire two series

"It's amazing really, it shouldn't be possible to fail to make a single humorous moment, especially when there are two full series of shows. I mean even Schindlers List managed a minor chuckle in it's three hours of doom and gloom, but Edge and Christian? Nope, not a one. They should send it to MIT or something to study it"

Also, a planned game show hosted by R-Truth has been cancelled before it was broadcast. A statement from the WWE Network said "If the reasons why we cancelled this show are not immediately obvious, please re-read the phrase 'game show hosted by R-Truth"

Strowman, Angle to Form Abused Mens Support Group

Following his recent altercation with Karen Jarrett in a bar, Hagrid lookalike Braun Strowman has formed a support group for abused men with Jarretts husband, former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle.

The seven foot tall, 380lb Strowman was reportedly brought to his knees in front of his colleagues by the five feet, 110lb Jarrett in a scene that was both terrifying and amusing in equal parts. Reports that he peed his pants are unconfirmed but what is known is that Strowman has formed a support group for victims of abuse with Raw GM Angle.  Whilst it is nominally a group that will meet to provide emotional support to other men who in abusive relationships, it is really to give them some respite from the terror that is Karen Jarrett.

"At the very least, it will give me an hour away from that frightening woman" said husband Kurt
Coming to a church basement near you soon

Angle.  "People think I'm a legit tough guy because of my amateur wrestling background, but even I'm shit scared of my wife so I'm not surprised at what she did to Braun"

When asked for comment, former husband Jeff Jarrett responded  "Why do you think I carried a guitar around with me even after I stopped doing the stupid country singer gimmick?  Protection!  I can't play a lick. I really thought Kurt would do better, but I guess not.  I might take them up on the offer of joining the group though"

In addition to Jeff other people invited to join the group include the baristas at the local Starbucks, the  UPS guy who delivers to the Angle / Jarrett household, their neighbours, and pretty much any man who interacts with Karen in any capacity. 

McMahon Inspired by 'Nobody Speak' for the Wrong Reasons

Vince Mcmahon, Chairman of the WWE has apparently recently watched 'Nobody Speak', the highly acclaimed documentary centered around the Hulk Hogan vs Gawker leaked sex tape case and has drawn inspiration from it for all the wrong reasons.

He also though Bambi was
pro-hunting and sided
with the shark in Jaws
Whilst most people understood the core message of the film, that free speech is under threat from the super-rich, who are able to suppress stories they don't want made public via the threat of litigation, McMahon had a different takeaway.

"Wait, you mean billionaires can manipulate the press?? Why didn't anybody tell me?  You mean I could have squashed all that shit people have written about me, even if most of it was true? I could have sued that assmunch Mushnick into oblivion all this time??" McMahon (net worth $1.2bn) was heard to rant at his assistant.  "Jesus, some is gonna get fired over this. Now rewind that tape and lets watch it again dammit!!"

Friday, 28 July 2017

Jinder Mahal Fails To See Why He is WWE Champion

Current WWE champion and Winstrol V vial made flesh, Jinder Mahal is apparently unaware of his role within the company, as evidenced by his recent interview with the Times of India.

"I truly hope to be champion when the WWE next tours my homeland of India so that I can speak to my people in Punjabi and feel the love of all the Indian people as they cheer for me, one of their own as the number one wrestler in the WWE"

As holder of the WWE's secondary title, native Canadian Mahal is laboring under the impression that
I can't wait to go back to my homeland,
with its forests full of moose and rivers
of ice-cold Molson-ey?
there is a chance that he will not be the headliner on the company's tour of the second biggest market in the world. Moreover, he seems to believe that his reign will last more than a few days longer than the tour itself.

"It is an incredible confluence of fate that I, someone who can pass as native Indian, was able to win the championship at the same time as the WWE started it's expansion into the homeland of my great, great grandparents"  he added "Thats a real stroke of luck don't you think?"

Should Jinder be under any illusion about why he has been raised from curtain jerker to (sort of) main eventer, he need look no further than mid-90's WCW performer Frank Andersson was their headliner in Sweden whilst failing to even gain a spot as a jobber on Saturday Night, or late-90's WWF where barely mobile steroid monster Davey Boy Smith had a European title created for him, only to lose it on the last night of the UK for no reason other than to fuck with him.

Upon the conclusion of the Indian tour, the Reign of Mahal is expected to last milliseconds rather than millenia.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

WWE Creative to Change Kevin Owens Character

With the impending return of Russian (well Bulgarian but they are all basically the same to the WWE) uber-heel Rusev, the company creative team has decided that Kevin Owens anti-American persona needs to be changed for fear of having two identical characters.  Rusev was chosen to be the one to keep his gimmick for two main reasons: Firstly, Russia (and Bulgaria) is much more foreign than Canadian, and secondly, he has a hot wife which carries more weight in the company than anyone dare admit.

Pictured: Concept art for
the 'new' character
The writers have struggled to come up with something for the former Kevin Steen.  The chubby prizefighter gimmick is already taken by Samoa Joe and Owens isn't quite fat enough to become a Yokozuna / King Kong Bundy level monster heel, but they feel they have come yup with a winning
idea.

After a brief hiatus to have his hair bleached and curled, Owens will return to TV as host of a new interview segment entitled 'Kevins House of Flowers' where he will interview other wrestlers whilst wearing lipstick and nail polish.  He will still wrestle, and is scheduled to win the next Money In The Bank match so that he can win the briefcase and scrawl 'Take it easy with Mandy' on it, a phrase that will never be explained.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Adolsescent WWE Fans More Excited for Leaked Pics Than Battleground

It has been revealed that the WWE has warned its stars that more leaks of embarrassing pictures are likely to hit in the internet soon, which led to an urgent crisis meeting between management and staff.

There were several drills educating the the talent on how to avoid getting caught by not accepting gifts of cellphones or usb sticks, how to spot an internet phishing scam and most of all, they stressed the need to avoid taking naked pictures of yourself at every opportunity.

"Really, that was the most important lesson that we wanted to get across" said HR advisor Simon Johnson "all the rest is good advice, but if the wrestlers can just resist the temptation to take a photo of their erect schlong and Snapchat it to a ring-rat, they might just avoid any scandal. Oh christ, that was my phone, Rollins has just sent me a weiner shot. hey Seth, wrong number dumbass!"

But it is not just performers who are at risk of having their most intimate moments revealed to the public, senior management have expressed concern that some of their indiscretions may end up hurting the company stock price.  Said one WWE Chairman anonymously "Things were much easier in the old days, you could lock the Polaroids up in a safe and only take them out for jacking or blackmailing purposes" He continued "but now, some pimply Leningrad teenager with a laptop can hack my phone and show the world  what me, Patterson, Brisco and the USC mens volleyball team got up to after Summerslam 2014.  That said, it was crazy night and the pics came out pretty blured so you can't even that it's me in the photos - there are a lot of hairly limbs intertwined and that could be anyone's asshole with a bunch of flowers sticking out of it"

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Kevin Owens Responds to Leaked Pics Rumors

"I'm pretty certain it's still there"
Former WWE US Champion Kevin Owens has responded to rumors that there are leaked pictures of him about to hit the internet in typical fashion.  "Get a life, losers" he responded.  "Why would anyone want to spread private pictures of me?"

Owens is one of a number of WWE stars warned about possible hacks of their phones and iCloud accounts, but he is not concerned about any potential embarrassment.

"Hey, I am proud of my body, it's the TV network that make me wrestle in a shirt, they say it's to protect children from obscene images. If it was up to me I would be out there in a thong so if people want to see my naked selfies, I say go ahead.  Besides, my gut is so large, you can't even see my cock in them, hell, I haven't seen it in over a decade"


Sunday, 16 July 2017

Real Reason Why 'Talking Smack' Was Cancelled

Rumors have abounded as to why the weekly 'Talking Smack' show was abruptly cancelled, from low ratings to Vince McMahon not being happy with the unscripted format, but the real reason was revealed exclusively to PWIm by an employee who wishes to remain anonymous.

"It was because it was just a bit crap really"

"I mean who would have thought that pairing a charisma-free presenter who knows nothing about wrestling with a super nice, uncontroversial would fail to generate any heat?"

HHH Confused Why Mayweather Not Returning Emails

As the excitement builds to the Conor Macgregor vs Floyd Mayweather megafight, every major brand is trying to get involved to reap the benefits of the anticipated unprecedented global publicity, and the WWE is too.

I,'sniff' thought, 'sniff', we had a,
 'sniff', connection, waaaah
While the asking price to get your company's logo plastered on a ring girls hotpants allegedly starts at $10m, the WWE COO has being trying to use his insider status with one of the participants to attach himself like steroid inflated limpet to the event, but thus far has had little success.

"Me and Floyd are boys" said HHH, real name Jean Paul Leveque,"I was in his ring crew a few years back and he said to me 'Jim, make yo' pony-tailed ass useful and fetch me a bottle of water bitch', so you can see how tight we are" He continued "So I'm not worried that he hasn't answered any of my calls, emails, texts, faxes or letters yet 'cos I know how busy he is so I expect him to get back to me any day now"

Should all traditional methods of communication fail, HHH has a contingency plan.

"I'll just hang around his training camp twenty four hours a day until he meets with me and  makes me, I mean us, the company, I meant the company, his right hand man for the biggest fight in history. Then it will be me in the Fast and Furious films, I'll be the most famous wrestler in history - you owe me Floyd!! You hear me? I will not be ignored!!!!"






WWE to Sell Fidget Spinners, also Yo-Yos, Pogs

Always at the cutting edge of the cultural zeitgeist, the WWE has announced plans to sell company branded fidget spinners. The small toys that become remarkably popular for reasons that remain unclear to anyone over the age of twelve, but, as with all fads, has started to die off.

Undeterred at the liklihood that the trend has peaked, the WWE has put in an order for six million spinner devices with Xhanghou Manufacturing of Beijing, China.  The company branded spinners will retail for $15.99 (versus the $2 or $3 for non-branded models) and the cheap Roman Reigns or John Cena sticker won't start to peel off for at least four days.

Coming (and going) soon
The move into retailing fidget spinners forms the spearhead of a campaign to sell increasing amounts of cheap plastic shit like yo-you's and pogs, to gullible consumers the world over.  Said company chairman Vince McMahon

"If this goes well, I thought we could branch out into selling branded mini-disc players, but Stephanie told me that nobody uses physical media any more so instead we are going all in with Superstar themed Zune cases. It's gonna make us millions!"

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Baron Corbin Breaks Character

Former winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale and ownder of the most puzzling hairline in all of wrestling, Baron Corbin, broke character on 205 Live last night and actually had an entertaining match.

Giant stiff Corbin went 'off-script' in his bout with Shinsuke Nakamura by showing a hitherto unseen ability to sell and generating drama in the seven minute match.  Backstage, Baron was said to be "elated" with his performance and credited Nakamura for his part in it. "I mean, obviously it helps to be in the ring with the worlds best wrestler, but still, I was doing stuff they never taught me in developmental. Who knew a seven footer could do anything more than kick, punch and be tall??"

Pictured: Inconsiderate bastard
His joy was shared by everybody however.  A small child was seen crying after the match, apparently
confused by what he saw in the ring "it just didn't look real" he was heard to remark between sobs and his father expressed his outrage at Corbin spoiling the illusion of reality by breaking character so blatantly and spoiling the show for his son.

The Reasoning Behind WWE Moving Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar Up To SummerSlam

The rematch between Roman Reigns and Universal Champion and human breach of the Geneva Convention Brock Lesnar has long been expected to headline Wrestlemania 34 in New Orleans, but rumors are circulating that the bout has been moved forward to Summerslam in August.

Vince nearly shit a brick when he realised
this would have to be papered more than
a math teachers house at Halloween
Many have speculated on the reasons why this might be, from an eagerness to place Reigns in the top spot, to making Summerslam a must-see event, but the real reason was revealed in an off-the-cuff remark made by WWE Chairman in a recent interview with the WrestlingPoopChute.com weekly podcast. Said McMahon "We need to sell a buttload of tickets, plain and simple"  He continued "and Roman Reigns couldn't sell that place out if he promised a free handjob and an new iPhone with every ticket. I mean, have you seen the size of that f**king place, it's enormous!  There's no way holy hell we are filling it was that charisma free doofus on top".

On being reminded that the UWF used to regularly sent tens of thousands of tickets to the Superdome in the 1980's, McMahon hit back "yeah, but they had JYD and everybody loved him, especially his coke dealer"  "Actually, that could work, maybe if we get Roman ripped to his tits he might develop a personality. It could kill him but it's a risk I'm willing to take"

New Features Being Added to WWE 2K18

2K Sports have announced a number of exciting new features to be included in the next edition of it's ever popular WWE 2K series - WWE 2K18. In addition to the usual slew of nonsense buzzword improvements that don't actually mean anything like 'new graphics engine', 'improved grappling system' and 'enhanced Diva cleavage', the developer has added a number of actual new features that they hope will bring an unprecedented sense of realism to the game.

Deconstruct-a-Character - Tired of trying to think of a cool name for a character you will play for two matches before going back to being Brock Lesnar? then this is for you.  This new feature allows you to take existing, successful wrestlers and reduce them to one dimensional cartoon characters who instantly lose any fan appeal they once had.  Take UWF TV champion Terry Taylor from super over babyface to utterly despised chicken impersonator.  Transform scufflin' redneck Dustin Rhodes into a blatant attempt to gain publicity by making him a crossdresser, and best of all, pick any successful Japanese star and make him an offensive pastiche of Kato from the Pink Panther and the Mickey Rooney character from breakfast at Tiffany's to make sure you get zero return on the investment made on prising him from New Japan.

The new graphics engine makes the
empty seats just pop off the screen
Pick Your Era Audience - add that air of authenticity to your matches by choosing the crowd of your era and region, from the wild, whisky fuelled mayhem of 1982 WCCW, the joyous, sold-out hypercolor adorned pre-teen WWF 1988 crowd, or even the mostly empty Smackdown Live arena of 2017.

Investor Conference Call:  Assume the role of Vince McMahon (if it's been a good quarter) HHH (for an ok trading quarter) or WWE CFO George Barrios (for the standard terrible quarter) to field questions from your stockholders. Use all your defensive skills to fend off questions like "why are ratings for Raw down again" and "Why are the ratings for Smackdown plummeting". Use your creativity to pretend that giving away 300,000 free Network subscriptions per month actually helps the bottom line and show your tactical savvy to explain why your only successful headliners are either part timers, geriatrics, or both.

WWE 2K18 is set to be released in August 2017



Sunday, 2 July 2017

Reigns Calls Out Sammartino, Superstar Graham, Thesz and Warrior

Former WWE Champ and noted Daffy Duck impersonator, Roman "sufferin' sucatash" Reigns recently issued a video in which he challenged the very, very retired Undertaker to a rematch of the Wretlemania main event.  That would be the match after which the geratric Deadman made it abundatly clear was his last match.
Next on his
 hitlist:
Louis Spicoli

Said Reigns "I don't care if he took an hour to get dressed then undressed at Mania and basically did everything short of carving "I Am Retired" into his chest with a bowie knife, I want a rematch with that undead son of a bitch. Frankly I need it, its the only way I get any heat at all in the ring."

Sensing that he was on to something, Reigns recorded further videos in which he issued similar
challenges to other legends of the ring. The list of stars that Roman wants to face in order to build his own, non-existent legend includes:

- Longest ever reigning WWE champion Bruno Sammartino - retired and 81 years old)
- Superstar Billy Graham - retired, 74 years old and whose hips and nees are held together with  scotch tape and spackle
- Lou Thesz, - arguably the greatest wrestler of all time, but sadly dead these last fifteen years. (although he could probably still submit Reigns even in his now decomposed state)
- The Ultimate Warrior, also deceased which Reigns should know because he was there at the time

Undeterred by the limitations listed above, Reigns went on to rant how he could "take any of these legends out because he is the greatest and they are all "Dethpicable" and proclaiming it
"Rabbit Season" on their collective asses.

Ryback Names His Worst Match

Ryback, the homeless mans Goldberg, in his weekly therapy session otherwise known as his "Conversation with the Big Guy" podcast has discussed which was his worst match in WWE.   Amazingly, despite the literally hundreds of low-grade bouts to choose from, he managed to pluck the answer from his CTE brain very quickly.
Mahal was worse than meeee!!!!!

“The worst match of my entire career was with Jinder Mahal. We ended up doing a match on the fly and it was probably my worst match ever"


He went on to blame Mahal's inexperience at the time as the reason the match was so poor,which lends some credibility to the claim because it implies that it was Ryback himself who had to lead the action - hence the crappy match.  That said, many have commented on the incredible coincidence that he named a man who took a shit-ton of steroids and got a push to the world title.

"I'm not jealous!!" Ryback bellowed into the microphone to end the show.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

WWE answers Mayweather vs MacGregor with Johnny B Badd vs Hornswoggle

With the long anticipated megafight between shouty UFC leprechaun Conor MacGregor and the personification of dull, Floyd Mayweather finally signed, the WWE changed it's original plans for the Summerslam to steal some of the thunder back for WWE.

In a shocking turn of events, Johnny B Badd will face Hornswoggle in the main event of the summer spectacular. Said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon "If people  are so desperate to see a fucking midget Irishman get pummelled by an ageing former boxer, we will give it to them, but god only knows what the appeal is!"
Hard to see why Sable left him

Badd, real name Marc Mero, is a former Golden Gloves champion from sometime in the days of VHS, has not worked for the WWE in several years and is reportedly over the moon at the opportunity.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to emit a loud high pitched "Woooooh!" and shot confetti out of his Badd Blaster (editors note: that is NOT a euphemism).

His opponent, Hornswoggle, is a long time WWE employee as in-ring talent and comedy performer which makes it all the more shocking that he was never made world champion.   

Would stand about the same
chance as MacGregor


The company is hoping that by staging its 'Network Special' the week before the superfight, it can fool some gullible customers into accidentally ordering the wrong show.

Said WWE COO HHH "with all the fuss about a boxer vs wrestler, I figure we can give the fans the exact same thing, and you don;t need to shell out a hundred bucks, just plunk down ten dollars for a subscription and you can watch it for free!" he continued "plus, Conor will last about 30 seconds in the ring with Floyd, but we can guarantee you get your moneys worth - thats right, Badd vs Hornswoggle will be a 60 minute iron man match.  Dave Meltzer is going to have to recalibrate his whole star rating system"

Monday, 19 June 2017

Discarded Beth Phoenix HOF Speech Notes Leaked

Four time WWE womens champion Beth Phoenix was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year and gave a gracious and heartwarming speech at the star studded event.

However, according to images leaked onto the internet this week, the moment could have turned much darker had 'The Glamazon' used her original speech.   Scraps of notepaper found discarded in the ladies bathroom of the Amway Centre in Orlando.

Angry, angry young lady
Whilst the handwriting could not be verified, the content suggests that Phoenix was indeed the author and was planning to gain some measure of revenge for her perceived mistreatment at the hands of the WWE.

Highlights include:

"Ok, so I get that I wasn't the first woman inducted, and thats cool. I mean Moolah and Mae Young bitches ladies who got in before me, maaaan!. Seriously, what were you asshats thinking??  Wendi Richter!, Sunny!!   C'mon!!  What did I do, pee on someones lunch one day or something? I carried that damn division, I was the only one who took wrestling seriously for that whole time and it still took five years after I left to put me in (the HoF). Christ, even Jacqueline got in before me, seriously??

are legends, and sure, Sherri was right there at the top of the card, but when you look at some of the

"I'm still not sure I'd even be here now if I wasn't married to Edge. It took squeezing out two kids with a Hall of Famer to even get a call.  Fuckers"

New WWE PPV Naming Scheme Unveiled

The WWE is moving away from it's traditional naming convention for its July PPV or 'Network Specials and moving into a new exciting direction.

"We feel that the badass, aggressive names of the past were no longer in keeping with what our fans want. Backlash, No Way Out, and Revenge are so Attitude era, which is something we don't want to go back to until we get desperate (so in about three months).  Instead we are going to start naming our events in line with popular culture to stay hip and relevant to the kids"

Reports have it that Vince Mcmahon, WWE Chairman instigated the new direction by saying that "this rock and roll thing seems popular with the youngsters, lets use that", which has led us to the new name for the July mega show - "Great Balls of Fire"

The names of future shows have yet to be announced but a leaked schedule suggests the following:

August                     Summerslam
September               Good Golly Miss Molly**
October                   My Ding-a-Ling
October (2)             Long Haired Lover from Liverpool" (UK special)
November               Survivor Series"
December                The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
** (Molly is rumored to be the name Asuka will be given when she is called up to the main roster to  play a good old fashioned farm girl from Nebraska)

Had it not already been used, this
would have been the inspiration for the
February 'No Holds Barred' PPV'
The list has being criticised by many, but to those in the company, it has actually come as a relief due
to concern that Chairman Vince McMahon was going to name the events after ailments he is suffering from.  They would have stuck with Great Balls of Fire for reasons too ghastly to get into, with other names found on a discarded piece of notepaper including "It Stings When I Pee", "Sciatica", "Hip Replacement Surgery and  "Two Blue Pills Needed",