Bears Trade Up to Select Tyler Breeze in WWE Superstar Shakeup

Fresh off drafting North Carolina QB Mitch Trubisky at No 2 in the NFL draft - just weeks after paying perennial backup Mike Glennon a kings ransom to play the same position - Chicago Bears General Manager Ryan Pace continued his run of bizarre decisions by somehow drafting Smackdowns Tyler Breeze in the WWE Superstar Shakeup.

Pictured: Not drunk

Nobody is quite sure why Pace felt the need to pick the lower mid-carder, what he plans to do with him and how exactly he managed to get into the WWE draft in the first place.

The Bears, who have denied rumors that Pace has been drinking steadily since the end of February,

Still, it's better than Jay Cutler

made the shocking move to pick Rawley, have confounded NFL draft analysts by sacrificing two third pound picks and a fourth rounder to move up from  third to second to select a player that most felt would be a mid-first rounder who is expected to spend an uneventful three years as a backup before flaming out of the league.

Upon hearing the news that he had been picked by a franchise that is clearly trolling their fanbase, Breeze responded "aww man, really? The Bears? I'm not even a football player and I know they suck, working the opening match at a house show in Podunk Alabama is better than that"

Not resting on his laurels, Pace has announced plans to enter the NBA draft where he has been scouting 5'9 center Wally Swanson from North Haverbrook Junior College, and the MLB draft where he feels that is a wealth of untapped talent in Belgium.

Mika Rotunda Heading to WWE, Pubescent Fans Confused

Mika, daughter of Mike and sister to the former WWE Champion Bray Wyatt and, erm, the very enthusiastic Bo Dallas, has signed with the WWE and is expected to debut in NXT soon.

Mika is the one on the.....right??

Whilst this is seen by many fans as a great signing that will enhance the NXT roster, and it is certainly great news for the Rotunda family,there are a number of fans aged 12-15  who are less than impressed.

Said Bobby Fingler, 14 from Sweetwater, Texas "It sucks, no sooner had we figured out the strange, confused feelings about Charlotte Flair and her disturbing similairty the that Crypt Keeper guy who appears in photos with her, but now we get another sorta hot girl who looks too much like the male members of her family"

Said friend Will Jensen, 13, salf proclaimed 'Baller'  "Don't get me wrong, I'm aaallll about the ladies and the Divas in WWE, they scratch my itch if you know what I'm sayin', but this chick - she is a chick, right? is just too close to her brother. I mean, what if I'm alone in the house and I pick the wrong Wyarr for my special alone time?  It might make me gay"

When approached for comment, Mika said "for the last f***ing time, I'm Bo! not Mika!!"

Early Betting Odds for WWE Payback PPV

Here are the early betting odds for Sunday’s WWE Payback PPV event:

US Championship: Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho

- Jericho chokes on his own stupid scarf (9/1)

- Kevin Owens wears a t-shirt to hide is flabby gut (1/6)

- Nobody is fooled by Owens Shirt (1/15)

Raw Women’s Championship: Bayley vs Alexa Bliss

- Bayley fails to be as over as she was in NXT (3/1)

- Bayley is still more over than Alexa Bliss by a factor of fifty (2/1)

- Far too many grown men will hold up signs saying 'Hugger Section" and feel no shame whatsoever

Cruiserweight Championship: Neville vs Austin Aries

- Match will feature the best aerial maneuvers seen in WWE in 2017  (5/1)

- Less than 30% of the live crowd will see them as they all head for the concession stand / bathroom (2/7)

Raw Tag Team Championship: Hardy Boyz vs Cesaro and Sheamus

- Sheet writers have already written articles proclaiming this the best match of the card (7/1)

Ambulance Match: Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman

- The pace of the match forces Websters to both invent and redefine the phrase 'Ball Numbingly Slow' (10/1)

- Braun Strowman exhibits his inhuman strength by carrying Reigns to an acceptable match (7/2)

- Roman Reigns employs more than five moves (2000/1)

House of Horrors Match: Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt 

- The WWE projects images of Care Bears and cartoon unicorns onto the mat during the match, on the basis that insect and other gross images totally failed at Wrestlemania (5/1)

- The match lives up to its title for all the wrong reasons (4/1)

- Abdullah the Butcher somehow ends up in a fake electric chair at the end (14/3)

Seth Rollins vs Samoa Joe

- Someone gets injured and will be out for 7-12 months(11/1)

- It will be Rollins (7/1)

- He will do it to himself as karmic retribution for ripping off Kenny Omega (1/3)

UK Champ Bate Announces WWrexit Plan

Current WWE UK champion Tyler 'Don't call me Master' Bate has announced his decision to split from parent company WWE to test the market as an independent entity, free of the "tyrannical shackles of his corporate overlords"

Bate admitted that he struggled with the decision, claiming to be 52% in favor of leaving and just 48% wanting to remain.  He went on to justify his decision with a bullet pointed list of the benefits of

"Freeeeddooommmm!"

his WWrexit plan.

- An independent wrestler on the UK scene does not need the massive resources and publicity of the WWE when I can earn upwards of fiteen pounds (approx $10) a night performing in pubs an clubs the length and breadth of Lancashire.
- Before the WWF(E) became popular in the UK in the early 90's, the British wrestling scene was the envy of the world (or at least thats what Bate's gran told him), right up until it TV slot was cancelled because it was drawing fewer viewers than the test card
- Having access to the US' best wrestlers and the potential of multiple five star matches with Kevin Owens, AJ Styles Nakamura and was too limiting. "I want to be free to compete with legendary stars such as Alberto El Patron, Drew Galloway, Cody Rhodes and Jack Swagger, not the cookie cutter 'superstars' that WWE churns out
- The million plus dedicated, fee paying WWE Network subscribers pales in comparison to the 60 million members of the British population. It is about time the UK reclaimed its place in the world"

The WWE has a long standing policy of having specific 'windows' in performers contracts that are the only times they can submit their resignation letter. The clause in Bate's contract, known affectionately as 'Section (or Article) 52' means he must hand in his notice to quit WWE by the end of April or risk remaining an employee for a further twelve months.

"I'll do it as soon as I have earned enough cash to pay for my plane ticket to Stamford. Thank god I have a well paying job with WWE or I'd never be able to afford to quit working for them"

WWE in Class Action Suit Over Misleading WWE 'Superstar Shakeup'

It's been two weeks after the earth shattering 'Superstar Shakeup' and fans the world over are still reeling over the shocking transfers of wrestlers between the WWE and the erm, WWE, that will undoubtedly refresh the in-ring product and bring viewers flocking back to Monday and Tuesday nights in their dozens.

We're No 1 (in HGH abuse)

There are, however, some fans who remain less than convinced that the "Don't Call It a Draft" was as special as the company would have us believe. Specifically, one group of die-hard fans have brought a class action lawsuit against WWE Inc for fraudulent advertising.

"We, the undersigned believe that the WWE deliberately, and with malice of forethought, advertised a

two night event entitled Superstar Shakeup that promised to move the biggest names in the company to either Smackdown or Raw to create exciting new scenarios. Hoever, what was delivered included the top picks being Jinder Mahal and Apollo Crews, whilst the the top five picks of each show included names such as Curt Hawkins, the Shining Stars and Tamina, none of whom could be classed as 'Superstars' and who are more likely to be working the fry station at Burger King than winning a Royal Rumble"

The suit goes on to list a number of alternative titles that the WWE should have used and should consider for the future.

'Bray Wyatt and the Who Dats'
'If a Jobber Falls in the Woods, Does Anyone Care'
'Shakeup of "Wait, he is still with the company?'
and 'Future Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal Winners'

The WWE has thus far declined to comment

Giant, Wealthy Texan Accused of Bullying, also Bear Poop in Woods, Pope Catholic

The bullying antics of Smackdown announcer and former WWE champion JBL is reportedly the reason announcer Mauro Ranello has chosen not to renew his contract with WWE.

The company, which has its own high profile anti-bullying 'Be A Star' campaign has expressed its shock and dismay at the allegations. WWE chairman Vince McMahon has promised a full investigation into why he has continued to employ the huge, wealthy, arrogant Texan for approaching two decades.
"I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to understand how I could have continued to pay JBL as

"Is it me or does it smell like
Mexican in here?" "What? its true,
I smell chilli, and laziness"

an in-ring performer and annoucer for so long, and why I have continually pushed him as one of the faces of the company despite the numerous and repeated allegations of bullying and harrasment levied against him"

McMahon continued, "While I firmly believe that I will be exonerated in this matter, it is of paramount importance to the company, our fans, our shareholders, and most importantly me, that I understand why I have paid no attention whatsoever to the allegations that were repeatedly brought to my attention until now, when they appeared in the mainstream press"

Observers expect JBL to be suspended from WWE with immediate effect and ultimately fired, before quietly being brought back in a few months when the shitstorm has died down

According to Pro Wrestling Sheet, WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair was reportedly kicked out of a bar on Sunday evening for insulting one of the establishment’s employees. Two reports claim that Flair was thrown out of “The Deck at the Gas House” in Fort Wayne, Indiana after being there for just five minutes.  It has been claimed that Flair called the barman a "Fatass" before being forcibly ejected from the establishment.  

He just wanted to bond with a fellow member
of the sloppy man-breasts club

A spokesperson for Flair has stated that it was all a big misunderstanding. He hadn't finished speaking.
"Mr Flair entered the bar and began to compliment the bartender by saying he had a fat ass,  ags under his eyes and sloppy man-boobs. It was meant to be a compliment and a precursor to an evening of merriment". He continued "While we compliment the swift action of the security staff of the establishment, this is one occasion when patience would have been a virtue. This is Ric Flair for crying out loud, he would have spent twice the GDP of Guatemala in the bar that night before passing out naked, face down in a pool of Joose Cuervo and pee"

Alberto Periscopes About Either Returning to WWE or Paige's HooHaa

Former WWE champ and borderline star of To Catch a Predator, Alberto El Patron has failed to learn the lesson of his recent drunken online rant, by going back online to answer questions from 'fans'. In one notable quote, El Patron said.

Now I know why it burns when I pee

“I don’t plan on going back there, I’m not going back ever, ever, ever. I’m too happy being out of that place. It was me quitting that place, not staying in that place and not wanting to stay, even after they did everything to try to keep me in, I said, ‘no, I don’t want to be there.’”

It's unclear whether he was referring to the WWE or the most personal area of his disturbingly young and insane fiance, Paige, after he learned of the various sex tapes that exist, and realising that her underwear drops more frequently than the beat at a Daftpunk concert.

Global Fears Over Rock as He Fails to Appear at 'Mania

Fears are growing for the safety and welfare of Dwayne 'Flex Kavana' Johnson, who did not make his regular "surprise" appearance at Wrestlemania this past Sunday.

Johnson, the former wrestler and star of such cinematic hits as The Tooth Fairy and San Andreas was expected to appear at the WWE flagship event in a 'surprise appearance', as he has done for as long as anyone can remember.

"I'm just so worried" said Evelyn Matchford, vice president of the Boise, Idaho chapter of The Rock's fanc lcub, and self proclaimed 'Rpckette for Life'.  "His unexpected appearances at Mania has become

He will probably be ok

so reliable, his missing one is like the sun not rising in the east every morning, or raw not being as boring as shit every week, it just isn't normal"

Authorities have appealed for help in locating the beloved star. If anyone has any information, the should call 1-800-STICK-IT-UP-YOUR-CANDY-A$$

Citrus Bowl Janitor to Undertaker "Your mother doesn't work here, pick up your own damn clothes"

The highly emotional twelve minute long sequence where WWE legend The Undertaker symbolically left his hat and coat in the ring to signify his retirement from wrestling has been hailed by many as one of the most poignant and memorable moments in Wrestlemania history.
The company has been lauded for handling the exit of one of its greatest performers in a sensitive and respectful manner, but not everybody was so impressed - namely the Citrus Bowl custodial staff.

To you, the end of an era, to Jose,
just more trash to deal with

Said janitorial staff member Jose Fuentes, 48, from Azalea Park, Orlando "I get that it was a big deal and he is a big star and all that, but is he so high and mighty that he can't pick up his own clothes?  He swaggers off to the cheers of thousands, but who has to clean up his mess? Me, thats who!"  He continued "What kind of example is that to set to kids?

Others were similarly disappointed. Said fan Maria Escobar who had travelled from El Paso, Texas spefcifically to see 'Taker was not happy.  "I just feel so let down by his example of not picking up after himself.  He has thrown Mick Foley off a cage, twice, married a drugged up Stephanie against her will in a satanic ritual and led an army of evildoers, and had that Summerslam 94 match,  but this is by far the worst thing he has ever done!"

We though we also found a giant piece of shit, but
it turned out to be the Wyatt vs Orton match

HHH Congratulates NXT Callups, Self, mostly Self

WWE COO tweeted his congratulations to the most recent batch of callups from NXT to the main roster.

#Raw & #SDLive now have #TopGuys, a #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle  

I was smoking a pipe when I invented NXT

... but they'll always be @WWENXT. 
Congratulations, gentlemen.

Subsequent tweets were sent but quickly deleted
#Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle lets not forget whose idea @WWENXT was...thats right @HHH, and who made the decision to call you up? @HHH

Followed by #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle. Remember the name @HHH, if you are lucky you will be staring at the lights at Mania in a few years, for who?  Thats right @HHH

His tone took a more sinister turn,
And #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle dont forget who will be signing your paychecks, well @VinceMcMahon or @StephanieMcMahon, but I'll be handing them the pen, probably

WWE Recreates ‘Alundra Blayze’ Moment with ‘Mania Title Bout

Proving yet again that they just cannot let go of the Attitude Era, the WWE is attempting to recreate the the ‘Madusa Dumps the Womens Title Into a Garbage Can Live on Nitro’ moment at this year Wrestlemania show.   The legendary 1996 incident, remembered for being a significant shot fired in the Monday Night Wars, will be played out in match form at this years flagship show by having the WWE title figuratively being thrown into a garbage can when Randy Orton meets Bray Wyatt in a mid-card, heat-free match for the belt.

Mongo is clearly staring at her boobs

By taking a chubby, perennial mid-carder (Wyatt) and squaring him off against the personification of the word dull (Orton, who is has been warmed over more times than a McDonalds Filet o’ Fish sandwich at 1am on a Tuesday), the WWE is consigning its world championship belt to the dustbin of history. 

The prestigious title, which has been held by such legends as Kane, JBL and Jack Swagger, is taking a backseat to a nonsense belt that was made up approximately seven minutes ago and which is being fought over by a part-time wrestler who has twice quit the WWE to try his hand at something, (anything, please!) different, and a middle aged one-hit wonder from twenty years ago on his third go-round, whose previous Wrestlemania bout set new standards for unwatchable and left precisely nobody pining for a rematch.

Wrestlemania is being held in Orlando. Reports that the event may have to be postponed due to an impending earthquake have been dismissed. The rumblings are apparently limited to the Sarasota region of Florida and are the result former WWE champion Randy Savage spinning furiously in his grave