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Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Mick Foley Under Impression There Will Be a Season 2 of Holey Foley

Bestselling author and unabashed publicity whore, Mick Foley decided that he had been out of the spotlight for too long.  His solution to this? Have cameras follow him and his family around as they get into ‘wacky adventures” and he has to deal with some Dad stuff that will make him appear so lovable while he discreetly pimps out his daughter for fame.

The show was not well received by critics and has been blamed for a drop in WWE Network subscribers of over 40,000 per month.  

In a survey sent to current and former subscribers that was designed to ascertain what viewers did and did not like, Holey Foley was almost uniformly derided as the worst thing on Netwrok, and that includes The Edge & Christian Show and Camp WWE.  Hatred for the ‘unscripted slice of crazy family life’ was so bad, that some survey were returned with death threats against Foley scrawled over them in blood or faeces.  This was doubly impressive considering it was an electronic survey sent by email.

Amongst the more coherent complaints about the show was from Jackson Meadows in Bois, Idaho  “I love the WWE and can’t get enoughof the in-ring action, but I unsubscribed because I didn’t want to risk switching it on and even seeing a second of that pile of hot garbage”

In response,  the company has decided that ‘Holey Foley’ will not be renewed for a second season, nor will the first season be made available on demand and the original tapes burnt and exorcised by a Catholic priest.  Any on-screen employee who even makes reference to the show will be subject to swift and immediate disciplinary
He has a point

Despite this, Mick Foley himself remains upbeat about the chances of being renewed for a second season, on the basis that “everybody loves me” and he is “just like an unwashed, toothless Santa Claus, with a hot daughter”

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Rumor: Obama To Be in Shaq’s Corner at ‘Mania?

In what would be the biggest celebrity appearance since Mike Tyson in 1998, former President Barack Obama is rumored to be appearing at the WWE flagship show in March. 

Wrestlemania 33 from Orlando was always planned to be a star studded affair, particularly with the addition of NBA hall of famer Shaquille O’Neal to the card, but reports suggest it could get even more prestigious with the addition of none other than former US president, Barack Obama, to the lineup.

It has been reported that famed basketball fan Obama has agreed to be in the corner of Shaq for his match 
Maybe I'll use the Von Erich Claw on Big Show
against Big Show at the big show in March. 

“Shaqs my friend, and hell, I got a lot of free time on my hands now I’m no longer the leader of the free world, so why not.  I’ll take a ride to Florida, take the kids to Disney world and then help my main man kick some flabby white ass”

He continued “Besides, if Trump is going to try and wipe out my legacy, I’m talking Obamacare and respect for the office, then I’m going to do the same to his, starting with WWE!  Ain’t nobody gonna remember what that orange faced bitch did in the ring after they get a load of me at Mania, if ya smeeeellll what the Barack, is cookin’!”

Saturday, 18 February 2017

WWE Elimination Chamber PPV Completes Company Feminism Quota for Next Decade

With so many of its Smackdown headliners occupied in the main event, the WWE Smackdown PPV ‘Elimination Chamber’, the company was forced to stage no less than three womens matches on the card, including a tag match.  

Whilst some observers hailed the move to have almost half of the cards matches featuring women as being

Pictured: Women doing actual wrestling
brave and moving the company into a new direction where womens matches are seen as being on an equal footing as their male counterparts, others were more cynical.

“They only used that many ladies because they needed to fill out the card” said Wade Keller of PW Torch “They allocated all their guys who can draw to the main event, and then used all the mid carders in a tag turmoil thing, so they really had nobody left”

There was none of this (sigh)
Said WWE road agent Bob ‘Sgt Slaughter’ Remus “Yep, he’s right, the bookers really dropped a bollock on that one. We had three hours to fill and nobody to fill it with, unless you wanted the Ziggler handicap match to go 50 minutes?? Thought not”  he added “besides, that one show had more than triple the amount of womens wrestling than we showed for the entire decade of the nineties, and nobody ended up in lingerie or a kiddie pool of chocolate pudding, so it should keep the feminists off our backs until at least 2026”

Friday, 17 February 2017

Linda McMahon Given Small Business Administation Cabinet Post

Reality show star, low-grade steak peddler and new US president, Donald Trump, has made a surprise move in filling out his first cabinet.

Former WWE Chairperson and twice failed Republican senate candidate Linda McMahon has been appointed to the post of Secretary of Small Business Administration.

Whilst some have questioned the decision to put the wife of one of entertainments most shady characters in a
top government job, President Trump defended move in a press conference’

“Nobody, and I mean nobody is more suited to the role of overseeing small business than Linda.  She has years of experience in the field.  As WWE chairman, she took their flagship show ‘Raw’ from a ratings monster, getting shares of 7 and 8 every Monday night, to being watched by less than half of those people – hell, maybe even a quarter.  Not only that, this company used to run three live shows a night, that a night people, and now they have cut that back to three a week.  You can’t tell me that doesn’t display incredible expertise in creating a small company. It’s just maths, plain and simple”

The appointment has been met with accusations of cronyism, siting the long personal relationship between Trump and the McMahons going back to Trump Plaza hosting the 4 hour borefest Wrestlemania 4 in 1988 and the Presidents appearance in a hair vs hair match at Wrestlemania 23.

In retaliation, Trump tweeted “Nthng 2 do with being frnds, McMahons donated $6m to my campaign. That’s why she got the job”

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Gene Okerlund Recalls Some of His Toughest Interviews

In an interview with the Wrestlesplotch podcast, legendary WWF, WCW and AWA announcer ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund recalled some of the toughest interviews he ever had to conduct in his long and storied career. 

Hulk Hogan – “Back in the AWA, he was becoming a megastar and we really clicked, our interviews were dynamite, and so easy to do, but there was one that was pretty rough.  It was the day after a long night slamming tequila and doing blow in a Minnesota strip club.  After the bars shut, Terry (as I liked to call him) introduced me to something called Juvy Juice which was just the best, just really, really good stuff.  The problem was that we had to do an interview the following morning to hype his big title match against Nicky Bockwinkel. But brother let me tell you, it was a rough!  We were both so hungover, we took it in turns to throw up. I tell ya, that interview could have won the Oscar for best editing. How the boys in the back managed to cut it to make it suitable for Saturday morning TV was just unbelievable”

Roddy Piper – “Hot Rod was a crazy crazy guy, super charismatic. We had a TV taping in Pennsylvania one
day and it was after I spent a night of smoking crack and drinking absinthe with Roddy, Sky High Low and Velvet McIntyre (a game girl if ever there was one, but thats a story for another day).  The next day, I'm interviewing Hot Rod for TV and I could barely focus on the autocue. Thank goodness Piper was a pro, all I had to do was introduce him and let him go while I focussed on not shaking too much and trying not to sweat through my tux”

Steiner Brothers – “This was in the heyday of WCW and we were doing some pre-tapes for that nights Nitro when, right in the middle of Rick Steiner telling the camera what he was going to do to Harlem Heat,  I noticed my hand growing bigger and bigger until it turned into a pineapple. It was only later that I learned that his brother Scott had spiked my morning scotch with angel dust.  We still had another three hours of interviews and a Slim Jim commercial to get in the can, and to this day I don’t know how I got through, because I was freaking the fuck out.  Aaah good times, good times”

Ric Flair – Ah, Flair, the greatest of all the talkers, but he didn’t always make it easy. When I got to WCW in ’94 I was thrown straight in and my first interview was with Ric, to promote his upcoming tag match where he and Vader were squaring off against the Hulkster and the Macho Man.Big time bout.   What fans didn’t know was that we had to do the whole interview via satellite on location in Tijuana, in front of a makeshift curtain. You see, Ric, being the party animal that he is, had kidnapped me from my hotel room the previous night, blindfolded me drove us down to Mexico where we proceeded to do just an ungodly amount of coke of strippers asses. We were rolling on something, I don't know what it was but it made everything kinda blurry and superfocussed at the same time - you know what I mean.  So we were doing the promo and Ric was on fire, probably because he was tripping balls, but what people don't realise is that behind the curtain there was a live donkey show going on featuring two of Tijuana's finest young ladies, a mule of some sort, and bizarrely, Paul Roma in a lucha mask.