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Thursday, 28 September 2017

WWE to Book Reigns Against More Legends

In what many hope is a final attempt to get him over, the WWE are planning to continue Roman Reigns incredible win streak over legends, because everything else has clearly failed.

Following his clean pin of the Undertaker at flagship show, Wrestlemania and his win over John Cena at September filler show No Mercy, the promotion figures that beating legends may just be the key to finally making fans care. The only problem is the company does not have any legends left on the roster, so they are doing what they do best - recycling shit from their past.  Unfortunately, The Rock is no longer prepared to demean himself by wrestling and Hulk Hogan is more toxic than Blinky the Three Eyed Fish. As a result, they are digging even further into their history, with digging being the operative word.

Imagine how much
better he will be now?
At TLC, the company has persuaded former WWE champion Pedro Morales to come out of retirement, followed by arguably the biggest legend of the 70's - Bruno Sammartino - laying down for the superman punch and possibly suffering a broken neck (because that worked before).  If that doesn't work, they are going to bring out the big guns - the Royal Rumble opponent will be a handicap match against the still warm corpse of Roddy Piper and the hopefully not too putrified remains of the 'Macho Man' Randy Savage.  The plans for the next Wrestlemania remains for Roman to beat Brock Lesnar, however, if he not sufficiently popular by then, he will be taking on the Ultimate Warrior in the main event.  Thankfully, the recent demise of Warrior has not had a significant impact on his workrate so the match won't suffer.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

John Cena Lands New Movie Role

Building on his success as heavily muscled lunkhead who speaks two words in 'Daddy's Home', his role as heavily muscled drug dealer who speaks three words in 'Sisters' and heavily muscled idiot boyfriend who actually has a few lines in 'Trainwreck', WWE star John Cena is to take on his most challenging movie role yet.
In Daddys Home, he made this guy
look like Laurence freakin' Olivier
In a radical departure, the star of the original 'The Marine' (where he played a heavily muscled lunkhead with a giant gun, but few lines dialogue) is to star in a new adapation of EM Forsters 'A Passage To India'. It is a classic and complex tale of cultural mistrust and false accusations that doom a friendship in British colonial India between an Indian doctor, an Englishwoman engaged to marry a city magistrate, and an English educator.

Cena is to appear as Mrs Moore, an elderly English woman, a role that earned the venerable Dame Peggy Ashcroft an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in1984.  "Sure it's gonna be difficult to live up to the performance that Dame Peggy gave, but with hustle, loyalty and respect and some prosthetic make up, I can do what I have done for fifteen years in the ring - make fans boo the shit out of me"

The movie is being jointly produced by WWE Films and Merchant Ivory Productions and planned for a December 2018 release, a move designed to garner maximum awards buzz.  Casting is almost complete with Jinder Mahal as Aziz, Shane McMahon as Fielding and Brie Bella in the pivotal role of Adela.

Said WWE Films Chairman Vince McMahon "It's an obvious move for us, we need to class this place up a bit and we are all in on exploiting the Indian market so we are hitting this hard.  Obviously we are gonna punch the script up a bit - that Forster guy was pretty fucking dull, so we have added a couple of car chases, the Taj mahal blows up and Cena has got some Mrs Doubtfire-esque slapstick scenes. There's no way it can fail!"

Monday, 25 September 2017

Ryback Whining about Having to Work On Christmas

The increasingly irrelevant former WWE "Superstar" Ryback has taken to his podcast to complain yet again about earning a lot of money working your dream job in the global leader in the industry.

This time he was whining about having to work over Christmas and decided to speak for everyone on the roster that he is no longer a part of.

Pictured: desperate, steroid infused athiest
“Whether it was USA [Network]’s idea or Vince [McMahon]’s idea, who knows whose idea it was? But they’re looking at it as a way to make money and the problem with that is you’re dealing with human lives.” Ryback added, “we have all these other days of the year we could run. We could do two tapings the week before. I just feel bad for the guys because they have no choice. No one can say anything there. I guarantee you not one of them wants to be there" before adding;

"Except me of course, I would work Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashana, Ramadan, Kwanza, you name it, I would put wrestling ahead of any kooky religious shit if Vince would take me back. Oh please take me back! I'm not good enough to work for ROH, New Japan doesn't have any room for more Americans and even I'm not desperate enough for ugh GFW"

hilst he appears unwilling to debase himself by working for the former TNA, he has done the next lowest thing in an effort to sweeten his prospects of getting his job back - by sucking up to the top star.   "I love Roman Reigns" he said, although listeners struggled to hear it through the grinding of Rybacks teeth as he forced the words out past the bile rising in his throat.

Sunday, 24 September 2017

Ed Nordholm Explains How Impact Wrestling Differs From WWE

Executive vice president of the inaccurately named Anthem Sports and entertainment, Ed Nordholm, has been speaking about how GFW / Impact differs from the WWE.

“Our tagline is ‘Less Talk More Action.’ It’s a style of wrestling that focuses more on the action in the ring than in the storylines, because we have no writers and none of the wrestlers stay here long enough for us to risk planning a long program.  Also, we like to think we offer fans a more personal
Pictured; a man trying to rationalise
the impossible
experience, in fact on some of our shows, the ratio of in-ring talent to audience members is close to 1:1, whcih is something the WWE cannot offer while they sell out 20,000 seat arenas.  I would also say that one of the big differences is that the wrestlers we sign are not the type the WWE would look at, or they have looked at and rejected them out of hand, and don't forget that we didn't have to pay Jeff Jarrett a hundred grand before he left - we got that one for free, chew on that Vince!"

Friday, 8 September 2017

Report: Jarrett Demands $100k To Walk Out on GFW

Consumer of Kurt Angles sloppy seconds and founder of Global Force Wrestling, Jeff Jarrett, has reportedly taken a leave of absence from his position as CEO, Chairman, Head Writer, Receptionist, Janitor and Valet Parking Attendant with the company.

GFW is a wrestling promotion that employs the revolutionary concept of not putting on any wrestling
Be honest, wouldn't you pay
$100k to make this go away?
shows, but seems to exist only to make headlines in the online wrestling press through making increasingly outlandish announcements and purchasing equally disfunctional organisations such as TNA

What impact this will have on the "company" is yet to be revealed, but the prevailing wisdom is that whenever Jarrett leaves anything, it usually spells an uptick in fortunes.  This fact is not lost on Jarret, whom insiders claim tried to use a tactic that worked for him before.

"He remembered holding Vince Mcmahon up for $100k to drop the IC strap before leaving the company in the late 90's and look how that went for WWE" said a close friend of Jeff.  "He figured that if GFW is in such a bad state, his leaving could only improve things so he figure they would pay a pretty penny like Vince did"

GFW have made a counter offer of a 10%  Arby's coupon and 89 cents they found down the back of the couch, which comprises the organisations total assets.

WWE Reassessing Company Culture After Success of Mae Young Classic

The popularity of the WWE WOmens titles and the tremendous success of the Mae Young Classic has caused the WWE to reassess its core values, according to recent reports.

Holds a PhD in Economics, made to strip for a
septagenerian on live TV - the WWE everybody!
The promotion has always treated women as either sex objects, objects of male desire, or eye candy, as evidenced by the numerous evening gown and bra & panties matches during and the near constant references to 'puppies' whenever a woman was on screen during the Attitude Era, but since taking a departure from this approach and presenting females with respect and dignity.

"I never imagined that portraying chicks as legitimate athletes with brains and emotions instead of just living barbie dolls to be ogled would be successful, how could I have got it this wrong all these years" said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. "But we have always done it the old way, it's what made us what we are, didn't it?"

"Maybe we aren't really a big man territory after all? Actually that might explain why everybody loved Daniel Bryan and CM Punk and hates HHH and Roman Reigns with the fire of a thousand suns" "and I guess Bret Hart was pretty popular, man I feel bad for the little guys I never gave a fair shot.  I'll make it up to them and get Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit on Raw next week to apologise and give them the credit they deserve"

Other core values McMahon has asked his inner circle to re-evaluate the following core tenets of the company:
- No more than three black wrestlers in the company at any given moment
- Do we really need at least four Hillbilly characters at all times
- Fans love to see members of the McMahon family as often as possible don't they
- Network specials should run a minimum of six hours
- Despite the fans overwhelming love, Cesaro must never receive a headline push

'Sport' With Mostly Adolsecent Male Fans Surprised Womens Tournament Is So Popular

WWE officials have been pleasantly surprised by the viewership for the Mae Young Classic, according to reports this week.  

'Classic' competitor Sarah Logan - in no
way spank bank material for adolescent boys
The Classic, which pits thirty two of the worlds finest female wrestlers against each other in a tournament comes hot on the heels of the success of the WWE UK title tournament. The WWE thought it could produce some easy filler material for the Network by repeating the same format but using nubile women instead of pasty white guys with bad teeth.  As an added bonus, there was the possibility of garnering some mainstream press by using UFC rejects like Shayna Baszler,  and ,they could royally piss off the Fabulous Moolah, Mildred Burke and countless legendary Japanese wrestler by naming it after Mae Young.

Upon seeing the number of views the first two episodes generated, WWE COO, HHH was said to be amazed.  According to sources within the company he was visibly shocked that a product featuring dozens of beautiful, athletic women writhing around with each other would prove so popular with their fans.  Said HHH "Our core audience is males aged 9-17, and I know what that demographic wants - twenty minute monologues at the start of Raw by my wife or her designated lackey, and me, The Game, making a triumphant return every January to hog the tv time in the run up to Wrestlemania".

He continued "I mean, what teenage boy in his right mind would rather watch Toni Storm and Rachel Evers wrestle instead of the Cerebral Assassin?  I guess it's the novelty factor - yep that's it, novelty, it's not me"

Thursday, 7 September 2017

WWE Issues Cease & Desist Notice to Young Bucks

Aggressive t-short peddlers and occasional NJPW and RoH tag champs The Young Bucks, have been issued with a cease and desist order by the WWE

Said WWE spokesman Bobby Finkelschaub:
Whatever that is, just...stop it, ok?
"While we (the WWE) aren't happy that they are using the DX crotch chop, but that was famous twenty years ago and the WWE does not live in the past or pine for the Attitude era in any way at all. What we are objecting to , in the strongest legal sense, is their very existence. I mean, enough already with this Superkick Party bullshit and their inescapable Twitter feed" He continued

The legal action explicitly demands that the Bucks "stop being so fucking irritating and a little less greasy". In additional narrative to the court, the WWE added "We admire the self promotion abilities of these third rate rockers knock offs, but would it kill them to wash their hair, the grubby little shits. I just want to punch that stupid faces! aaargh"

The Young Bucks have responded as they always do, through their social media feeds, because, millenials.