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Thursday, 10 November 2016

Jim Ross Comments on Hulk Hogan’s Return

Former WWE announcer and college football fetishist Jim Ross, has spoken publicly about the prospect of Hulk Hogan returning to the WWE at Wrestlemania.

“He’s a legend and the Babe Ruth of wrestling so why not, he would create a great spark in his home state, but seriously people, what do I have to do to get back with that company???”

Ross continued to rant on his weekly podcast

“He gets caught on tape with a floppy weiner, ranting about homosexuals and minorties and they are going to put him on the biggest show of the year! Maybe I should do more of that kinda stuff instead of all the in depth analysis and insightful commentary that I have been doing for thirty years in an effort to give this freak show they call wrestling an air of credibility!”

“Maybe if I took my pants off right now and started jacking my tallywhacker live on Facetube (sic), I’d get to call the main event!!” At which point he began to do just that before the webcam went black.

The following day, Ross was unavailable for comment, but his spokesperson said that the incident was not something Jim was proud of, he had a bad reaction to the medication he was taking, and could HHH call him as soon as he can because he has some great booking ideas for Rusev that involve Steve ‘Dr Death’ Williams.

Adrian Street To Release Volume 8 of his Biography – Still Only in His Middle School Years

Image result for adrian streetVolume 1 - Covered the difficult period between conception and leaving the womb “I had to fight harder than any man ever had to get out of that godforsaken place, everybody told me “you’ll be back” but I showed them, and when I cried for the first time, the world knew I had arrived!”Volume 2 – All about weaning off his mothers nipple. 350 pages, not kidding
Volume 3 – The trials and tribulations of potty training “Immediately, 'The Man' tried to get me to conform to his standards, but I wasn;t like the others in my tiny Welsh village, I yearned for more! Which is why I stayed in nappies (diapers) until I was eleven years old. They called me weird, but weird is what made me money all my life
Volumes 4 & 5 – His first day at school. Not the tale of his time at his first school, both volumes cover JUST the first day.  It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions, naps, pant wetting ‘accidents’ culminating in a triumphant finger painting of his family followed by sausages and beans for dinner.  Emotional stuff

Volume 6 – Mostly his reflections on the influence of television on a six year old Adrian. They only had one small black and white tv in the whole tiny Welsh village that he grew up in. Despite being in Wales and a decade late, he was somehow able to see the Dumont Network and was inspired by the likes of Gorgeous George.
Volume 7 – The whole book tells the tale of Christmas morning 1946. All he wanted was a little Dolly Doris, but his father, being a coal miner and not wanting his son to grown up 'bent' bought him boxing gloves instaed. "Maybe if they had just got me that doll, I wouldn;t have wanted to fight the world, but by giving me those gloves, they not only gave me the desire to fight, but also the tools!" "Didn't stop me from covering them in pink glitter though"
Volume 8 – Attending Phyphelli Middle school, the trials and tribulations of wearing glittery eye shadow to Rugby practice, and the first time people thought he was gay because he refused to agree with his friends view that “girls smell”.
Upcoming volumes
Volume 9 - A slight diversion from the linear storytelling as he debates the various names he considered for his character, before landing on Adrian Street. Brian Avenue, Gerald P Throughfare, Jake Pavement, Stuart Highway, and Peter 'Junction 13 off the M6' Polowski

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Chris Jericho and Sin Cara Involved in Scuffle

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To be fair, that face is sooo punchable
Resurgent superstar and soccer-mom lookalike, Chris Jericho reportedly got into a fight with colleague Sin Cara yesterday.  The alleged incident took place whilst on the WWE tour bus travelling to the TV tapings in Glasgow.  It is unclear what triggered the brawl, but onlookers said that it there was no more than one punch, which suggests that one of the two is a bit of a pussy.

Jericho will not face any disciplinary procedures from WWE management, due to his explanation that, because the group were heading to Glasgow, he awas simply getting into the Glaswegian character by drinking high strength lager and attempting to fight and headbutt anything in sight, including, but not limited to, lamp posts, small Mexicans and his own scarf.

Sin Cara will also receive no punishment, but only because none of the WWE Brass were aware that he was still on the roster

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Whats on Chris Jericho's List?

What started as a mildly amusing way for Chris Jericho, the to wind the fans up a bit more, has turned into a major MacGuffin for the storyline-strapped WWE writers, but who, or indeed, what is really on Chris Jericho’s infamous 'List'?
Image result for chris Jericho and list
We know its not the right list, but look at that hair!!

PWIm have received a copy of what our anonymous source assures is the real thing, reproduced here,.

My List of People & Things I Need Get Revenge On, by Chris Jericho, aged 44 3/4
  • Goldberg - a-hole would't do a program with me in WCW.
  • Xavier Woods - laughing
  • Braun Strowman - constantly farting in the rental car
  • Hulk Hogan - obviously
  • Kevin Owens - always streals the bed covers and won't let me spoon him
  • Lance Storm - I had to put up with his boring-ass stories for years in SMW
  • Blowouts Hair Salon - they cut my hair from from 1994-1999, why the f*** didn't they tell me what I looked like?
  • Booker T and Edge - can't believe they were offered that Japanese shampoo commercial ahead of me.
  • Stephanie McMahon - for stealing the thunder from my first title run Shit, I hope she doesn't see this(Editors Note) looks like this line was hastily crossed out
  • Trish Stratus - she knows what she did
  • Golddust - as above, but doubly so
  • The music critics from NME, Rolling Stone and Spin - really? 1 star reviews for my Fozzy albums?
  • Montreal Canadiens - winning all those NHL titles in the 70's when my dad was on the Rangers
  • Box of Washing detergent, Quart of Milk (Editors Note: he may have been using the list for shopping too)
  • The unstoppable march of time - where did this bald patch and pudgy gut come from?? Screw you time!

Lesnar WrestleMania Opponent Leaked, Toughest Yet

Fresh off his steroid infused victory over Mark Hunt at UFC 200, Canadian GILF lover Brock Lesnar has been handed his toughest challenge yet at WWE's flagship show, Wrestlemania.

In addition to his long list of MMA victories over former champions of Randy Couture, Frank Mir and Shance Carwin, Lesnar has beaten all of the WWE's greats from John Cena to Bob Holly, peaking in his legendary victory over The Undertaker that ended The Streak, but analysts believe the WWE has gone too far with their Wrestlemania plan. 

Yes, human Killdozer Lesnar will face his toughest challenge yet – Shane 'Shane O'Mac' McMahon.
The chubby, middle aged, greying son of the company's owner will participate in his tone bout of the year with a shot at the man who is outlawed in thirty countries as a war crime.

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Shane has made a career of sorts by working sporadically, allowing him to take insane bumps, safe in the knowledge that he will have months to recover and a giant pile of cash lie on while he does.  Who can forget the way Shane stole all the headlines after jumping off the Hell In  A Cell cage, landing safely onto some crash mats. 

Bookies have installed Shane as 2:1 on favorite for the bout, as he seeks revenge for his loss to the Undertaker last year, plus, if Lesnar hurts even one hair on Shanes head, Vince may have him killed. 

Saturday, 5 November 2016

Daniel Bryan Said he Suffered a Breakdown After Retiring. Sheamus Blamed

Speaking to the Kingston Whig Standard (which we hope is some form of print-media and not an imaginary Image result for sheamus
friend) recently, WWE legend and vegan, Daniel Bryan said that he suffered a breakdown after he was forced to retire.  In a heartfelt confession, the former tag partner of Kane said

“I had to go out to Florida (to shoot Total Divas) and we're in John Cena's house for four weeks or whatever and there's cameras just on you all the time. I just had this horrible mental breakdown”

Fans across the nation reacted angrily by storming Sheamus’ house with pitchforks and flaming torches. Said Rosco Johnson, leader of the angry mb explained their actions.

“Sheamus has been responsible for all the bad things that happened to Bryan - he pinned him in 18 seconds at Wrestlemania, and then gave him the concussion that ended his career, so we just figured that whatever is up with Daniel, its Sheamus’ fault and wanted to get ahead of the game and attack his home, y’know, before any facts came out because they just get in the way”

Reports from the local police department that whilst his house was razed to the ground, Sheamus himself was unhurt as he was out of town, protecting his lucky charms

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Eternal Optimist Cody Rhodes Says He “Expects to be paid” by TNA

Image result for cody rhodes stardust
How could this possibly go wrong??
Whilst Cody Rhodes, son of the legendary Dusty Rhodes, falls someway short of his father in many areas – charisma, promo ability, cellulite and belly splotches – the former Stardust has clearly inherited his late father’s sense of unbridled optimism.
This was demonstrated this week when he boldly stated that he “expects to be paid by TNA” following his recent appearance at the companys TV taping.  Cody openly admits that his agreements with TNA are all on a handshake basis, and despite this, thinks that he will soon receive a sizeable chqeque from the company that is currently being sued by everybody it deals with for nopn-payment of invoices.
The Rhodes gene pool clearly contains a high proportion of positive thinking, as shown by Cody’s decision to leave WWE on the assumption that he would be equally as successful elsewhere and the numerous examples of father Dusty’s ‘Sunny Side’ attitude, which include:
  • Booking a screwjob title change in every town the NWA ran in, three times in a row, and still expecting fans to keep paying t come to the shows
  • That with the right booking and promotion, and with Dusty by his side, Lex Luger could be as big a star as Hulk Hogan, probably bigger
  • That he could sweet talk Ric Flair into dropping the world title to Rick Steiner
  • That when the financial results came in and NWA/WCW had lost $6 million in a year under Dustys management, it would be someone else, not him, who was fired, even though he was flying everywhere by private jet.
  • That the fans would buy him as a legit six man partner for the Road Warriors of all people, and
  • That anyone could inderstand more than six words he said

As yet, Cody has not received any compensation for his work in TNA but checks the mailbox for or five times a day, each time anticipating the check will be there

Monday, 24 October 2016

Billy Corgan Loans £250k to UFC “I just like Wasting Money”

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The dictionary definition of  'More money than sense'
Hot on the heels of loaning doomed “wrestling” promotion TNA money to pay the bills, keep the lights on and, for reasons unknown, hold another TV taping that nobody will watch. the former lead singer of grunge-era runner-ups Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan has decided to loan some money to the UFC.

The UFC, once considered the rising star of the sports and entertainment world, has since announcing a $4bn sale to a potentially sinister conglomerate, fired a shitload of back office employees and released thirteen of its fighters in cost cutting moves, following the revelation of a financial black hole that could swallow several galaxies. Upon hearing the news of the financial difficulties faced by the worldwide leaders in face kicking, Corgan sprang into action:

“When I heard that another wrestling-type company was haemorrhaging money, I just had to get involved.  I am sick and tired of all these royalty checks I keep being sent for Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness cluttering up the place, and throwing money at a failing promotion is so much more satisfying that just flushing it down the toilet”

He added:

“I hope that someone tries to revive Roller Derby soon so I can p*ss away more of my cash”

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Simmons to Sheamus “Stop this Irish on Irish Hate”

Image result for sheamus wwe
He causes problems? Really?
Simmons feels that Irish people need to unite rather than fight between themselves, and that some ginger freak has no business insulting his overtly self indulgent chat show. To that end, he has used his huge Twitter following to start an ‘All Leprechaun Lives Matter’
The dictionary definition of  'More money than sense'
The dictionary definition of  'More money than sense'
Pasty weirdo Sheamus’ slam of noted sports broadcaster Bill Simmons has prompted the ‘Sports Guy’ to issue a plea for calm and reconciliation to end the “Irish on Irish hate”
Los Angeles resident Simmons identifies as Irish due to his Boston upbringing and Single White Female-esque relationship with Celtics legend Larry Bird (native of Indiana) and feels that his feud with Sheamus will only fuel the anti-Irish tension that has spread across the country.
Image result for bill simmons
As Irish as a Kikenny Spring morning
The long standing animosity against Americans who claim to hail from the Emerald Isle despite the only “Ireland” they have ever visited being ‘Coney’, ‘Long’ or The Treasure Island Casino and Buffet in Hackensack New Jersey, stems from their unrelenting arrogance about the success of their sports teams, and their accent. Their grating, nasally f*cking “chow-daaah” whine.

Outside of their native New England, Irish Americans have reported numerous incidents that they consider to be ‘attacks’ in recent months. These include:

-       a Bruins fan in Austin Texas having his snapback hat sniggered at
-       a McDonalds in Lincoln, Nebraska running out of Shamrock shake mix at 7.45pm on St Patricks Day 2015
-       The Red Sox not winning the MLB title in over two years
-       Leo DiCaprio being passed over for the Best Actor Oscar for ‘The Departed’ (That was wicked haa-aarsh), and
-       NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s recent purchase of a Doomsday laser to finally settle the ‘Belichick Conundrum’