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Thursday, 25 May 2017

Billy Corgan Buys NWA, Magic Beans

Fresh of failing to mediate the laughable Reba Hardy / Impact feud, former Smashing Pumpkins frontman has delved further into the world of wrestling by purchasing the NWA.

"I can can confirm that I now own 97% of the NWA, and on the way to the press conference today, I also got a great deal on this bag of magic beans! All it cost me was the publishing rights to my entire back catalog, amazing"

Pictured: The face of a man who
makes perfectly rationale decisions
Industry analysts have been left agog at the news, mostly because nobody knew the NWA still existed.

The 'official' story is that the NWA dates back over 100 years before being symbolically killed by Shane Douglas on an ECW PPV, before being briefly revived in some tiny north eastern promotions before quietly fading into the night with nary a whimper, otherwise known as TNA.

"Today we right a new chapter in the history of this great organisation" said Corgan, "We will revive the great days of the NWA - the days of legendary champions like Thesz, Flair, race, and erm Jax...Dane? Is that even a thing?"

Former owner Bruce Tharpe released a statement on his Facebook page "Haaahahahahahah!!!"

The NWA has a deep tape library that is highly valued by fans, however, it does not form part of the sale.  In unrelated news, Corgans history of decision making includes entering a relationship with celebrity psycho Courtney Love on several occasions.

The final sale price and efficacy of the magic beans have yet to be released.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Ryback Confused About India, Toothpaste

Former poster boy for the Wellness Policy poster boy, Ryback, has used his podcast to speak about his confusion over WWE's new Champion Jinder Mahal, the company's push into the Indian market and toothpaste.

On Jinder Mahal
“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with giving a new guy an opportunity. That’s how you discover if you’ve got guys that can hang or not.  But I'm just saying that if they wanted someone with a chemically enhanced physique, they didn't to go to Jinder, I could have gotten a deeper tan and I've been working on my Indian accent, listen 'Thank you, come again'"

I don't care if it takes all day,
I am going to outstare that dude
in the mirror
On WWE trying to appeal to India: “I don’t know why. They have the TV deal, but people don’t have any f–king money out there, so I don’t know why they’re trying to [appeal to that market]. I heard that the merchandise sales out there aren’t good. No s–t! Like, I’ve been to India. They don’t have money. There [are] certain people that do, but the ones that do, I’m pretty sure aren’t f–king watching fake fighting.”

On Toothpaste: “Man, I don’t know - they get the red or blue stripe in there. I mean, the tube is wider than the hole it comes out of, so how do they stop it mixing together. Jeez, everything is confusing me today, and don't get me started on magnets"

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Conor MacGregor Finally Signs Death Warrant

After months of hype and speculation, UFC supremo Dana White has confirmed that Conor MacGregor has signed his half of the deal for his mega-fight against unbeaten former welterweight boxing champion Floyd 'Money' Mayweather.

"We in the UFC are delighted that our number one draw, and, quite frankly, the only asset we have that makes IMG's $4bn investment even vaguely sensible, is going to risk his his future with the company, and by extension, the company's ability to stay afloat, by taking a fight with one of the greatest boxers in history who has never been beaten"

Pictured: A man whose $400m
fortune just got 'Madoffed'
White continued "I mean, it's not even a mixed match, he is doing a full boxing match for fucks sake! You don't fight a shark in the ocean,  a lion on the savannah or a nerd at Comic Con, it's just common sense!  I'm going to end up with 10% of sweet FA" At which point he broke down in tears.

Fans, on the other hand, to extremely excited about the prospect of the fight becoming a reality. Few give MacGregor a chance to win, or even make it out of the first round, but for many that is the appeal.

Literally humanity's only hope
Said Mitch Yazinsky, 26 from Boulder, Colorado - a long time UFC fan "Will I but it? Hell yeah, it's gonna be the biggest fight ever, plus, it's pretty much guaranteed that little Irish fucker will be utterly destroyed. That's worth $100 of anyone's money"

According to Yazinsky, there is only one drawback to the fight;

"If only there was some way we could see Mayweather get beaten to a pulp too, that would be worth
$200!  I don't know who could do it?  Maybe (Heavyweight Champion) Anthony Joshua or Optimus Prime, is Optimus Prime available?"  

WWE to Send Ric Flair to Las Vegas - Sinister Motives Suspected

The International Licensing Expo is the meeting place for the global licensing industry, where any multinational conglomerate worth it's salt will showcase it's wares to the world in an effort to sell even more shite to the gullible public, and as usual, the WWE plans to have a major presence at this years event.

The worlds leading wrestling sports entertainment promotion usually sends it's biggest stars to the prestigious event to try and persuade companies to makes and sell novelty products bearing the likeness of John Cena, The Undertaker, and for the discount bins, Roman Reigns.

Usually, the company sends the cream of it's roster to dazzle the attendees. In the past it has sent Bret Hart (pre-Montreal), Kevin 'Diesel'  Nash (pre-torpedoing the WWE's live attendance into the crapper) Hulk Hogan (pre-racist, homophobic rant filled sex tape) and Randy Savage (pre-erm- death). But this year they are sending an unusual emissary - 68 year old former champion 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair.

It is unclear why the WWE would send Flair when it has a wide selection of alternatives who would be far more likely to dazzle the likes of Hasbro and Jakks.  Seth Rollins, with his outstanding mic skills and papier mache knees, Dean Ambrose, with his floppy hair or Nikki Bella, with her....cans, would all make far better representatives than an insane geriatric alcoholic.

Observers have suggested that WWE Chairman Vince McMahon has begun to regret giving Flair a legends contract and is looking for a way out of it without  Flair ending up in TNA (again).  This has led many to the only logical conclusion - that he hopes Flair will party himself to death, or at least behave in a way that will result in so many violations of his contract that he can suspend him without pay until the year 2075.

"There can be no other reason to send Flair, of all people, to Las Vegas - the bad choices capital of the weestern world" said Bryan Winklestein, head writer for  "But the one thing Vince hasn't taken into account is Flairs inability to be killed by human weapons". "Ric's ability to survicve plane crashes, gallons of vodka, hookers and the booking of Dusty Rhodes means he must have 'The Gene'"
We're a combined 48 years old

What Bryan refers to is the fabled 'Richards Gene' named after the guitarist for the Rolling Stones, a man who has taken all of the drugs known to man - twice - and remains healthier than the average Olympic gold medallist.  The trade off for immortality is the rapid and grotesque deterioration of ones exterior appearance.  If Flair does indeed have the gene, sending him to Las Vegas will only make him stronger and even more dangerous to the world.

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Jeff Hardy Reveals Which Maneuvers He Will Never Do Again

Former TNA champion Jeff Hardy gave an interview recently where he talked about his shocking return to the WWE with brother Matt and the moves he will no longer do.

On returning to WWE at Wrestlemania:

Hair & beard design
courtesy of crack rock
"We figured it was about time to come back, Matt and I felt we had unfinished business there and wanted to put the finishing touches to our legacy, plus the checks from TNA bounced for the last six months and I gotta eat"

On which moves he will no longer be performing:

I'm not getting any younger so if I want to keep working, I definitely won't be doing the 450 any
more. Also, I told the WWE I won't do the Swanton off more than two ladders on top of each other. Also, that one move where you tie a rubber band around your arm and inject heroin into your veins - I really shouldn't do that one - it's a doozy of a career limiter.

Cody Rhodes Gets Desperate to Win Meltzer bet

Recent WWE firee and current New Japan mid-carder, Cody Rhodes, has gotten himself in way over his head in a Twitter bet with Wrestling Observer head honcho Dave Meltzer.

Rhodes responded to Meltzers response to the question of whether ROH could sell out a 10,000 seat venue "Not any time soon"

To which Cody tweeted back "I'll take that bet Dave"  suggesting that if he and fellow New Japan regulars (and poor mans Rock n Roll Express) The Young Bucks were given three months to promote the event, they would sell 10,000 tickets.

ROH, whilst a favorite of serious wrestling fans, has never sold more than 3,000 tickets, so Cody has
Pictured: ROH event - heavily papered
 put himself in a difficult spot - either more than triple the company record, or lose face in the eyes of the wrestling world.     One would think that the man who played painted himself silver as Stardust, and had an entire gimmick based on his mustache, would be immune from embarrassment, but he plans to try and win the bet anyway, and has revealed some controversial plans to do it.

"I figured that the Young Bucks aren't going to draw that crowd, and my name is likely to reduce the attendance rather than increase it.  My brother is under contract to WWE so I only have once option"

"Why do I tweet when I  drink??" 
"The main event will be The Young Bucks versus Cody and Dusty Rhodes.  My Dad could really put asses in seats in his day, and who doesn't like nostalgia?  It should be good for one big house I reckon"

When asked about the thorny issue of Dusty being slightly dead, Cody said.
" It's no problem, I'm just going to exhume my dads corpse and prop him up in the corner. His workrate will only be slightly below his average"

Thursday, 18 May 2017

Al Snow Proves He CAN Get Arrested in This Town

Winchester, KY.  The man briefly known as Avatar and narrowly missing out on cashing in on the movie hype by only thirteen years, Al Snow proved his doubters wrong by getting arrested last night.

Option 2 was to use Head to
illegally use the carpool lane
Snow, who was once the hottest free agent in wrestling and subject of a bidding war between WCW and WWF, was considered by most to not be famous enough anymore to even be apprehended by the police.  However, thanks to an outstanding ticket for a broken taillight, Dan Severns former cornerman erased  any doubt and issued a statement on the arrest

"On the one hand I spent the night in jail, but on the other, this is the most publicity I've had in a decade!  My Google alerts are totally blowing up. It's only a matter of time before SCPWA in Oklahoma calls, or even the XFWTW in Omaha - that would be soooo sweet, the payoff would go half way towards paying my $234 fine"

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

WWE Network Spelling Error Finally Corrected

The WWE network launched over three years ago and the company has finally got round to fixing the spelling error in its logo.

The word 'Network' has been incorrectly spelled as 'Netwrok' since the sites inception.

An anonymous staffer explained the error as being the result of the legendary temper of the company's Chairman Vince McMahon.

"He typed it in a memo and obviously got the O and R mixed up. Nobody dared correct him in case they got fired"  "I once saw him fire a guy just for pointing out that the sun rises in the East, not the West, and that guy was his own son - Shane"

How did nobody notice?

It is hoped that now that spelling mistake has been corrected, some of the other spelling and grammatical errors will be, such as 'WWE  Champion-The Miz' and Jinder Mahal

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Leaked Charlotte Pics Reveal Saggy Bosom Syndrome Not Hereditary

Official reports from the WWE concerning the recent hack of WWE Womens Division supremo Charlotte Flairs Iphone account which led to  at her nude selfies being leaked onto the internet, suggest that she has been left "angry and devastated" at the "obscene invasion of her privacy", however, according to sources close to Flair tell a different tale.

According to friends, she is quietly relieved that the world now knows that the 'Saggy Bosom Syndrome' that famously afflicts her father has not been passed down to her.
Spot the difference
According to a close friend who wishes to remain anonymous, Flair has experienced difficulty in attracting romantic partners since her split from ex-husband Bram, and was concerned that the deterioration of her fathers physique was putting potential suitors off as they didn't want to be left with a 'fried egg haning from a nail' situation, boob-wise.

"These pictures put that to rest because those babies are bouncy, if a tad uneven, you would almost think the leak was planned, especially seeing as the phone case she uses was a WWE one - thats blatant product placement if ever I've seen it"

WWE breast, bosom and puppies spokesman Jerry 'The King' Lawler has yet to release a statement on the pictures because he has been left literally speechless since their publication. And he has not left his bathroom since either.

Monday, 8 May 2017

Matches Announced for NJPW Dominion Event

New Japan Pro Wrestling has announced several more matches for their upcoming Dominion event, which takes place on June 11th at Osaka-jo Hall. Here is the updated card for the event:

— IWGP Heavyweight Champion Kazuchika  Okada defending against OG Seth Rollins 
— IWGP Intercontinental Champion and Future NXT mid-carder Tetsuya Naito defending against Future NXT Opponent Hiroshi Tanahashi
— IWGP Tag Team Champions 'Ludicrous Name' against 'Poor English Translation Name Team'
— IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Champions Roppongi Vice defending against The Rockers Rock n Roll Express The Fantastics  The Young Bucks
— Token US Indie Performer vs Token Former WWE Mid-Carder
One of these guys, probably, will face
One of these chumps. Main event anywhere in the country Gorilla

The English language announce team for the event will be 'Former WWE Announcer' and 'Random Former ROH Guy'.

Sunday, 7 May 2017

Twitter Published Fans Distressed Wrestlemania Tweets

As social media providers come under fire for not doing enough to prevent anti-social behaviour , beleaguered platform Twitter has been trying to generate some goodwill by releasing some of the tweets it's users issued to signal for help at a recent WWE event.
70,000 fans will be seeing this in their nightmares for decades
Fans have observed a gradual lengthening of the run times of the WWE's 'Network Specials' (formerly PPV's) which has been attributed to the company no longer having to pay penalties to PPV carriers for going over the three hour limit now that the majority of viewers watch on the internet via the WWE Network.  As such, fans were expecting a lengthy show at the thirty third edition of the company's flagship 'Wrestlemania' event, but as it entered its 20th hour, fans tweets from inside the Citrus Bowl displayed the increasing level of distress inside the stadium.

@NotThatJasonBourne  "Been here 4 days+still not even hit hlftime show.WTF WWE???"

@ShaneOMacFan32  "This is f*****g ridiculous, Y did go 2 to NXT and HoF too  #WWEOverdose"

@RoodyPooMick "Been here 4 24 hours, Y did I think it was a good idea to watch the pre-show too?"

@Reignsfan665 "F**k U Vince, f**k U HHH, just get to Lesnar vs Goldberg already  #midcardshite"

@StonCldSnr15 "Hotter than Hell in Citrus Bowl+water is $8 bottle. Gouging b**stards!  #DeathIsTooGood4Them"

@PipersCorpse99 "Dont mind the heat, lack of food+state of bathrooms, but that fucking Wyatt vs Orton match was the limit. Sumbody get me out of here, please!!"

@WhoIsNeidhart "WWE is breaching My Human Rights, call FEMA"

@LoveMeLana "If they had Rusevs tank from 2yrs ago,we could hijack and bust outta here #worththejailtime"

But not everybody was complaining

@HBJ969  "Got numb ass,heat stroke & dehydration. Still better than Disneyworld"

The WWE is considering using that last tweet in its next marketing campaign

Jim Ross Calls Charlotte Flair the 'Hulk Hogan' of the Womens Division

Former WWE announcer and BBQ sauce peddler, Jim Ross recently used his podcast to compare WWE Womens division supremo Charlotte Flair to the legendary star of Suburban Commando, Hulk 'Terry' Hogan.

"I gotta say this here and now, Ric's daughter Charlotte, I compare her to none other than Hulk Hogan.  You might think thats a bit strong to say about someone who has only been in the business
Watcha Gonna Do? Maybe wax the
'tache and touch up those roots huh?
for a little while, but to me, it's not too early to make that statement. Look at what she has done already, headlined pay per views, given us electrifying matches and absolutely dominated the womens division in the same way Hulk dominated the WWF back in the 80's"

He added "That said, the main similarities are physical.  They both have blond hair, bald patch and mustache. Why do you think the camera never shows a close up of the top of her head. Charlotte bleaches the 'tache but trust me, from the announce table, that thing is bushy and prominent. She really is the new Hulkster"

UFC to Add Two Controversial New Womens Divisions

Capitalising on he massive success of Ronda Rousey, and the fact that men really like to look at women, the UFC has announced two new Divisions - named 'Starlet' and 'Heifer'.  They will be in addition to the existing Straw, Bantam and Featherwieght classes, but in a break from tradition, the new Divisions will only be tangentially based on bodyweight.

Matchmaker Sean Selby announced the new divisions at a press conference in las vegas

"The UFC cannot be tied to antiquated concepts such as weight to form its divisions. This is the age
Pictured: Heifer Division Fighter
of social media and Amazon Prime and we understand the need to give the consumer what they want, so it is with great pleasure and excitement we bring you the Heifer Division.  This will be where the larger, stronger and more, erm, masculine looking fighters will compete. We expect this division to create some amazing and hard hitting bouts that will be right at home in the Fox pre-show specials"

He continued  "Our second new division is something we are very excited about. The Starlet Division will pit the cream of the crop - the likes of Paige Van Zant, Claudia Halhela and Megan Fox, if we can get her - against each other in matches that will be aesthetically, if not technically, pleasing to the eye.  We have already pencilled in Starlet division matches as the headliner for the next seven PPV's."

Can she fight? The UFC doesn't care
On an unrelated topic, "Starlets" is a term used to describe new female porn actresses.

A press release from UFC Chairman Dana White "We are committed to promoting female fighters on a par with men and feel that the addition of these two new divisions will greatly enhance the public profile of all our chicks, I mean bitches, sorry, I mean ladies".

Critics of the move have suggested that this blatant sexualisation of the female fighters is a result of the recent purchase of the company by mega entertainment conglomerate IMG, who spent over $4 billion on the promotion, just prior to the two biggest draws, Ronda Rousey and Conor MacGregor, announcing their retirements.

Said industry observer Bryan Alvarez "IMG really feel screwed on the deal and are looking for anything that will keep the buyrates up. Honestly, if the Starlets don't bring in the viewers, don't be surprised to see them fill the Octagon with mud and have the ladies wrestle in that"