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Monday 30 October 2017

Vince Ecstatic About WWE 'Going Viral'

The common flu virus,
Vince's new No 1 guy.  Already
more over than Roman reigns
At least four WWE performers have had to be pulled from upcoming shows due to a mystery virus that is spreading through the locker room, and company Chairman Vince McMahon could not be more happy about it due to a misunderstanding  of basic English.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to shout excitedly "We've gone viral, that's fucking fantastic!"

"By god, we are constantly pushing Twitter and Facebook on our shows, and we are frequently the
number one hashtag in the world. I don't actually know what that means, but Stephanie tells me it's what all the kids are doing so it's important even though it makes us no money whatsoever"

"I can only hope that the rest of the locker rooms gets just as viral, if tehy do, we might just sell out some of the shitty, c-level PPV's we've been putting out lately"

Neville Changes Mind About Quitting After Returning Home to Newcastle

Diminutive high flier Neville has reportedly quit the WWE as he is unhappy, but as a native of the North East region of England, abject misery is his default setting.

Years of wrestling around the globe have given the former PAC an unreal sense of how
This is Neville, on Christmas morning,
having just been given a cute puppy as a gift.
he is delighted
good his life should be and that smiling is actually an option.  This newfound sense of self worth has led to his dissatisfaction at being relegated to the 205 division and then having to lose that title to Enzo Amore of all people. Apparently neither the Red Rooster nor the Brooklyn Brawler were available.


Since quitting the company and returning to his native land, Neville has experienced a change of heart and is hoping he can return.
The north east of England is a former industrial powerhouse turned post apocalyptic wasteland with few job and even fewer days of sunshine. It makes modern day Detroit look like Cancun on spring break.  Said Neville; "Ah forgot hoo feckin aaarful this hea playce wez , Ahm gunna caal HHH te ax fre mah jerb back like, y'naaah"


Sunderland residents refer to t
his as 'The Posh Bit of Town'
We have no clue what that means either, and it is this confusion that may prove to be his salvation.  When he left the voicemail on Stephanies phone to announce he was quitting, nobody could comprehend his thick Geordie accent, so they just assumed it was a prank call from a lunatic.

Tuesday 24 October 2017

Kevin Owens Explains Why He Isn't on the WWE South American Tour

Former Universial Champion and noted pie enthusiast, Kevin Owens has spoken about the reasons he will not be on the WW's upcoming tour of South America.

Said Owens in an interview with ProWrestlingPoopScoop.com;

"There's a bunch of reasons really, I got a few injuries I need to heal, I want to spend some time with
This was the face he made
my kid, and there was little bit of erm, unpleasantness a few years ago. I don't wanna go into details but I was in Venezuela to get some of those super strength slimming pills because, well, look at me. Anyway, there was a bit of a miscommunication and I ended up being forced to carry two pounds of heroin across the US border, in my bunghole.  Problem was the slimming pills kicked in about 50 miles from the check point and, yada yada yada, if I ever show my face in Caracas again, they are gonna slice my nuts off. I like my nuts where they are"

Broken Necks, Concussions No Longer a Thing in Wrestling

With noted head case Kurt Angle announcing his return to the ring, and the expected unretirement of Daniel Bryan when his WWE contract expires, it appears as though pro wrestling has found cures to injuries that were perviously thought to be career ending.

The 48 year old Angle, whose head is attached to his body by a mixture of crazy glue and chewing gum, feels confident that he can still go in the ring. To ensure he doesn't suffer an injury that could literally cripple him, he has booked himself into a safe match at TLC. He will be teaming up with 'career killer' Seth Rollins and dean Ambrose in handicap match against five opponents including Sheames (who ended Daniel bryans career) and Braun Strowman -the strategically shaved woolly mammoth masqueradind as a wrestler.

I mean, how much damage can
German suplexes do to the neck anyway?
Bryan, who risks death every time he sneezes, has been inspired to return to action by Angles insane decision. He is justifying the risk by claiming he views wrestling as an art form and he just wishes to exercise his creative muscles, and he has just had a kid who just won't stop screaming so he pines for the sweet release of death.

Said WWE spokesman Carl Johnson;
"Wrestling has always been on the cutting edge, we zig when everybody else jags, I mean, wrestlers were wearing hyper color shirts and Zubaz pants in 1993 when nobody else was, so it comes as no surprise that just as the world learns about the effects of CTE, wrestling just completely ignores it and goes from strength to strength"

Upon hearing the news, both Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Manning have expressed interest in forming a tag team in the hopes of their injuries going away through the power of wrestling.


Saturday 21 October 2017

TNA Branching Out Into Pizza's

TNA / GFW / Impact / Billy Corgans Travelling Freakshow, or whatever it is called these days, has announced a major strategic move - into the fast growing world of pizza!

The company announced the launch of the  “Impact Pizza” on a conference call recently.  They’ll be holding a press conference at the Crust & Crate Fast Fired Pizza Pub in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada on Friday, where they’ll be unveiling the Impact-themed pizza and an Impact signature beverage. Bobby Lashley and Eli Drake will be on hand to promote it and then physically deliver it to you in 30 minutes or less, or your order is free.

Said current GFW CEO Jason Brown "We are the first to admit that times have been a little tough in the wrestling business, what with us not actually promoting any shows at all, so we felt the time was right to branch out in a new direction, and who doesn't like pizza?   He continued "And would you like extra cheese on that sir, no problem, it will be $28.50 and will be with you very shortly, thank you for your order"

Thursday 19 October 2017

Nia Jax Breaks Through Wall, Granted 'Leave of Absence'

Nia Jax, the six foot, 240lb monster of the WWE Womens division has been granted a leave of absence by the company after storming out of Monday Night Raw.

The decision to grant Jax the unplanned and unrequested leave came after she got pissed off about being made to again look stupid on the show, and still not being the women's champion despite being the fucking obvious choice.

When she sneezes it causes
 a 5.0 scale earthquake
Jax was already on edge after her best friend in the company and lapdog, Neville quit the WWE a day earlier.  On Monday, she reportedly reached her limit of crappy treatment by the company, fllipped the catering table without anything actually eating anything (which shows how mad she was) before heading to the exit, with extreme prejudice.
A number of male wrestlers attempted to restrain Jax without success. (Side note, Big E Langston, Darren Young and Luke Gallows will be unavailable for house shows next week due to undisclosed injuries)

She then broke through a wall, flipped an ambulance in the car park (for real - eat that Strowman) before stomping through the streets of Portland, scaring Japanese tourists shouting "Gojira!" as she passed.

Throughout the rampage, WWE COO HHH tried to initially order her to calm down, then ask nicely, before pleading on his knees not to hurt anyone before calling after her "So we will call this unplanned leave yeah? Cool, thats totally cool, enjoy your time off, please don;t punch that police horse, aww shit, she did it"