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Monday, 28 August 2017

Lana Clarifies 'Leave Request' Rumors

Wahts wrong with this picture?
9 does not equal 2.5,
if you know what we mean
The WWE's wannabe Bridget Neilsen and owner of the least convincing Russian accent in wrestling since Matilda the bulldog belched after eating a bowl of borsch, Lana, has hit out at internet reports that she and husband Rusev have requested a release from the WWE.

"It's all nonsense, why would vee ever vant t leaf such a fine organisation as the WWE?  The WWE is
berry berry good and TNA is berry berry bad" She said in her puzzling voice before reverting to her native Floridian, white trash accent. "Ah nevah asked for a release, ah was asking for a deevorce from that fat hairy husband o'mahn. We wuz only meant to be married for like five minutes so he could get his green card but he's been stuck to me like a fly on shit ever since"

She continued "Ah mean, how come those Bella girls get to marry good lookin' champions and ah get stuck with a fireplug thats been rolling around on a barbers shop floor? It just ain't fair"

Should the couple split, the WWE faces a tough decision over which of the pair to keep. On one hand, Rusev ticks all the company boxes - he is a useful foreign heel they can use in xenophobic angles and he is pumped so full of steroids, his sweat has a street value of $200 an ounce, but in the other, Lana is a tall sexy blonde.  Vegas has the latter as heavy favorite to be retained.

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Becky Lynch Comments non UFC Stars Coming To WWE

Irish steampunk enthusiast Becky Lynch has commented on the prospect of a number of female UFC stars coming to the WWE to challenge for the seemingly endless number of womens titles.

With Shayna Basler entering the Mae Young classic and the long rumored signing of flash-in-the-pan former UFC champ Ronda Rousey inching ever closer, the chances of seeing the 'Lass-Kicker' actually getting her lass kicked for real are increasing by the minute, and Lynch is not taking it lightly.

Remember this face, it may
not be quite so appealing
"Shit!" Lynch was heard to remark to friends "I only just managed to get out of that Cyborg situation and now there's a feckin' army of the buggers comin", before adding "Begorrah!"

The "cyborg situation" refers to Lynch's social media spat with UFC featherweight champion and possible real life terminator, Cris 'Cyborg' Venancio that nearly resulted in a bout between the two at Summerslam, which would most likely have been Becky's last day on earth.

"Oi made sure me will was up to date, just in case. Nobody's going to get their hands on me lucky charms Oi happpen to be murdered in the ring by that walking steroid syringe"

Now there may be even more female killing machines joining WWE, Lynch's prospects of reaching retirement age do not look promising.  Case in point: Cyborg has a record of 18-1 in her MMA career and is considered one of the worlds greatest fighters,
either male or female, whilst Lynch wears stupid goggles and is a ginger so is already at a genetic disadvantage.

Many observers claim that this is just a publicity stunt to cash in on the publicity for cross-combat sport matches generated by the MacGregor vs Mayweather fight, and that Cyborg will co-operate in a perfectly safe worked bout, but Lynch is not taking any precautions.

Said a friend "Becky hasn't got time  to get good enough at real fighting to take on any of these women,  so instead she is making sure that her family are looked after should the worst happens.  Her extensive collection of top hats and goggles will go to her parents, whilst the pot of gold that she protects will be held in trust for future generations of leprechauns"

GFW to Sell Title Belts for $2K

Global Force Wrestling have announced that fans will soon have the opportunity to purchase GWF title belts for a mere $2,550 each.

Each belt comes with a unique serial number, a certificate of authenticity,  a lucite stand and a full
Seriously, $2.550!
schedule of dates that the new owner will be expected to make between the time of purchase and the folding of the organisation, which. is expected to be within a few weeks.

That's correct, you not buying a replica belt but the actual GFW title itself.  Said company spokesman Will Dubbard

"We believe this is a fantastic opportunity for fans to own a piece of their favorite wrestling promotion and for us, it gives us a champion, which is something we have struggled to keep hold of lately" he continued "plus, at the astronomical price of more than $2k, it will keep the company afloat for a few weeks, its a win-win for everybody"

Whilst anyone foolish enough to spend their hard earned cash on this belt will be booked to headline upcoming GFW shows, this will not prove to be a problem given their upcoming schedule.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

WWE Responds to Leaving Hulk Hogan Off Survery

The WWE has responded to reports that they deliberately left WWE Hall of Famer Hulk Hogan out of a recent survey sent to fans.

The company asked fans to select their 10 favorite WWE Superstars, NXT Superstars or WWE Legends. Included on the list were long time WWE haters Bruno Sammartino and Ultimate Warrior, leading creative forces and faces of the company's biggest rival in the 1980's Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair and drug overdose victim Eddie Guerrero. 

Said WWE spokeperson Joshua Higginbotham "It was not a deliberate slight against Mr Bollea,
His friends wives just
cannot resist...this
we just wanted to ascertain which of our legends and current stars who aren't 3 Mile Island level toxic from a publicity standpoint, they prefer. Yes it does include a number of questionable characters such as wife beaters, drug addicts and felons, but of we excluded all those, the list would be Bob Backlund"

"I'm sure Hogan will be included on our upcoming survey of fans favourite racist, homophobic cuckolds who hate the fifth amendment"

Strongman Strowman Flips Ambulance, Pressboard Table

Former Wyatt family member, Braun Strowman demonstrated his formidable strength once again at Summerslam, proving once and for all that the WWE has no idea how to present such acts in a believable manner.

A few weeks ago, the WWE attempted presented fans with the laughable sight of the only wrestler
Pictured: Not Possible
with sufficient mass to generate his own gravity, flipping a 10,000 lb ambulance during an attack on Roman Reigns, whilst on the most recent PPV, they attempted to convince fans that his overturning a cheap pressboard table was somehow a threat to Brock Lesnar's life.

Despite the announcers attempts to sell the move as devastating, it was clear from the way the table bounced that it was only mildly more uncomfortable for Brock that shiatsu massage or having a flock of ducklings waddle over his back.

These conflicting and desperately unconvincing representations of strength are not the first time the pro-wrestling has failed to show feats of strength convincingly.

- In 1988, Ultimate Warrior and Hercules snapped a papier mache chain painted silver to look like steel during a tug-o-war
- Also in 1988, walking charisma vacuum Dino Bravo 'broke' the world bench press record despite weight plates clearly being made of plastic and saying 'Fisher Price' on the side
- Hulk Hogan's 1987 bodyslam of Andre the Giant that claimed the 360lb Andre was actually 600lb, and that nobody in history had ever managed to do it before despite the reams of evidence showing the likes of Harley Race, Antonio Inoki, El Santo, and literally dozens of others slamming the huge Frenchman, including such unlikely candidates as Terry Taylor, Tommy Rich, Santino Marella and Doink.