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Wednesday, 21 June 2017

WWE answers Mayweather vs MacGregor with Johnny B Badd vs Hornswoggle

With the long anticipated megafight between shouty UFC leprechaun Conor MacGregor and the personification of dull, Floyd Mayweather finally signed, the WWE changed it's original plans for the Summerslam to steal some of the thunder back for WWE.

In a shocking turn of events, Johnny B Badd will face Hornswoggle in the main event of the summer spectacular. Said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon "If people  are so desperate to see a fucking midget Irishman get pummelled by an ageing former boxer, we will give it to them, but god only knows what the appeal is!"
Hard to see why Sable left him

Badd, real name Marc Mero, is a former Golden Gloves champion from sometime in the days of VHS, has not worked for the WWE in several years and is reportedly over the moon at the opportunity.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to emit a loud high pitched "Woooooh!" and shot confetti out of his Badd Blaster (editors note: that is NOT a euphemism).

His opponent, Hornswoggle, is a long time WWE employee as in-ring talent and comedy performer which makes it all the more shocking that he was never made world champion.   

Would stand about the same
chance as MacGregor

The company is hoping that by staging its 'Network Special' the week before the superfight, it can fool some gullible customers into accidentally ordering the wrong show.

Said WWE COO HHH "with all the fuss about a boxer vs wrestler, I figure we can give the fans the exact same thing, and you don;t need to shell out a hundred bucks, just plunk down ten dollars for a subscription and you can watch it for free!" he continued "plus, Conor will last about 30 seconds in the ring with Floyd, but we can guarantee you get your moneys worth - thats right, Badd vs Hornswoggle will be a 60 minute iron man match.  Dave Meltzer is going to have to recalibrate his whole star rating system"

Monday, 19 June 2017

Discarded Beth Phoenix HOF Speech Notes Leaked

Four time WWE womens champion Beth Phoenix was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year and gave a gracious and heartwarming speech at the star studded event.

However, according to images leaked onto the internet this week, the moment could have turned much darker had 'The Glamazon' used her original speech.   Scraps of notepaper found discarded in the ladies bathroom of the Amway Centre in Orlando.

Angry, angry young lady
Whilst the handwriting could not be verified, the content suggests that Phoenix was indeed the author and was planning to gain some measure of revenge for her perceived mistreatment at the hands of the WWE.

Highlights include:

"Ok, so I get that I wasn't the first woman inducted, and thats cool. I mean Moolah and Mae Young bitches ladies who got in before me, maaaan!. Seriously, what were you asshats thinking??  Wendi Richter!, Sunny!!   C'mon!!  What did I do, pee on someones lunch one day or something? I carried that damn division, I was the only one who took wrestling seriously for that whole time and it still took five years after I left to put me in (the HoF). Christ, even Jacqueline got in before me, seriously??

are legends, and sure, Sherri was right there at the top of the card, but when you look at some of the

"I'm still not sure I'd even be here now if I wasn't married to Edge. It took squeezing out two kids with a Hall of Famer to even get a call.  Fuckers"

New WWE PPV Naming Scheme Unveiled

The WWE is moving away from it's traditional naming convention for its July PPV or 'Network Specials and moving into a new exciting direction.

"We feel that the badass, aggressive names of the past were no longer in keeping with what our fans want. Backlash, No Way Out, and Revenge are so Attitude era, which is something we don't want to go back to until we get desperate (so in about three months).  Instead we are going to start naming our events in line with popular culture to stay hip and relevant to the kids"

Reports have it that Vince Mcmahon, WWE Chairman instigated the new direction by saying that "this rock and roll thing seems popular with the youngsters, lets use that", which has led us to the new name for the July mega show - "Great Balls of Fire"

The names of future shows have yet to be announced but a leaked schedule suggests the following:

August                     Summerslam
September               Good Golly Miss Molly**
October                   My Ding-a-Ling
October (2)             Long Haired Lover from Liverpool" (UK special)
November               Survivor Series"
December                The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
** (Molly is rumored to be the name Asuka will be given when she is called up to the main roster to  play a good old fashioned farm girl from Nebraska)

Had it not already been used, this
would have been the inspiration for the
February 'No Holds Barred' PPV'
The list has being criticised by many, but to those in the company, it has actually come as a relief due
to concern that Chairman Vince McMahon was going to name the events after ailments he is suffering from.  They would have stuck with Great Balls of Fire for reasons too ghastly to get into, with other names found on a discarded piece of notepaper including "It Stings When I Pee", "Sciatica", "Hip Replacement Surgery and  "Two Blue Pills Needed",

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Inoki Offers Advice to Macgregor Ahead of Mayweather Fight

Antonio Inoki, the moderately bonkers Japanese legend has offered  advice to Conor MacGregor ahead of his anticipated fight with Floyd Mayweather.
Pictured: Not Insane
"Go for the shins and calves - it worked for me against Ali and it will beat Mayweather, trust me"  said Inoki in reference to the infamous 1975 borefest that saw him stroke his own ego in a disturbingly public manner by refusing to put the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion over.
He added, "Stretch a lot pre-fight, and  get really good at being in the crab position - Mayweather will not be able to touch you!!"

Upon being informed that the fight will be  boxing match rather than under mixed martial arts rules, Inoki laughed and said "Yes, I did defeat the great Ali and cemented my reputation as being better than ten Hulk Hogans" before laughing maniacally.

HHH to challenge Asuka for NXT Womens Title

Fresh off breaking Goldbergs record for most consecutive victories, NXT Womens Champion and arguably the most talented wrestler in the world, Asuka, has been issued a challenge from an unexpected source - WWE COO HHH.
The 266lb multi-time former mens champion has decided he wants to Elevate the 115lb Asuka by giving her the honor of being in the rin ring with the King of Kings.
"The kid (Asuke, 35) has done really well, but it means nothing until she has faced the greatest of all time, and
Warning: Sharp learning curve ahead
that's me. Look at all my titles, I beat everybody Rock, Austin, Angle, and I did it all with nobody's help, by which I mean I was the head of the booking committee so the decision to put me over was all mine"
"Even if she loses, and she will, it will still be the greatest moment of her career, and it will be good for me too, I never got the chance to end Goldberg's streak so this will have to do"

In response, Asuka said through an interpreter "I find your American sense of humor very funny, now tell me who will really be my next opponent"

List of Injured Increases as WWE Stars Trip Over Each Other to Praise Mahal Title Win

The WWE 'Extreme Rules' PPV is in doubt after a rash of injuries to wrestlers and announcers alike as they literally fall over themselves and each other to praise the decision to make Jinder Mahal WWE Champion.

"I don't know if its because Jinder is really popular, political correctness or just because there a a billion potential t-shirt buyers in India, but the guys are going crazy in praising the first Canadian of Indian descent to become champion"  Said Willy McSanders, chief writer for

"It's incredible, no new champion has ever received so much spontaneous praise. Everybody from
Has put more wrestlers on the shelf than
Rollins, Mabel and Gonorrhea combined
 Mojo Rawley to Jay Uso has taken to Twitter and Facebook to sing the praises of Mahal, and by extension, the incredible decision making of boss HHH. In fact they have been tripping over each other to be the most effusive in their adulation, which has led to a number matches having to be scratched from the next show"

The problem has become so bad that WWE management have placed a strict limit of forty social media posts per day and instructing performer to stagger their compliments to prevent any further pile ups.

The original headline bout of Seth Rollins vs Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns vs Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt to Erick Rowan vs Curtis Axel vs Epico vs Zach Ryder vs Mean Gene Okerlund