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Sunday, 26 March 2017

Sports Guy Pissed That Wrestlemania 33 Not Being held in Boston

Just so......punchable
Former ESPN personality and host of short-lived sports talk show 'Any Given Wednesday' Bill ‘Sports Guy’ Simmons has taken to Twitter to express his disappointment at Boston not being chosen as the site of Wrestlemania 33.

"33! It's Larry Birds number for f**ks sake. Everything I do is centered around the number 33, and I assume that’s how everybody else thinks and acts."  He continued "Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics are the cornerstone of this great Punchablecountry of ours, and to pass up an opportunity to honor him is just plain unpatriotic".  He proceeded to spend the entirety of his next podcast complaining about it with his friends Jacko, House, Cousin Sal, Murph, Sully and the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms box. 

Taking a clothesline? He's already light years ahead of Roman
"Haven’t I slurped HHH enough? I hosted that godawful live Raw show for crying out loud. The least they could do is move the show to Boston, dedicate it to the genius of Bird, give me and my son front row seats and make sure all his favorites win, including Larry legend beating Roman Reigns for the Universal Title.

If not for me, then do it for the long-suffering sports fans of Boston.  In the last ten years, all we have had is a couple of world series wins, an NBA championship and a Stanley Cup, plus we haven’t won a Superbowl since January. January!! C’mon WWE! Show spare a thought for us downtrodden New Englanders!
It's been tough for the sports fans of beantown

Friday, 24 March 2017

Backstage meeting Held at Raw to Discuss Paige Pics

In case you haven't seen it, yeah right
It has been reported that an emergency meeting took place backstage at this weeks at Raw show, to discuss the leaked nude pics of WWE Diva Paige.  

A 'satisfactory' meeting
Earlier in the day, an intern was tasked with locating every picture that had been released on the internet and to print several copies of each, in high definition A3 size, for ‘discussion’ at the gathering.   The meeting was held behind closed doors and was attended by only the WWE top brass, although curiously, WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon was not present.  The session lasted approximately half an hour and was said to be quite intense. Whilst no raised voices were heard coming from the room, all participants emerged red faced and exhausted, but seemingly satisfied with the outcome of the meeting.  It would appear that the group must have developed a robust policy for this kind of thing happening again because Chief McMahon lickspittle Gerald Brisco was heard laughing and saying “I sure hope Becky Lynch’s phone gets hacked next”

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Paige Bringing Back Attitude Era

Its the Topless Crusader!
In a potentially misguided attempt to prove herself to be a model employee, outcast Diva and middle aged man enthusiast Paige has begun a one-woman campaign to boost the WWE’s fortunes by reviving their most successful run – the Attitude Era.

The WWE in the late 90’s was noted for its wild and unpredictable storylines, lack of respect for authority, increased risk taking and exposed female flesh.

With her antics over the last few months, the Norwich-born former womens champion has shown all of these attributes in spades, culminating in her “leaked” cellphone pics that would have caused a major storm in the media had it not been for two factors: firstly, alleged pics and videos of Emma ‘Hermione Granger’ Watson were purportedly leaked at the same time, and secondly, Paige, for all her considerable charms, is not overly blessed in the upper chest department

Thursday, 16 March 2017

New Posters Indicate that Shinsuke Nakamura Could Be Jobbing on the Main Roster Soon

A new range of posters released by WWE give clear hints that three time IWGP Champion and Wrestling Observer Hall of Famer Shinsuke Nakamura will be brought up to the main roster soon.  The Japanese legend is expected to debut on either Raw or Smackdown after Wrestlemania so that he start looking at the lights for opponents such as Mojo Rawley, Baron Corbin and Jinder Mahal.
Maybe if I imitate DX, I'll last longer

Nakamura expressed his excitement at his impending promotion, saying through his interpreter “I am very looking forward (sic) to challenging the stars of WWE.  Mr HHH has given me great booking sheet  – Randy Orton, John Cena and Roman Reigns” he continued “No results on booking sheet but I am sure my strong style will match up equally against the best of WWE” adding “my question is why is booking only for four weeks? Who will I be facing after that?”

Pictured: A Samoan
Whilst some hardcore fans  have expressed doubts about Nakamuras ability to succeed in WWE, Chief Operating Officer HHH dismissed their concerns by citing the companies track record in promoting Japanese stars. “hey, Kaientai were right there in the middle of the Attitude era that Hakushi guy had a run with none other than Bret Hart and don’t forget Yokozuna, that Japanese fella held the title for a year!”