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Monday, 23 January 2017

Report: Nick Saban Considering WWE GM Job

Following his teams loss to Clemson in the CFB championship, Alabama head coach Nick Saban has been flooded with offers to take his genius to another organisation, to do what he did at the Crimson Tide - turn them from a once dominant power who became insignificant, to being a major force again. Amongst his uitors are numerous NFL teams and one suprising outside choice that Saban reportedly finds 'intriguing' - the WWE.

Said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon "We are always looking for the best talent for our sports entertainment brands and nobody exeplifies success better than Coach Saban" he added "except me of course"

McMahon has no plans to step down as head of WWE to make way for Saban, instead, the company has other plans should the former Miami Dolphins head coach make a move to the squared circle
"We feel he would make an outstanding General manager for our flagship Raw tv show. There are so many reasons he is a perfect fit - fans already love seeing an overbearing, obnoxious authority figure hog the spotlight every week, and can't get enough of seeing wrinkled sexagenarian (editors note: its not what you think, it refers to his age), and he already has a wardrobe that is almost entirely red, so it fits perfectly and saves us some money on wardrobe into the bargain"

Other gridiron coaches who have flirted with pro wrestling in the past include:

Howard Schnellenberger - who's skill in recruiting African American athletes to Miami University caught the eye of Bill Watts, who was always looking to repeat the success of the Junk Yard Dog in his UWF promotion.

Mike Ditka - his status as a near deity in his adopted hometown made him an attractive prospect for the Chicago based Ring of Honor promotion

Lane Kiffin - Perenially ailing TNA, having gone through a string of failed bookers, briefly considered a shock hire when Lane Kiffin became available after being fired / quitting one of his many college football jobs, but despite once offering gainful employment to Vince Russo, decided that they could not sink to such depths and let Kiffin near their company

Friday, 20 January 2017

Leaked WWE Memo Reveals Reasons for Choosing New Orleans as Host for WrestleMania 34

The WWE has announced that it's 2018 flagship show, Wrestlemania, will be held in New Orleans.  The announcement came as a surprise to many who thought that either Minnesota or Philadelphia had the inside track on being the host city, particularly as the 'Granddaddy of Them All' emanated from the Louisiana city as recently as 2014.

Today, a  leaked memo from WWE headquarters has shed light on why the company chose to return to The Big Easy so soon. The memo is untitled but is allegedly in the hadwriting of company chairman Vince McMahon has been edited for coherence and to remove profanity.

- Vince wants to show the world he can outdraw anything that fat slob Bill Watts did and finally win the end the
decades old WWE / UWF feud
- Hurricanes and plenty of ‘em, "I f*****g love those things, they f*** you up so damned quick"
- Vince really loved the CW TV show 'The Originals' and hopes this time he gets to meet meets some real vampires "Preferably the sexy ones"
- "Get this -  if you give a chick some beads, she will show you her boobs? How f*****g awesome is that??"
 (side note, order a dozen cases of beads, if Linda asks why, say its for a new Samoan character or something)
- Gives us an excuse to finally induct Lash Laroux into the Hall of Fame
- Did I mention the hurricanes? and the boobs?

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Deshaun Watson Declares for WWE Draft

Former Heisman trophy nominee and national collegiate championship quarterback,
Clemson 4 Life
Deshaun Watson has declared himself eligible for the next WWE Draft.

"They still have those right?" asked Watson at the post game press conference. "I haven't watched WWE since elementary school, but man I remember being pumped for who was going to Raw and who would wrasslin' on Thursdays on Smackdown"

Rumors that his declaration was a response to reports that he is predicted to fall to the third or fourth round of the NFL draft have been unconfirmed, but Watson feels that his exceptional athletic gifts will translate well to the promotion that has featured such stars as Kevin Owens, Yokozuna and Mick Foley as world champions.

"I'm bound to be a high pick, just look at the incredible success that other undersized African Americans like Kofi kingston and Xavier Woods have had in WWE lately!  Longest reigning tag champions ever, over like clover and best of all, they have done it all with class and dignity - no need to make fools of themselves to be stars, no siree"

Draft analysts have Watson graded out as a late round pick that grades out as a long term NXT jobber.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Mark Hunt Files Lawsuit Against UFC

MMA heavyweight competitor Mark Hunt has filed a lawsuit against the UFC and Brock Lesnar, claiming unfair treatment in his dealings with them.

In the suit he is seeking seven figure damages for the UFC’s “Willful negligence in repeatedly putting me in the octagon against fighters who are bigger, stronger and generally better than me”

Citing his match against Brock Lesnar at UFC 200, the legal action states that the UFC intentionally staged an unfair contest and had prior knowledge that Lesnar was ‘A freaking badass who was a former  NCAA and UFC heavyweight champion’  said Hunt “ I mean, how was I meant to stand a chance against that??”

Monday, 16 January 2017

Largest Faction Ever Created Is Formed in WWE

A new faction has formed in the WWE that eclipses even the heavily diluted 1998 NWO in terms of membership, just ahead of the company's number two pay per view event.

Consisting of everybody who is entering the Royal Rumble that isn’t John Cena, Roman Reigns, Goldberg, Brock Lesnar or the Undertaker, ‘Cannon Fodder’ as they have named themselves have announced an open membership policy to anybody whose participation in the match will be limited to killing time before being thrown out to make bigger stars look good.

The group apparently considered several monikers, including ‘Lambs to the Slaughter’, ‘Romans Bitches’ and ‘Dean Ambrose and his Jobtastic Losers’ – the latter in honor of the man who founded the group after realising that his time in the spotlight passed quicker than ex-lax through a goose - before settling on 'Cannon Fodder'.

With the potential for membership of up to twenty five wrestlers, no group, faction or alliance has ever come close to this level of membership, but nobody is under any illusion that there is any strength in numbers. “We’re screwed” said comedy acrobat Kofi Kingston, “Sure, I get a flashy spot every year but most of us will be lucky to even last five minutes before having to throw ourselves out after that f’n stupid Superman punch”

Other notably large groups in wrestling history include:
Dangerous Alliance (WCW, 1991/2)  - a retirement home masquerading as a faction. Every one of the six members had a bald spot, including Steve Austin and Madusa

New World Order (WCW 1998) – so large they had to split into two sub-groups to make it easier for fans to not give a shit about them.

The Four Horsemen (NWA / WCW early 80's until company put to sleep - taking every iteration of the group into account, 17 wrestlers can claim to be a former Horsemen, not including Paul Roma, because nobody classes him as a wrestler.

The Natural Disasters (WWF, 1992) - not big in terms of numbers, but in total mass, they outstrip the above by a ratio of  2:1

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Undertaker Makes Big Announcement

Get off my lawn you damned kids!
WWE legend appeared on Monday Night Raw to make a huge announcement that shocked the fans
“I’m just so tired, can’t you people leave me alone?  I get it that Vince wants a rating boost but I‘m in my 50’s and can barely walk – why are you making me enter the Rumble you sick bastards??”
Apparently ignoring his complaints, the fans erupted at the announcement that the ‘Deadman’ will be entering the Royal Rumble.
He continued “Didn’t you see the picture of me on crutches? It took me ages to get that thing to go viral – take the damned hint!”  followed by “If I’ve got to do this, I’d better be number fuckin' thirty”
As he left the ring, ‘Taker was heard muttering to himself “I’m a grandfather for crying out loud” and "This is elder abuse you know"