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Sunday, 30 July 2017

Two More WWE Network Shows Cancelled

Edge & Christian show
Too pricey is the official reason but upon review it was determined that there was not one single laugh in the entire two series

"It's amazing really, it shouldn't be possible to fail to make a single humorous moment, especially when there are two full series of shows. I mean even Schindlers List managed a minor chuckle in it's three hours of doom and gloom, but Edge and Christian? Nope, not a one. They should send it to MIT or something to study it"

Also, a planned game show hosted by R-Truth has been cancelled before it was broadcast. A statement from the WWE Network said "If the reasons why we cancelled this show are not immediately obvious, please re-read the phrase 'game show hosted by R-Truth"

Strowman, Angle to Form Abused Mens Support Group

Following his recent altercation with Karen Jarrett in a bar, Hagrid lookalike Braun Strowman has formed a support group for abused men with Jarretts husband, former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle.

The seven foot tall, 380lb Strowman was reportedly brought to his knees in front of his colleagues by the five feet, 110lb Jarrett in a scene that was both terrifying and amusing in equal parts. Reports that he peed his pants are unconfirmed but what is known is that Strowman has formed a support group for victims of abuse with Raw GM Angle.  Whilst it is nominally a group that will meet to provide emotional support to other men who in abusive relationships, it is really to give them some respite from the terror that is Karen Jarrett.

"At the very least, it will give me an hour away from that frightening woman" said husband Kurt
Coming to a church basement near you soon

Angle.  "People think I'm a legit tough guy because of my amateur wrestling background, but even I'm shit scared of my wife so I'm not surprised at what she did to Braun"

When asked for comment, former husband Jeff Jarrett responded  "Why do you think I carried a guitar around with me even after I stopped doing the stupid country singer gimmick?  Protection!  I can't play a lick. I really thought Kurt would do better, but I guess not.  I might take them up on the offer of joining the group though"

In addition to Jeff other people invited to join the group include the baristas at the local Starbucks, the  UPS guy who delivers to the Angle / Jarrett household, their neighbours, and pretty much any man who interacts with Karen in any capacity. 

McMahon Inspired by 'Nobody Speak' for the Wrong Reasons

Vince Mcmahon, Chairman of the WWE has apparently recently watched 'Nobody Speak', the highly acclaimed documentary centered around the Hulk Hogan vs Gawker leaked sex tape case and has drawn inspiration from it for all the wrong reasons.

He also though Bambi was
pro-hunting and sided
with the shark in Jaws
Whilst most people understood the core message of the film, that free speech is under threat from the super-rich, who are able to suppress stories they don't want made public via the threat of litigation, McMahon had a different takeaway.

"Wait, you mean billionaires can manipulate the press?? Why didn't anybody tell me?  You mean I could have squashed all that shit people have written about me, even if most of it was true? I could have sued that assmunch Mushnick into oblivion all this time??" McMahon (net worth $1.2bn) was heard to rant at his assistant.  "Jesus, some is gonna get fired over this. Now rewind that tape and lets watch it again dammit!!"

Friday, 28 July 2017

Jinder Mahal Fails To See Why He is WWE Champion

Current WWE champion and Winstrol V vial made flesh, Jinder Mahal is apparently unaware of his role within the company, as evidenced by his recent interview with the Times of India.

"I truly hope to be champion when the WWE next tours my homeland of India so that I can speak to my people in Punjabi and feel the love of all the Indian people as they cheer for me, one of their own as the number one wrestler in the WWE"

As holder of the WWE's secondary title, native Canadian Mahal is laboring under the impression that
I can't wait to go back to my homeland,
with its forests full of moose and rivers
of ice-cold Molson-ey?
there is a chance that he will not be the headliner on the company's tour of the second biggest market in the world. Moreover, he seems to believe that his reign will last more than a few days longer than the tour itself.

"It is an incredible confluence of fate that I, someone who can pass as native Indian, was able to win the championship at the same time as the WWE started it's expansion into the homeland of my great, great grandparents"  he added "Thats a real stroke of luck don't you think?"

Should Jinder be under any illusion about why he has been raised from curtain jerker to (sort of) main eventer, he need look no further than mid-90's WCW performer Frank Andersson was their headliner in Sweden whilst failing to even gain a spot as a jobber on Saturday Night, or late-90's WWF where barely mobile steroid monster Davey Boy Smith had a European title created for him, only to lose it on the last night of the UK for no reason other than to fuck with him.

Upon the conclusion of the Indian tour, the Reign of Mahal is expected to last milliseconds rather than millenia.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

WWE Creative to Change Kevin Owens Character

With the impending return of Russian (well Bulgarian but they are all basically the same to the WWE) uber-heel Rusev, the company creative team has decided that Kevin Owens anti-American persona needs to be changed for fear of having two identical characters.  Rusev was chosen to be the one to keep his gimmick for two main reasons: Firstly, Russia (and Bulgaria) is much more foreign than Canadian, and secondly, he has a hot wife which carries more weight in the company than anyone dare admit.

Pictured: Concept art for
the 'new' character
The writers have struggled to come up with something for the former Kevin Steen.  The chubby prizefighter gimmick is already taken by Samoa Joe and Owens isn't quite fat enough to become a Yokozuna / King Kong Bundy level monster heel, but they feel they have come yup with a winning

After a brief hiatus to have his hair bleached and curled, Owens will return to TV as host of a new interview segment entitled 'Kevins House of Flowers' where he will interview other wrestlers whilst wearing lipstick and nail polish.  He will still wrestle, and is scheduled to win the next Money In The Bank match so that he can win the briefcase and scrawl 'Take it easy with Mandy' on it, a phrase that will never be explained.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Adolsescent WWE Fans More Excited for Leaked Pics Than Battleground

It has been revealed that the WWE has warned its stars that more leaks of embarrassing pictures are likely to hit in the internet soon, which led to an urgent crisis meeting between management and staff.

There were several drills educating the the talent on how to avoid getting caught by not accepting gifts of cellphones or usb sticks, how to spot an internet phishing scam and most of all, they stressed the need to avoid taking naked pictures of yourself at every opportunity.

"Really, that was the most important lesson that we wanted to get across" said HR advisor Simon Johnson "all the rest is good advice, but if the wrestlers can just resist the temptation to take a photo of their erect schlong and Snapchat it to a ring-rat, they might just avoid any scandal. Oh christ, that was my phone, Rollins has just sent me a weiner shot. hey Seth, wrong number dumbass!"

But it is not just performers who are at risk of having their most intimate moments revealed to the public, senior management have expressed concern that some of their indiscretions may end up hurting the company stock price.  Said one WWE Chairman anonymously "Things were much easier in the old days, you could lock the Polaroids up in a safe and only take them out for jacking or blackmailing purposes" He continued "but now, some pimply Leningrad teenager with a laptop can hack my phone and show the world  what me, Patterson, Brisco and the USC mens volleyball team got up to after Summerslam 2014.  That said, it was crazy night and the pics came out pretty blured so you can't even that it's me in the photos - there are a lot of hairly limbs intertwined and that could be anyone's asshole with a bunch of flowers sticking out of it"

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Kevin Owens Responds to Leaked Pics Rumors

"I'm pretty certain it's still there"
Former WWE US Champion Kevin Owens has responded to rumors that there are leaked pictures of him about to hit the internet in typical fashion.  "Get a life, losers" he responded.  "Why would anyone want to spread private pictures of me?"

Owens is one of a number of WWE stars warned about possible hacks of their phones and iCloud accounts, but he is not concerned about any potential embarrassment.

"Hey, I am proud of my body, it's the TV network that make me wrestle in a shirt, they say it's to protect children from obscene images. If it was up to me I would be out there in a thong so if people want to see my naked selfies, I say go ahead.  Besides, my gut is so large, you can't even see my cock in them, hell, I haven't seen it in over a decade"

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Real Reason Why 'Talking Smack' Was Cancelled

Rumors have abounded as to why the weekly 'Talking Smack' show was abruptly cancelled, from low ratings to Vince McMahon not being happy with the unscripted format, but the real reason was revealed exclusively to PWIm by an employee who wishes to remain anonymous.

"It was because it was just a bit crap really"

"I mean who would have thought that pairing a charisma-free presenter who knows nothing about wrestling with a super nice, uncontroversial would fail to generate any heat?"

HHH Confused Why Mayweather Not Returning Emails

As the excitement builds to the Conor Macgregor vs Floyd Mayweather megafight, every major brand is trying to get involved to reap the benefits of the anticipated unprecedented global publicity, and the WWE is too.

I,'sniff' thought, 'sniff', we had a,
 'sniff', connection, waaaah
While the asking price to get your company's logo plastered on a ring girls hotpants allegedly starts at $10m, the WWE COO has being trying to use his insider status with one of the participants to attach himself like steroid inflated limpet to the event, but thus far has had little success.

"Me and Floyd are boys" said HHH, real name Jean Paul Leveque,"I was in his ring crew a few years back and he said to me 'Jim, make yo' pony-tailed ass useful and fetch me a bottle of water bitch', so you can see how tight we are" He continued "So I'm not worried that he hasn't answered any of my calls, emails, texts, faxes or letters yet 'cos I know how busy he is so I expect him to get back to me any day now"

Should all traditional methods of communication fail, HHH has a contingency plan.

"I'll just hang around his training camp twenty four hours a day until he meets with me and  makes me, I mean us, the company, I meant the company, his right hand man for the biggest fight in history. Then it will be me in the Fast and Furious films, I'll be the most famous wrestler in history - you owe me Floyd!! You hear me? I will not be ignored!!!!"

WWE to Sell Fidget Spinners, also Yo-Yos, Pogs

Always at the cutting edge of the cultural zeitgeist, the WWE has announced plans to sell company branded fidget spinners. The small toys that become remarkably popular for reasons that remain unclear to anyone over the age of twelve, but, as with all fads, has started to die off.

Undeterred at the liklihood that the trend has peaked, the WWE has put in an order for six million spinner devices with Xhanghou Manufacturing of Beijing, China.  The company branded spinners will retail for $15.99 (versus the $2 or $3 for non-branded models) and the cheap Roman Reigns or John Cena sticker won't start to peel off for at least four days.

Coming (and going) soon
The move into retailing fidget spinners forms the spearhead of a campaign to sell increasing amounts of cheap plastic shit like yo-you's and pogs, to gullible consumers the world over.  Said company chairman Vince McMahon

"If this goes well, I thought we could branch out into selling branded mini-disc players, but Stephanie told me that nobody uses physical media any more so instead we are going all in with Superstar themed Zune cases. It's gonna make us millions!"

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Baron Corbin Breaks Character

Former winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale and ownder of the most puzzling hairline in all of wrestling, Baron Corbin, broke character on 205 Live last night and actually had an entertaining match.

Giant stiff Corbin went 'off-script' in his bout with Shinsuke Nakamura by showing a hitherto unseen ability to sell and generating drama in the seven minute match.  Backstage, Baron was said to be "elated" with his performance and credited Nakamura for his part in it. "I mean, obviously it helps to be in the ring with the worlds best wrestler, but still, I was doing stuff they never taught me in developmental. Who knew a seven footer could do anything more than kick, punch and be tall??"

Pictured: Inconsiderate bastard
His joy was shared by everybody however.  A small child was seen crying after the match, apparently
confused by what he saw in the ring "it just didn't look real" he was heard to remark between sobs and his father expressed his outrage at Corbin spoiling the illusion of reality by breaking character so blatantly and spoiling the show for his son.

The Reasoning Behind WWE Moving Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar Up To SummerSlam

The rematch between Roman Reigns and Universal Champion and human breach of the Geneva Convention Brock Lesnar has long been expected to headline Wrestlemania 34 in New Orleans, but rumors are circulating that the bout has been moved forward to Summerslam in August.

Vince nearly shit a brick when he realised
this would have to be papered more than
a math teachers house at Halloween
Many have speculated on the reasons why this might be, from an eagerness to place Reigns in the top spot, to making Summerslam a must-see event, but the real reason was revealed in an off-the-cuff remark made by WWE Chairman in a recent interview with the weekly podcast. Said McMahon "We need to sell a buttload of tickets, plain and simple"  He continued "and Roman Reigns couldn't sell that place out if he promised a free handjob and an new iPhone with every ticket. I mean, have you seen the size of that f**king place, it's enormous!  There's no way holy hell we are filling it was that charisma free doofus on top".

On being reminded that the UWF used to regularly sent tens of thousands of tickets to the Superdome in the 1980's, McMahon hit back "yeah, but they had JYD and everybody loved him, especially his coke dealer"  "Actually, that could work, maybe if we get Roman ripped to his tits he might develop a personality. It could kill him but it's a risk I'm willing to take"

New Features Being Added to WWE 2K18

2K Sports have announced a number of exciting new features to be included in the next edition of it's ever popular WWE 2K series - WWE 2K18. In addition to the usual slew of nonsense buzzword improvements that don't actually mean anything like 'new graphics engine', 'improved grappling system' and 'enhanced Diva cleavage', the developer has added a number of actual new features that they hope will bring an unprecedented sense of realism to the game.

Deconstruct-a-Character - Tired of trying to think of a cool name for a character you will play for two matches before going back to being Brock Lesnar? then this is for you.  This new feature allows you to take existing, successful wrestlers and reduce them to one dimensional cartoon characters who instantly lose any fan appeal they once had.  Take UWF TV champion Terry Taylor from super over babyface to utterly despised chicken impersonator.  Transform scufflin' redneck Dustin Rhodes into a blatant attempt to gain publicity by making him a crossdresser, and best of all, pick any successful Japanese star and make him an offensive pastiche of Kato from the Pink Panther and the Mickey Rooney character from breakfast at Tiffany's to make sure you get zero return on the investment made on prising him from New Japan.

The new graphics engine makes the
empty seats just pop off the screen
Pick Your Era Audience - add that air of authenticity to your matches by choosing the crowd of your era and region, from the wild, whisky fuelled mayhem of 1982 WCCW, the joyous, sold-out hypercolor adorned pre-teen WWF 1988 crowd, or even the mostly empty Smackdown Live arena of 2017.

Investor Conference Call:  Assume the role of Vince McMahon (if it's been a good quarter) HHH (for an ok trading quarter) or WWE CFO George Barrios (for the standard terrible quarter) to field questions from your stockholders. Use all your defensive skills to fend off questions like "why are ratings for Raw down again" and "Why are the ratings for Smackdown plummeting". Use your creativity to pretend that giving away 300,000 free Network subscriptions per month actually helps the bottom line and show your tactical savvy to explain why your only successful headliners are either part timers, geriatrics, or both.

WWE 2K18 is set to be released in August 2017

Sunday, 2 July 2017

Reigns Calls Out Sammartino, Superstar Graham, Thesz and Warrior

Former WWE Champ and noted Daffy Duck impersonator, Roman "sufferin' sucatash" Reigns recently issued a video in which he challenged the very, very retired Undertaker to a rematch of the Wretlemania main event.  That would be the match after which the geratric Deadman made it abundatly clear was his last match.
Next on his
Louis Spicoli

Said Reigns "I don't care if he took an hour to get dressed then undressed at Mania and basically did everything short of carving "I Am Retired" into his chest with a bowie knife, I want a rematch with that undead son of a bitch. Frankly I need it, its the only way I get any heat at all in the ring."

Sensing that he was on to something, Reigns recorded further videos in which he issued similar
challenges to other legends of the ring. The list of stars that Roman wants to face in order to build his own, non-existent legend includes:

- Longest ever reigning WWE champion Bruno Sammartino - retired and 81 years old)
- Superstar Billy Graham - retired, 74 years old and whose hips and nees are held together with  scotch tape and spackle
- Lou Thesz, - arguably the greatest wrestler of all time, but sadly dead these last fifteen years. (although he could probably still submit Reigns even in his now decomposed state)
- The Ultimate Warrior, also deceased which Reigns should know because he was there at the time

Undeterred by the limitations listed above, Reigns went on to rant how he could "take any of these legends out because he is the greatest and they are all "Dethpicable" and proclaiming it
"Rabbit Season" on their collective asses.

Ryback Names His Worst Match

Ryback, the homeless mans Goldberg, in his weekly therapy session otherwise known as his "Conversation with the Big Guy" podcast has discussed which was his worst match in WWE.   Amazingly, despite the literally hundreds of low-grade bouts to choose from, he managed to pluck the answer from his CTE brain very quickly.
Mahal was worse than meeee!!!!!

“The worst match of my entire career was with Jinder Mahal. We ended up doing a match on the fly and it was probably my worst match ever"

He went on to blame Mahal's inexperience at the time as the reason the match was so poor,which lends some credibility to the claim because it implies that it was Ryback himself who had to lead the action - hence the crappy match.  That said, many have commented on the incredible coincidence that he named a man who took a shit-ton of steroids and got a push to the world title.

"I'm not jealous!!" Ryback bellowed into the microphone to end the show.