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Wednesday, 22 November 2017

WWE "All In" On Pissing On NWA Legacy

No sooner had the WWE reversed it's long held stance of refusing to use other promotions ideas, than it has announced that it is going "All In" on ripping off the NWA, and the initiatives of the late Dusty Rhodes.

Said WWE junior writer Jed Fugelstein "I just think everyone figured that Vince (McMahon) wouldnt go for anything that Dusty came up with, but then when the Raw ratings starting tanking worse than ever and out of the blue I just blurted out 'why not do a War Games, we own the rights anyway' and regretted it immediately. I was positive I was going to be fired on the spot but all of a sudden, this creepy grin appeared on the bosses face and he screamed "I love it", then he ordered us to watch as much old NWA stuff as we could because we are going "All In" on ahem, recycling, the ideas that Dusty, Ole and Jim Herd came up with"

Just as fans started getting excited about it, the company announced that the War Games match would
Mahal main-eventing is still
better than Ronnie Garvin
be relegated to an NXT show, which amply demonstrated how much support the company is giving the concept.

Fugelstein continued "Then, HHH announced we were resurrecting Starrcade. I mean,  I never thought we would do the one show that predates Wrestlemania, but then he told us that Jinder Mahal was going to be in the main event and suddenly it all became crystal clear"  "Yep we are going to spend the next three years copying and then pissing on these ideas. From a great height"

Anaysts have predicted that future shows could include the Tower of Doom with Baron Corbin and Big Cass against the whole Smackdown heel roster, Future Shock, comprising a round robin tournament of Fandango, Kalisto, Heath Slater and El Torito and the return of the BattleBowl featuring, actually, even the WWE couldn't make that idea any worse no matter what they do with it

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Corgans Plans for the NWA

New owner of the NWA, 'Bald' Billy Corgan has been discussing his plans for the promotion and what he feels wrong with the industry at the moment.

“Wrestling has become kind of more insular and I think that’s hurt the business overall. Now to somebody who’s more of a hardcore fan, you could argue they’re getting more of what they want. But I would certainly argue that it’s hurt wrestling overall with the general mainstream fans. Thats why I'm going to bring in the kind of names that have mass appeal - the JYD's, the Barry Windhams and that hot young star Tommy Rich"

and we have a commitment
from the Dumont Network
for a weekly show!
On trying to have the NWA target younger fans: “We are going to target the general fan. Wrestling needs to get younger in terms of the audience it’s after. I think wrestling as a business a lot of times
kind of shrugs its shoulders how they track the 15- to 25-year-olds. I would argue if you can’t do that, you’re not going to have much of a future anyway. So we are going to have all the latest computer graphics for the TV show by using my Commodore 64 and get this, we will have entrance music when the guys come to the ring, probably Nickelback songs, I'm a big fan" He continued "but we won't be ignoring our older fans, I have already sent a personal invite to one of the NWA's most legendary champions to be the new Commissioner - yep, Shane Douglas will be a fine figurehead for the relaunched company.

Monday, 13 November 2017

ROH Still Bad at Naming Events

Ring of Honor, the inexplicably still solvent wrestling promotion has gone above and beyond in it's quest to give it's events the most ridiculous names imaginable.

Like New Japan but on mushrooms
Not content with it's previous success with ludicrously monickered events such as 'Man Up' (2007), 'Border Wars' (2012) and 'Hostage Crisis' (2012), all of which sound like bad Steven Seagal movies, the company has taken it to a new level in 2017.  Said company spokesman Brian Horstein "we felt we were losing our edge for a while there, but when creative came up with  'Chris Jericho's Rock n Wrestling Rager at Sea' we knew we were back in the game of shit event names!"

He continued "we are branching out into clunky names, you know the ones that look like a Japanese
sentence run through Google Translate"

"A case in point is our upcoming 'Sunshine State Excellence Event' , I mean, what the fuck kind of title is that?, it's brilliant! But wait until 2018, we have some barnstormers coming up like 'Super Happy Fun Wrestling Time' and 'The Slam, Suplex Boing Boing Hour'"

"Seriously, we are just trolling fans now"

Billy Corgan "Nearly Left Wrestling" After TNA

During a recent interview with The Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan discussed his plans for the NWA, and how he nearly quit the wrestling business after his dealings with TNA. 

It's been a rough couple of...decades
“The way the whole TNA thing went down, I felt pretty strongly there for a while there that maybe I should just get out of the business, but then I came to my senses and realised that TNA hasn't produced anything that could be classed as wrestling in years, so phew! I felt so reinvigorated about the sport that I went straight out and bought the NWA!  I honestly feel this is the best decision I have made since I shagged Courtney Love, but hopefully this one won't require penicillin.

HHH Continues to "Tease" Wresting Rock at Mania

Speaking to a group of fans in Portugal, HHH, the man who booked himself to 37 world titles threatened teased the prospect of him facing The Rock at Wrestlemania 34.

“Lately, for whatever reason, there has been speculation about myself and The Rock. I have put it out
I'm just as succesful as him.
 I have a pipe and everything
there, and he has put it out there. Actually that's not true, he hasn't put it out there because he has been really busy being the most famous man in the world, but I would love to step in the ring with him one more time. I assume he would say the same thing if he had the time between making and promoting billion dollar movies, and that he wants nothing more than to do it at Wrestlemania.  At this point in time there has been no formal conversations had, so I don’t want to get people too excited, especially me, but if the opportunity came up, I know he would be honored to lose to me again"

Immediately following the release of this transcript, the WWE has released a pre-sale discount code for the event in New Orleans. 

Monday, 30 October 2017

Vince Ecstatic About WWE 'Going Viral'

The common flu virus,
Vince's new No 1 guy.  Already
more over than Roman reigns
At least four WWE performers have had to be pulled from upcoming shows due to a mystery virus that is spreading through the locker room, and company Chairman Vince McMahon could not be more happy about it due to a misunderstanding  of basic English.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to shout excitedly "We've gone viral, that's fucking fantastic!"

"By god, we are constantly pushing Twitter and Facebook on our shows, and we are frequently the
number one hashtag in the world. I don't actually know what that means, but Stephanie tells me it's what all the kids are doing so it's important even though it makes us no money whatsoever"

"I can only hope that the rest of the locker rooms gets just as viral, if tehy do, we might just sell out some of the shitty, c-level PPV's we've been putting out lately"

Neville Changes Mind About Quitting After Returning Home to Newcastle

Diminutive high flier Neville has reportedly quit the WWE as he is unhappy, but as a native of the North East region of England, abject misery is his default setting.

Years of wrestling around the globe have given the former PAC an unreal sense of how
This is Neville, on Christmas morning,
having just been given a cute puppy as a gift.
he is delighted
good his life should be and that smiling is actually an option.  This newfound sense of self worth has led to his dissatisfaction at being relegated to the 205 division and then having to lose that title to Enzo Amore of all people. Apparently neither the Red Rooster nor the Brooklyn Brawler were available.

Since quitting the company and returning to his native land, Neville has experienced a change of heart and is hoping he can return.
The north east of England is a former industrial powerhouse turned post apocalyptic wasteland with few job and even fewer days of sunshine. It makes modern day Detroit look like Cancun on spring break.  Said Neville; "Ah forgot hoo feckin aaarful this hea playce wez , Ahm gunna caal HHH te ax fre mah jerb back like, y'naaah"

Sunderland residents refer to t
his as 'The Posh Bit of Town'
We have no clue what that means either, and it is this confusion that may prove to be his salvation.  When he left the voicemail on Stephanies phone to announce he was quitting, nobody could comprehend his thick Geordie accent, so they just assumed it was a prank call from a lunatic.