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Saturday, 21 October 2017

TNA Branching Out Into Pizza's

TNA / GFW / Impact / Billy Corgans Travelling Freakshow, or whatever it is called these days, has announced a major strategic move - into the fast growing world of pizza!

The company announced the launch of the  “Impact Pizza” on a conference call recently.  They’ll be holding a press conference at the Crust & Crate Fast Fired Pizza Pub in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada on Friday, where they’ll be unveiling the Impact-themed pizza and an Impact signature beverage. Bobby Lashley and Eli Drake will be on hand to promote it and then physically deliver it to you in 30 minutes or less, or your order is free.

Said current GFW CEO Jason Brown "We are the first to admit that times have been a little tough in the wrestling business, what with us not actually promoting any shows at all, so we felt the time was right to branch out in a new direction, and who doesn't like pizza?   He continued "And would you like extra cheese on that sir, no problem, it will be $28.50 and will be with you very shortly, thank you for your order"

Thursday, 19 October 2017

Nia Jax Breaks Through Wall, Granted 'Leave of Absence'

Nia Jax, the six foot, 240lb monster of the WWE Womens division has been granted a leave of absence by the company after storming out of Monday Night Raw.

The decision to grant Jax the unplanned and unrequested leave came after she got pissed off about being made to again look stupid on the show, and still not being the women's champion despite being the fucking obvious choice.

When she sneezes it causes
 a 5.0 scale earthquake
Jax was already on edge after her best friend in the company and lapdog, Neville quit the WWE a day earlier.  On Monday, she reportedly reached her limit of crappy treatment by the company, fllipped the catering table without anything actually eating anything (which shows how mad she was) before heading to the exit, with extreme prejudice.
A number of male wrestlers attempted to restrain Jax without success. (Side note, Big E Langston, Darren Young and Luke Gallows will be unavailable for house shows next week due to undisclosed injuries)

She then broke through a wall, flipped an ambulance in the car park (for real - eat that Strowman) before stomping through the streets of Portland, scaring Japanese tourists shouting "Gojira!" as she passed.

Throughout the rampage, WWE COO HHH tried to initially order her to calm down, then ask nicely, before pleading on his knees not to hurt anyone before calling after her "So we will call this unplanned leave yeah? Cool, thats totally cool, enjoy your time off, please don;t punch that police horse, aww shit, she did it"

Thursday, 28 September 2017

WWE to Book Reigns Against More Legends

In what many hope is a final attempt to get him over, the WWE are planning to continue Roman Reigns incredible win streak over legends, because everything else has clearly failed.

Following his clean pin of the Undertaker at flagship show, Wrestlemania and his win over John Cena at September filler show No Mercy, the promotion figures that beating legends may just be the key to finally making fans care. The only problem is the company does not have any legends left on the roster, so they are doing what they do best - recycling shit from their past.  Unfortunately, The Rock is no longer prepared to demean himself by wrestling and Hulk Hogan is more toxic than Blinky the Three Eyed Fish. As a result, they are digging even further into their history, with digging being the operative word.

Imagine how much
better he will be now?
At TLC, the company has persuaded former WWE champion Pedro Morales to come out of retirement, followed by arguably the biggest legend of the 70's - Bruno Sammartino - laying down for the superman punch and possibly suffering a broken neck (because that worked before).  If that doesn't work, they are going to bring out the big guns - the Royal Rumble opponent will be a handicap match against the still warm corpse of Roddy Piper and the hopefully not too putrified remains of the 'Macho Man' Randy Savage.  The plans for the next Wrestlemania remains for Roman to beat Brock Lesnar, however, if he not sufficiently popular by then, he will be taking on the Ultimate Warrior in the main event.  Thankfully, the recent demise of Warrior has not had a significant impact on his workrate so the match won't suffer.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

John Cena Lands New Movie Role

Building on his success as heavily muscled lunkhead who speaks two words in 'Daddy's Home', his role as heavily muscled drug dealer who speaks three words in 'Sisters' and heavily muscled idiot boyfriend who actually has a few lines in 'Trainwreck', WWE star John Cena is to take on his most challenging movie role yet.
In Daddys Home, he made this guy
look like Laurence freakin' Olivier
In a radical departure, the star of the original 'The Marine' (where he played a heavily muscled lunkhead with a giant gun, but few lines dialogue) is to star in a new adapation of EM Forsters 'A Passage To India'. It is a classic and complex tale of cultural mistrust and false accusations that doom a friendship in British colonial India between an Indian doctor, an Englishwoman engaged to marry a city magistrate, and an English educator.

Cena is to appear as Mrs Moore, an elderly English woman, a role that earned the venerable Dame Peggy Ashcroft an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in1984.  "Sure it's gonna be difficult to live up to the performance that Dame Peggy gave, but with hustle, loyalty and respect and some prosthetic make up, I can do what I have done for fifteen years in the ring - make fans boo the shit out of me"

The movie is being jointly produced by WWE Films and Merchant Ivory Productions and planned for a December 2018 release, a move designed to garner maximum awards buzz.  Casting is almost complete with Jinder Mahal as Aziz, Shane McMahon as Fielding and Brie Bella in the pivotal role of Adela.

Said WWE Films Chairman Vince McMahon "It's an obvious move for us, we need to class this place up a bit and we are all in on exploiting the Indian market so we are hitting this hard.  Obviously we are gonna punch the script up a bit - that Forster guy was pretty fucking dull, so we have added a couple of car chases, the Taj mahal blows up and Cena has got some Mrs Doubtfire-esque slapstick scenes. There's no way it can fail!"

Monday, 25 September 2017

Ryback Whining about Having to Work On Christmas

The increasingly irrelevant former WWE "Superstar" Ryback has taken to his podcast to complain yet again about earning a lot of money working your dream job in the global leader in the industry.

This time he was whining about having to work over Christmas and decided to speak for everyone on the roster that he is no longer a part of.

Pictured: desperate, steroid infused athiest
“Whether it was USA [Network]’s idea or Vince [McMahon]’s idea, who knows whose idea it was? But they’re looking at it as a way to make money and the problem with that is you’re dealing with human lives.” Ryback added, “we have all these other days of the year we could run. We could do two tapings the week before. I just feel bad for the guys because they have no choice. No one can say anything there. I guarantee you not one of them wants to be there" before adding;

"Except me of course, I would work Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashana, Ramadan, Kwanza, you name it, I would put wrestling ahead of any kooky religious shit if Vince would take me back. Oh please take me back! I'm not good enough to work for ROH, New Japan doesn't have any room for more Americans and even I'm not desperate enough for ugh GFW"

hilst he appears unwilling to debase himself by working for the former TNA, he has done the next lowest thing in an effort to sweeten his prospects of getting his job back - by sucking up to the top star.   "I love Roman Reigns" he said, although listeners struggled to hear it through the grinding of Rybacks teeth as he forced the words out past the bile rising in his throat.

Sunday, 24 September 2017

Ed Nordholm Explains How Impact Wrestling Differs From WWE

Executive vice president of the inaccurately named Anthem Sports and entertainment, Ed Nordholm, has been speaking about how GFW / Impact differs from the WWE.

“Our tagline is ‘Less Talk More Action.’ It’s a style of wrestling that focuses more on the action in the ring than in the storylines, because we have no writers and none of the wrestlers stay here long enough for us to risk planning a long program.  Also, we like to think we offer fans a more personal
Pictured; a man trying to rationalise
the impossible
experience, in fact on some of our shows, the ratio of in-ring talent to audience members is close to 1:1, whcih is something the WWE cannot offer while they sell out 20,000 seat arenas.  I would also say that one of the big differences is that the wrestlers we sign are not the type the WWE would look at, or they have looked at and rejected them out of hand, and don't forget that we didn't have to pay Jeff Jarrett a hundred grand before he left - we got that one for free, chew on that Vince!"

Friday, 8 September 2017

Report: Jarrett Demands $100k To Walk Out on GFW

Consumer of Kurt Angles sloppy seconds and founder of Global Force Wrestling, Jeff Jarrett, has reportedly taken a leave of absence from his position as CEO, Chairman, Head Writer, Receptionist, Janitor and Valet Parking Attendant with the company.

GFW is a wrestling promotion that employs the revolutionary concept of not putting on any wrestling
Be honest, wouldn't you pay
$100k to make this go away?
shows, but seems to exist only to make headlines in the online wrestling press through making increasingly outlandish announcements and purchasing equally disfunctional organisations such as TNA

What impact this will have on the "company" is yet to be revealed, but the prevailing wisdom is that whenever Jarrett leaves anything, it usually spells an uptick in fortunes.  This fact is not lost on Jarret, whom insiders claim tried to use a tactic that worked for him before.

"He remembered holding Vince Mcmahon up for $100k to drop the IC strap before leaving the company in the late 90's and look how that went for WWE" said a close friend of Jeff.  "He figured that if GFW is in such a bad state, his leaving could only improve things so he figure they would pay a pretty penny like Vince did"

GFW have made a counter offer of a 10%  Arby's coupon and 89 cents they found down the back of the couch, which comprises the organisations total assets.