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Tuesday, 16 January 2018

WK 12 Viewing Party Host Suprised No Girls Attended

The host of the self -described "WrestleParty of the Decade" Jason Smithson, has expressed his shock that that none of the dozens of women he invited to his Wrestle Kingdom viewing get together,  actually showed up.

The show, which was hotly anticipated by hardcore wrestling fans the world over, held almost no appeal whatsoever to the average adult female, a fact that was apparently lost on the overly optimistic Smithson.  "I don't get it, everyone knew WK12 was going to be awesome. It had like six title matches and always has the most workrate of any major show in the world" said Jason.

Pictured: Not a Pussy Magnet
His attempts to convince the ladies in his office failed to produce the expected results.  "I told Shelley in marketing all about the New Japan rumble, and how its a great way to kick off the five hour show, then I sat next to the girls from accounts to list my favorite WK main events in order and explain how this years could be even better.  They all said they would try and make it before dashing off for meetings that weren't in their calender - I checked"

Smithson was disappointed, not so much for himself but for his male friends who were hoping to finally get to talk to a girl during the show. "yeah, it sucks for them, a lot of the guys have never been confident enough to talk to a real live woman, but this was going to be on their territory so they would have been more confident.  I know Mikey wore his limited edition 'Vince Torelli' t shirt so he could use it as an conversational ice breaker to talk about how it was Ken Shamrocks original wrestling persona"

Smithson continued "perhaps there was something else happening that night that girls like, I don't know, has a new Sex and the City or twilight movie come out? Maybe thats where they were.  I don't pay attention to that kind of stuff when I've got dozens of hours of PWG and old tapes of IWCCW to get through so I can act superior on the message boards"

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

Miss Elizabeth LJN Figure Joins #MeToo Movement

Smiling through the pain
In the wake of the shocking allegations about Harvey Weinstein, the Afflecks, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, and, well,lets face it, most of the men in Hollywood, making unwanted sexual advances towards women, the problem has spread to the world of professional wrestling with shocking new claims from a prominent figure, to be precise, figures.

The rubber LJN figure of former WWF superstar Miss Elizabeth has filed a collective class action suit to complain about the abuse they have suffered over the years.

First introduced in 1987, the figure proved to be an immediate hit with adolescent boys, but the scantily-clad toy claims she was being demeaned from day 1.

"It's bad enough that I wasn't released until 1987, two years after I joined the company, but look at how they brought out before me - Jimmy Hart? Corporal Kirschner? SD f'n Jones???  C'mon!"

But that was only the beginning of her troubles. "They packaged me with a removable skirt - what do you think was the first thing all those horny little boys did as soon as they tore open the package in a testosterone frenzy?  And the positions they put me in with the other figures was nothing short of obscene"

To misquote Chris Rock "I'm not sayin'
they shoulda done it, but I understand"
The plasticised Liz continued "I was put in countless explicit and degrading positions with other figures - missionary with Hulk Hogan, Eiffel Tower with Ted Arcidi and Roddy Piper, Congress of the Cow with George Steel, and a Lubbock Line Dance Special with King Kong Bundy, Kamala and B Brian Blair, it was horrible" She continued "but the worst was when they mixed me up with those crappy WCW Galoob figures. I'm not against inter-racial stuff, but I draw the line at those freaky AWA Remco weirdos!"

Upon hearing the news, prices of second hand LJN figures on eBay crashed, and anyone advertising Liz figures as "Slightly Soiled" can expect a visit from the local police force in due course.

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

WWE Top 50 Villain List Gets Political

Comedy "wrestling" troupe, WWE recently revealed it's list of the top fifty villains in it's history, and it is clear that a certain degree of personal bias managed to find it's way into the final countdown.

Most of the list consists of the standard fare - Jake Roberts, Rick Rude, Ivan Koloff, etc, complete with glowing descriptions of their in-ring abilities, mastery of psychology and how much the fans loved to hate them.

Slightly more surprising are some of the non-wrestlers that made the cut, Eric Bischoff is understandable to most as he did eventually work for the company and appeared in the ring from time to time.    What has caused a few raised eyebrows is the inclusion of villains who never worked for WWE, but are perceived as being 'enemies of the state', such as former head of TBS - Ted Turner - and L Brent Bozell, who, like Turner has not been a threat to the WWE for two decades, which in the mind of Vince McMahon may as well be this morning in terms of his holding a grudge.

But the entries that stand out the most are notable less for the individual but for some of the contoversial, and personal, descriptions used for them, such as:

No 46: Iron Sheik - "Batshit crazy former Champion who is only on the list because we owe him for transitioning the title onto Hulk Hogan, frankly he was a fat bastard who we thought was expendable - what, we were gonna sacrifice Muraco in 1983? Are you mad?  Speaking of which, who would have thought that in 2017, the Iron Sheiks twitter feed would be more socially acceptable than Hulk Hogan?"

At least they stopped short of calling
him "HIV Positive Wolverine"
No 43: Big Show - "Largest professional athlete in the world who wreaked havoc during the early Attitude Era. He debuted by destroying a cage at St Valentines Day Massacre, then went on to try and destroy the whole WWE by wasting his size, talent and a shitload of company money by diving into a pool full of cheeseburgers and coming up 100lb overweight and no fucking use to anybody.

No 38: CM Punk - "Sinister leader of the cult-like Straight Edge society who was so loathed by fans that they still chant his name in hatred years after he quit the WWE in a hissy fit like the whiny little bitch he is.  Aww, did baby get a staph infection? waah, waah.  Why not go to MMA and get your boney ass kicked by a nobody - oh wait, you already did that, hah!"

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Worlds Scariest Human Also Into Guns

Braun Strowman, the product of the unholy union between the biblical Behemoth and another, even larger behemoth has launched his own YouTube show about guns, because if there is anyone on the planet who needs to be armed, it is the seven foot, 380 lb basket of fury.

This man with an AK-47 is still
less harmful YouTube
viewing than Pew-De-Pie
In the show, Braun, a legitimate contender for Worlds strongest man with a truly bizarre beard, speaks enthusiastically about his favorite weapons for killing people and animals.

Said Strowman "Obviously it is more fun to annihilate things with your fists, but with the busy lives we are all living these days, sometimes you need a quicker alternative than slowly squeezing the last breath out of one of gods creations" He continued "which is why in my eight part series, I'm going to discuss the best tools of annihilation to use in different situations, and which one is right for each member of your family - from a small calibre pistol for the baby, to semi automatics rifles like the Remington R-45for Dad, all in time for the holiday shopping season"

Strowman has great plans for the show and has an exciting climax planned for the season one finale. "I don't want to say too much, but lets just say I bring down a helicopter with a tank mounted surface to air missile launcher, but here's the kicker - I fire it from my shoulder with my bare hands!"

Upon learning of the show, and Brauns love of guns, the world let out a collective shudder of fear.

Friday, 24 November 2017

Charlotte Names "Career Boost" as Dream 'Mania Opponent

Charlotte Flair, former WWE womens champion and recent victim of the disturbing trend of hacking celebrities nude pictures, has named her dream Wrestlemania opponent in a blatant attempt to not only get on the card of the 'Grandaddy of them All' but to try and steal some headlines from other performers.

Said Flair, who has clearly inherited her fathers aptitude for self promotion (but hopefully for her
This is the entirety of
Charlottes 'Vision Board'
sake, not his penchant for banging 10,000 random strangers) "Obviously we have a lot of really talented ladies here in the WWE, and it would be an honor to face Becky (Lynch), Bayley, Sasha or an of the many, many deserving opponents, but there are two who really stand out. I would love to face Ronda Rousey, she is so amazing and she is the leader of the Four Horsewomen and my dad was th leader of the Four Horsemen, so the storyline writes itself. Plus, she is the biggest PPV draw in the world and I can attach myself to her like a barnacle on a rusty boat - just think of all the publicity!  It would totally be worth having my face smashed in by a legit fighter"

And her other opponent?  "If I couldn't face Ronda, then my other dream match would be against Stephanie McMahon. I know she isn't a wrestler, but as the second in command of the whole company, you just know our match would be pushed to the moon!"
"So yeah, basically I'm a publicity whore, just like my father, except he didn;t care about the publicity, he was just a regular whore"

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

WWE "All In" On Pissing On NWA Legacy

No sooner had the WWE reversed it's long held stance of refusing to use other promotions ideas, than it has announced that it is going "All In" on ripping off the NWA, and the initiatives of the late Dusty Rhodes.

Said WWE junior writer Jed Fugelstein "I just think everyone figured that Vince (McMahon) wouldnt go for anything that Dusty came up with, but then when the Raw ratings starting tanking worse than ever and out of the blue I just blurted out 'why not do a War Games, we own the rights anyway' and regretted it immediately. I was positive I was going to be fired on the spot but all of a sudden, this creepy grin appeared on the bosses face and he screamed "I love it", then he ordered us to watch as much old NWA stuff as we could because we are going "All In" on ahem, recycling, the ideas that Dusty, Ole and Jim Herd came up with"

Just as fans started getting excited about it, the company announced that the War Games match would
Mahal main-eventing is still
better than Ronnie Garvin
be relegated to an NXT show, which amply demonstrated how much support the company is giving the concept.

Fugelstein continued "Then, HHH announced we were resurrecting Starrcade. I mean,  I never thought we would do the one show that predates Wrestlemania, but then he told us that Jinder Mahal was going to be in the main event and suddenly it all became crystal clear"  "Yep we are going to spend the next three years copying and then pissing on these ideas. From a great height"

Anaysts have predicted that future shows could include the Tower of Doom with Baron Corbin and Big Cass against the whole Smackdown heel roster, Future Shock, comprising a round robin tournament of Fandango, Kalisto, Heath Slater and El Torito and the return of the BattleBowl featuring, actually, even the WWE couldn't make that idea any worse no matter what they do with it

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Corgans Plans for the NWA

New owner of the NWA, 'Bald' Billy Corgan has been discussing his plans for the promotion and what he feels wrong with the industry at the moment.

“Wrestling has become kind of more insular and I think that’s hurt the business overall. Now to somebody who’s more of a hardcore fan, you could argue they’re getting more of what they want. But I would certainly argue that it’s hurt wrestling overall with the general mainstream fans. Thats why I'm going to bring in the kind of names that have mass appeal - the JYD's, the Barry Windhams and that hot young star Tommy Rich"

and we have a commitment
from the Dumont Network
for a weekly show!
On trying to have the NWA target younger fans: “We are going to target the general fan. Wrestling needs to get younger in terms of the audience it’s after. I think wrestling as a business a lot of times
kind of shrugs its shoulders how they track the 15- to 25-year-olds. I would argue if you can’t do that, you’re not going to have much of a future anyway. So we are going to have all the latest computer graphics for the TV show by using my Commodore 64 and get this, we will have entrance music when the guys come to the ring, probably Nickelback songs, I'm a big fan" He continued "but we won't be ignoring our older fans, I have already sent a personal invite to one of the NWA's most legendary champions to be the new Commissioner - yep, Shane Douglas will be a fine figurehead for the relaunched company.