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Tuesday, 17 April 2018

WWE Reacts to Rumors Rusev Has Left the Company

In response to rumors that the Rusev, the greatest living example of punching above your weight relationship-wise, has left the company, WWE spokesman said  "He has? thats fantastic news!  We
"I'll get this in Impact too won't I?, Won't I??"
had no idea what to do with him anyway and that whole Rusev Day thing was getting fucking irritating"

After a couple more beers, he followed this up with "He had a good run, we even splurged on a tank for his entrance that one time and, lets face it, he would never have hooked up with a chick as hot as Lana. Actually, she's still with us, I might take a run at that"

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Kevin Nash Relieved to No Longer the Worst Reason to End an Unbeaten Streak

Kevin Nash, the former NOW Wolfpac leader and “Heart Attack” survivor, took to Twitter late Tuesdaynight to express his relief and gratitude to the WWE for their actions in creating a new high watermark for shit reasons to end a successful winning streak.   In wrestling, a successful winning is a rare occurrence and the decision of when and how to end it is something that bookers need to manage carefully, which of course never happens.

In 1998, in his role as WCW booker, Nash selected himself as the man to end the phenomenally successful run of Bill Goldberg, solely to stroke his own ego. This was generally regarded as one of the worst ideas in the history of wrestling because it pretty much started the demise of WCW.   However, that abortion was relegated down the ranks of stupidity following the latest edition of Smackdown.  

Going into Wrestlemania on Sunday night, super-over megastar Asuka had assembled a streak that started in NXT and continued for nearly a year on the main roster, including an historic win in the first womens Royal Rumble.  The culmination of the superbly crafted storyline was for the Japanese legend to face champion Charlotte Flair at the biggest event of the year. Where she was expected to win to set up a climactic encounter with Ronda Rousey

That smug feeling of being only
the second dumbest MFer in
wrestling history
In what came as a surprise to many fans, Asuka came up short in her first title shot. Whilst fans were shocked, there was hope it would start an epic feud that would still end in a Rousey vs Asuka Wrestlemania main event.

However, the WWE spunked away this licence to print money by having Carmella cash in the Money in the Bank Case and taking the title from Charlotte on a meaningless Smackdown show.  As a result, Charlotte has lost her belt, Asuka has lost any direction, Rousey has lost her only viable opponent and the WWE stock price has lost about 40% of its value.

And Nash couldn't be happier. @realkevinnash "Hah, Im nit such a dumbass now huh!  If I can get AJ Styles to do a fingerpoke of doom, I'll be free & clear"

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Paige Thinks Being Smackdown GM Will Heal Her Neck Too

Former WWE womens champion Paige has decided to take a break from her day job as care giver to an elderly hispanic gentleman to focus on healing her oft-inured neck in the hope she can one day return to the ring.
Surgery and rest you say? Nope, I'm
pretty sure twenty minute monologues
on the B show are the key to healing 

But the Norwich-born bunny boiler has chosen an unorthodox recuperation method.

"I saw how Daniel Bryan did it. he gave a teary-eyed, overly emotional retirement speech, buggered off for a bit to eat some tofu and lentils and shit, then came back as Smackdown general manager and before you know it, his neck is tickety boo and he's taking on AJ Styles for the world title"

She continued "Now I'm smart, I reckon I can skip the bit about taking a break, and I'm not eating any of that veggie lesbian crap, so I've fast forwarded to being the Smackdown GM. I don't know whether its being near Shane McMahon every week or using long monologues to bore the liver out of fans who are clearly disappointed not to be at Raw, but whatever that hippie twat did is going to work for me, I can feel it"

Rousey "UFC Booking is Better than WWE's"

Former UFC womens champion and all round badass Ronda Rousey has stirred up controvery by stating that the creative team in the WWE is inferior to her former employer.  In a post-Wrestlemania interview with New Orleans morning zoo radio show 'Spider & the Butt Nugget' on 98.5 WYLD-FM, Rousey praised the writers at the MMA organisation.

"The UFC just knew how to book me y'know, I would just walk to the ring looking mean, work a  thirty second squash over a woman slightly less attractive than me and boom, I'm outta there. The crowd just ate it up, and the best part is, they made it look so real -  that is some damned good creative" 

She continued, "But the WWE  keep trying to think of storylines and getting me to do promos, I
Thats not a smile, it's a grimace
from holding in the anxiety diarrhea
thought they were meant to be smart, how did they not see that I can't wrestle, speak in front of a crowd or display more than one facial expression. You know the one - its a mix of utter bemusement and bowel strangling fear"

"I get that they are paying me a shit-ton of money to be here but sometimes I can't help but think that I was signed so they could repurpose a load of unsold Roddy Piper merch"

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Impact Sign Nicholas to 3 Year $450k contract

TNA Impact, the surprisingly still in business wrestling promotion have signed ten year old wrestling fan ‘Nicholas’ to a three year contract worth a reported $450k.  The youngster shot to fame at the weekend when he was shockingly plucked from the crowd to be the partner of Braun Strowman and win the Raw tag team titles.

Said Impact spokesman Justin Heller “Any time you can get a former WWE tag team champion at the height of
"Impact huh? Well I guess
I had a good career"

their fame and straight after Wrestlemania, you have to do it” He continued “Some people might say that giving such a large contract to someone so young is crazy, but the way we see it is that we have a superstar at the very start of his career, and I mean the start, he has only been in the business for four days – and we got him!”

Wade Keller of PW Torch is reporting that Impact Creative are planning on giving the pre-teen a mega push and he could be made X Division champion before the end of the month. Said Keller “Why not? He already has bigger name recognition than anyone on the roster and physically he already dwarfs Rockstar Spud, so it could be a good move for the company”

Tuesday, 10 April 2018

Fans Shocked as HHH & Stephanie Have 'Manias Most Elaborate Entrance

Wrestling fans the world over have been left in a state of shock as HHH and Stephanie McMahon received the most elaborate ring entrance of the night at WWE flagship show Wrestlemania.

Viewers were amazed that the daughter of the company owner and her husband were afforded the longest and most spectacular introduction, featuring Harley Davidson Trikes and various jobbers in bizarre gimp masks.
Image result for hhh stephanie wrestlemania 34 entrance
Their entrance cost more than the entire TNA Impact payroll

"I couldn't believe it" said audience member Jerry Knowles "I figured that with Ronda Rousey in the match, Steph and HHH would kinda just hold back and let Ronda have all the spotlight, y'know, because she was the most famous person on the show, but hey, they really pulled it off with all the bikes and shit"

Some people think that HHH might have got a taste for over the top entrances after Wrestlemania 31 when he took approximately forty minutes to get to the ring due to his being dressed like the Terminator and being surrounded by a dozen animatronic Terminators for reasons that remain unclear.  Fans were confused at the time but figured he needed to do something to compete with the debut of Sting and his kabuki drummers - a sentence that makes less sense with every passing year.

Viewers were left flabberghasted by the way the plucky upstarts were able to wrest the spotlight from former UFC champion and pop culture icon Rousey, who was given no light show, motorbikes, gimps or anything special at all for her ring entrance.  Said industry analyst Mike Rizzo "I think whats most surprising is the way bold move by WWE to pay Rousey a huge amount of money and then give her the kind of entrance reserved for the likes of Tito Santana or Scott Casey on a Superstars taping in 1990, but hey, taking risks is what got the WWE where it is today" 

Braun Strowman Charged with Child Endagerment

In what seemed like an amusing novelty idea at the time, a superstar picks a random fan from the crowd to join him in the ring to defend the tag titles, has turned sinister for bison-in-human-form Braun Strowman as he was arrested at the Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans for wilfull child endagerment.

Image result for braun strowman
Pictured: Strowman - the modern day Moriarty
After being left with no viable singles opponent at the biggest show of the year, WWE creative lived up to their title for the first time in a while by coming up with the innovative plan of having him pick a child from the crowd to stand on the apron while he took on the tag team 'The Bar' on his own.

Whilst it was all smiles and celebrations at the time, Louisiana Child Protective Services took a different view.  

"It was one thing to put a small child in the presence of a giant Irishman with a prominent crucifix around his neck - we all saw the movie Spotlight" Said LCPS spokesman Jonathon Miller "but then he put the child in the vicinity of Cesaro, a man so accident prone, anvils have been known to materialise out of thin air just to fall on him"  

Miller continued "and he might have got away with it too, but like most master criminals, he made one tiny mistake - to do it in front of a stadium crowd of 75,000 and a worldwide tv audience of millions.  It just goes to show, even the most brilliant criminals are not perfect"