No Holds Barred - The Sequels
The
year was 1989 and the biggest star in all of wrestling history *
has starred in his first major motion picture - No Holds Barred.
It was a landmark movie that was criminally overlooked at all
the main awards ceremonies. This pithy heart wrenching drama
that examined the nature and futility of man’s existence
through the pursuit of tv ratings (andpre-empting the Monday night wars by six years)
*Not including Inoki, Sammartino, El Santos, Andre the Giant or Jim Londos
Despite being a no show at the Oscars (and the box office) co-writer and producer, Vince McMahon chose to pursue his dream of creating a movieempire to rival the success of the WWF (E) by creating a series of sequels that instead, imitated the success of the WBF and XFL. Never given a wide release,these tapes are hard to acquire, but we have them, and we have reviewed them.
Note for Millennials: “tapes” are the medium we used to use for movies. Large black plastic bricks that had no menu system and had to be returned to. Blockbuster
Second note for millennials: Blockbuster was...oh never mind. Damned kids with your Instagrams and Youtubes
No Holds Barred 2 'Randy's Revenge' (1993)
Starring:
Bret Hart as Randy
Dave Sullivan as Rip
Glen Jacobs as Titan
Brian Lee as Behemoth
Bruce Prichard as Brother Amore
Director: Vince McMahon
Screenplay: Vince McMahon
Run Time: 87 minutes
With Hulk Hogan on the outs with the WWF after King of the Ring, Shane Films producer Vince McMahon creates this movie, less as a sequel than a petulant attack on his former Champion.
Whilst ostensibly a tale of the good over evil featuring the virtuous, bulked up and now apparently Canadian Randy (Bret Hart) triumphing over a pair of seemingly unstoppable monsters.
In reality the bulk of the run time is devoted to burying the star of the first movie, Rip, (Hulk Hogan) for being a money hungry ingrate who deserted his little brother. In footage purporting to have taken place between the end of part one and the beginning of part 2, Rip (now played by the diminutive and chubby Dave Sullivan) is shown being utterly annihilated by the giant heel ‘Titan’ (Glen Jacobs in subtle name choice from Vince). Between excessive flashbacks to Rip being beaten to a pulp by Titan, random characters made up from the WWF roster at the time talk about what an asshole Rip was and how badly he was destroyed by the vastly superior Titan. In the rare non Rip-bashing segments, there is a gossamer thin storyline focussing on Randy standing up to Titan and his partner Behemoth (Brian Lee) both of whom are managed by the sinister Brother Amore (Prichard). In the climax, Randy wrestles two matches in one night, pins both Titan and Behemoth and celebrates in the ring with all the faces on the roster whilst the commentators extol his virtues and how much better he is than Rip, before cutting back to one last montage of Rip apparently being murdered.
Fun Facts:
- Rip is referred to as either “Hulk”, “Hogan”, “Hulkster” or “that ungrateful juiced up bastard” twenty seven times through the course of the movie
- Enough footage was shot to make a full movie featuring only the Randy storyline, but in post-production, Director
- McMahon chose to take the movie in a different direction, Ripping Rip.
- In a director Q&A at the premiere, McMahon said his only regret was being too complimentary to the Rip character.
No Holds Barred 3 'Return of Brell' (1995)
Starring:
Kevin Nash as Big Rig
Ted McGinley as Vance McMasters
Erika Eleniak as Lacy McMasters
Kurt Fuller as Eric Brell
Bryan Dennehy as Ted Billions
Barry Horowitz as Ray Gracie
John Laurinitas as Combat Abbot
Director: Vince McMahon
Screenplay: Vince McMahon & Vince Russo
Run Time: 77 minutes
After the second installment of the series, most people in the know assumed that Vince McMahon had worked out his issues regarding Hulk Hogan, but since the Hulksters arrival in WCW, oh how wrong they were! Add to the mix the unexpected PPV success of the UFC and the question wasn’t if, but when, there would be a
new No Holds Barred movie. Returning Director Vincent K McMahon created a remarkable pastiche of hate by presenting the tale of a billionaire tv network owner creating a competing tough man competition and inviting the best fighters
from around the world to compete for the UCC (Ultimate Combat Championship) title in an eight sided cage structure. Sound familiar? Thats because it’s the same plot as the first movie, but with a few key differences:
- Brell returns (played again by Kurt Fuller - he was available, he always is), this time with a full head of jet
black hair and apparently with the first name ‘Eric’
- Brell, however, is not the power behind the Evil News Network (ENN), he is merely the lackey of Ed Lerner (Bryan Dennehy), a megalomaniac with extreme wealth, who, despite having many varied and highly successful
business interests, is only interested in destroying the WWF, portrayed here as a good old ‘mom n pop’ wrestling business led by the humble and hardworking Vance McMasters and his wife Lacy.
- Randy is no longer the champion, he has been replaced by the giant, family friendly ‘Big Rig’
- Instead of another giant like Zeus as the opponent, the new UCC features smaller, more vicious competitors from a wide range of martial arts disciplines, none of whom are above using questionable tactics to win.
Instead of the hackneyed plot of having Big Rig’s little brother being kidnapped, thus forcing him into a match against his will, it is actually the network that the WWF is shown on that forces ‘Rig’ to fight. If he doesn’t win, the WWF will be cancelled and all their employees will lose their jobs and be forced to work as hookers to make ends meet. The in-ring sequences show Big Rig beating all of his WWF opponents cleanly and honorably, whilst over
in the UCC, the likes of Combat Abbott (John Laurinitas) and others, use nefarious means to win such as groin
strikes, eye gouging, and in a memorable sequence, a hepatitis infected syringe. In the climactic fight sequence, Rig faces Ray Gracie (Barry Horowitz) a Brazilian Master of ‘Kung Po’ who has been unstoppable in his run as UCC champion. With a perfect 49-0 record consisting of 38 submissions, 8 knockouts and two decapitations, nobody believes Rig The mullet and skateboard were considered too offensive, even for the UCC can win, especially as Gracie has secretly taped razor Blades to his fingers and has concealed a dagger behind a turnbuckle. And he has a grenade in his tights, because, y’know, subtlety.
Following a montage showing him being trained by Vance McMasters, a la Rocky IV, Big Rig uses the power
of good and his overwhelming size advantage to triumph over Gracie despite receiving low blows, biased refereeing and multiple stab wounds. In his post match speech, Big Rig proclaims the superiority of wrestling over UCC, size over skill, good over evil, and most importantly, Vance McMasters over Eric B and Ted Billionaire.
In the denoument, Eric B is shown grovelling to McMasters for a job, whilst Ed Lerner is now a homeless
bum having lost all his money, for reasons that remain unclear.
Fun Facts:
- Director McMahon started wearing those puffy director pants and a flat cap during production
- He also carried a megaphone everywhere he went
- Shawn Michaels has repeatedly denied claims of any ‘casting couch’ shenanigans
- Kevin Nash required three hours in make up every morning just to get his hair perfect.
Zeus Ex Machina (1997)
Starring:
Hulk Hogan as Rip
Tiny Lister as Zeus
Mr T as Randy
Sensational Sherri as Samantha
Gene Okerlund as Vince McManaman
They’re baaaa-aaaack (and by ‘they’ I mean the 80’s)
Whilst not technically part of the NHB canon, Zeus Ex Machina is nonetheless considered by officiandos the fourth NHB movie.
Created at the peak of WCW’s popularity - i.e. the sweet spot between the formation of the NWO and the oversaturation of the NWO, (otherwise knows as the Brutus Beefcake / Horace Hogan era), which totalled about seven weeks. Co-writer of the first movie, Hulk Hogan, claimed he owned the character of Rip and so could produce his own movie. Due to legal threats from the WWF, he and producer Eric Bischoff were unable to use the No Holds Barred title but a loophole allowed for the use of the character names. Basically, even Jerry McDevitt struggled to copyright ‘Zeus’ what with the whole greek god thing. Vince was sorely disappointed. WCW went with a cunning pun on the name of the first movies villain for their title instead.
Essentially a remake of the first movie, but this time featuring Mr T as Rip’s little brother Randy (the obvious, ahem, differences are never explained) and with everything else amplified beyond recognition. Rips charity work has extended to his freeing hostages in war torn Africa and feeding thousands despite only having a handful of loaves of bread and some fish.
Zeus is under the control of sinister World Television Federation Chairman Vince McManaman and is bigger,
more vicious and even more cross-eyed than ever as he seeks to destroy Rip.
You know the story, Zeus is unstoppable, a TV exec pees his pants, Stan Hansen makes a cameo, Randy (Mr T, remember) gets beaten up, forcing Rip to fight Zeus, yada yada, yada. In a shocking twist, the match takes place on top of Cobo Arena in Detroit, the climax of which sees Zeus tumble into the river below, following numerous attempts by Rip to knock him off and then a half hearted attempt to save him.
Smash cut to inside the arena where McManaman is seen falling into a bank of electrical wires, as per Brell in the first movie. Again, no explanation given, but it makes for an amazing visual.
Fun Facts:
- The entire roster of CMLL was hired to be extras. They showed up on set every day, ate at craft services and most importantly, got paid, but not one frame of film was shot with any of them in.
- The shoot took over seven months. The Godfather took six months. Just sayin’
- Director Bischoff offset the costs of production (estimated at $135m) by forcing Turner Classic Movies put
it into their daily schedule.
NHB-X (1999)
Starring:
HHH as HHH
Billy Gunn as Billy Ass
Road Dogg as Brian
X-Pac as Lightning
Shane McMahon as Shane-O
The next in the canonical NHB series (because that matters, apparently) produced by Shane Films and once again directed by Vince McMahon (now wearing a kangol hat and zubaz pants) sees the No Holds Barred Franchise go Extreme, with some serious Attitude.
Despite having future movie megastar The Rock on the roster, Vince chose to go in a different artistic direction by casting his bestest friends and son - Degeneration X in all the roles. Thankfully, the script did not require much by way of acting chops because there was no script to speak of. There is also minimal plot to speak of. The 69 minutes (geddit, 69! Extreme High Five Bro!) consists of the gang riding around in a low-rider, making obscene hand gestures and talking about how they live for the business. Its basically A Hard Days Night without the Beatles, humor , art direction, charm or charisma. So more like Head by The Monkees really. (Boom! Monkee slam! Suck it Peter Tork!!)
There is a vague backstory about them taking over the world of wrestling by being so awesome. The rival tv station can’t handle their attitude and just fold.
There is a vague backstory about them taking over the world of wrestling by being so awesome. The rival tv station can’t handle their attitude and just folds. There are comedic highlights of course - Shane getting a pie in the face, Shane getting his eyebrows shaved, Shane getting left behind at a gas station. basically, if you enjoy watching Shane being bullied by bigger kids, this is the movie for you.
NHB: The Barfighters (2001)
Starring:
Bradshaw as Jake Bullett
Mark Henry as Lugwrench Perkins
Big Show as Neanderthal
Bob Holly as Mr Perkins
Lillian Garcia as Foxy
Cast of the most disturbing porno, ever
The Barfighters is a spin off from the series, featuring the other guys from the first movie, seen in the early bar fight sequences. Lugwrench Perkins, Jake Bullet and Neanderthal.
They were unable to use the original actors for a variety of reasons:
Stan Hansen - too blind to read the script
Bill Eadie - too severe a heart condition
Jeep Swenson - too dead
First time Director Shane McMahon resorted to more contemporary performers who give it that Extreme edge that the world demanded three years earlier.
Closer in style to The Three Stooges than Rocky, Barfighters follows the hi-jinx of the three stars as they fail at different jobs - pizza delivery guys, gardeners, cardiac surgeons - with, according to the box quote “hilarious
consequences!” After each disastrous adventure, they return to the No Holds barred cage to make enough
money to make rent, or that pesky Mr Perkins (Bob Holly) will evict them.
There is a secondary plot that has the boys desperately trying to impress hot neighbour Foxy - with (box quote
again “hilarious results!!”)
Pretty much standard crappy sitcom fare. 24 episodes were filmed, enough for a first season, shockingly it was
never shown on any network, even the WWE’s own network won’t touch it, and they are showing ‘Swerved ‘ffs!
As a body of work, the NHB canon ranks below the Star Wars Trilogy in popularity but far, far above the Fast
and Furious franchise in watchability.
If you can find copies of any of these, please destroy them, it would raise the average world IQ by a few points
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