WWE Creative to Change Kevin Owens Character

With the impending return of Russian (well Bulgarian but they are all basically the same to the WWE) uber-heel Rusev, the company creative team has decided that Kevin Owens anti-American persona needs to be changed for fear of having two identical characters.  Rusev was chosen to be the one to keep his gimmick for two main reasons: Firstly, Russia (and Bulgaria) is much more foreign than Canadian, and secondly, he has a hot wife which carries more weight in the company than anyone dare admit.

Pictured: Concept art for
the 'new' character

The writers have struggled to come up with something for the former Kevin Steen.  The chubby prizefighter gimmick is already taken by Samoa Joe and Owens isn't quite fat enough to become a Yokozuna / King Kong Bundy level monster heel, but they feel they have come yup with a winning

idea.

After a brief hiatus to have his hair bleached and curled, Owens will return to TV as host of a new interview segment entitled 'Kevins House of Flowers' where he will interview other wrestlers whilst wearing lipstick and nail polish.  He will still wrestle, and is scheduled to win the next Money In The Bank match so that he can win the briefcase and scrawl 'Take it easy with Mandy' on it, a phrase that will never be explained.

WWE to Sell Fidget Spinners, also Yo-Yos, Pogs

Always at the cutting edge of the cultural zeitgeist, the WWE has announced plans to sell company branded fidget spinners. The small toys that become remarkably popular for reasons that remain unclear to anyone over the age of twelve, but, as with all fads, has started to die off.

Undeterred at the liklihood that the trend has peaked, the WWE has put in an order for six million spinner devices with Xhanghou Manufacturing of Beijing, China.  The company branded spinners will retail for $15.99 (versus the $2 or $3 for non-branded models) and the cheap Roman Reigns or John Cena sticker won't start to peel off for at least four days.

Coming (and going) soon

The move into retailing fidget spinners forms the spearhead of a campaign to sell increasing amounts of cheap plastic shit like yo-you's and pogs, to gullible consumers the world over.  Said company chairman Vince McMahon

"If this goes well, I thought we could branch out into selling branded mini-disc players, but Stephanie told me that nobody uses physical media any more so instead we are going all in with Superstar themed Zune cases. It's gonna make us millions!"

Discarded Beth Phoenix HOF Speech Notes Leaked

Four time WWE womens champion Beth Phoenix was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year and gave a gracious and heartwarming speech at the star studded event.

However, according to images leaked onto the internet this week, the moment could have turned much darker had 'The Glamazon' used her original speech.   Scraps of notepaper found discarded in the ladies bathroom of the Amway Centre in Orlando.

Angry, angry young lady

Whilst the handwriting could not be verified, the content suggests that Phoenix was indeed the author and was planning to gain some measure of revenge for her perceived mistreatment at the hands of the WWE.

Highlights include:

"Ok, so I get that I wasn't the first woman inducted, and thats cool. I mean Moolah and Mae Young bitches ladies who got in before me, maaaan!. Seriously, what were you asshats thinking??  Wendi Richter!, Sunny!!   C'mon!!  What did I do, pee on someones lunch one day or something? I carried that damn division, I was the only one who took wrestling seriously for that whole time and it still took five years after I left to put me in (the HoF). Christ, even Jacqueline got in before me, seriously??

are legends, and sure, Sherri was right there at the top of the card, but when you look at some of the

"I'm still not sure I'd even be here now if I wasn't married to Edge. It took squeezing out two kids with a Hall of Famer to even get a call.  Fuckers"

HHH to challenge Asuka for NXT Womens Title

Fresh off breaking Goldbergs record for most consecutive victories, NXT Womens Champion and arguably the most talented wrestler in the world, Asuka, has been issued a challenge from an unexpected source - WWE COO HHH.

The 266lb multi-time former mens champion has decided he wants to Elevate the 115lb Asuka by giving her the honor of being in the rin ring with the King of Kings.

"The kid (Asuke, 35) has done really well, but it means nothing until she has faced the greatest of all time, and

Warning: Sharp learning curve ahead

that's me. Look at all my titles, I beat everybody Rock, Austin, Angle, and I did it all with nobody's help, by which I mean I was the head of the booking committee so the decision to put me over was all mine"

"Even if she loses, and she will, it will still be the greatest moment of her career, and it will be good for me too, I never got the chance to end Goldberg's streak so this will have to do"

In response, Asuka said through an interpreter "I find your American sense of humor very funny, now tell me who will really be my next opponent"

Twitter Published Fans Distressed Wrestlemania Tweets

As social media providers come under fire for not doing enough to prevent anti-social behaviour , beleaguered platform Twitter has been trying to generate some goodwill by releasing some of the tweets it's users issued to signal for help at a recent WWE event.

70,000 fans will be seeing this in their nightmares for decades

Fans have observed a gradual lengthening of the run times of the WWE's 'Network Specials' (formerly PPV's) which has been attributed to the company no longer having to pay penalties to PPV carriers for going over the three hour limit now that the majority of viewers watch on the internet via the WWE Network.  As such, fans were expecting a lengthy show at the thirty third edition of the company's flagship 'Wrestlemania' event, but as it entered its 20th hour, fans tweets from inside the Citrus Bowl displayed the increasing level of distress inside the stadium.

@NotThatJasonBourne  "Been here 4 days+still not even hit hlftime show.WTF WWE???"

@ShaneOMacFan32  "This is f*****g ridiculous, Y did go 2 to NXT and HoF too  #WWEOverdose"

@RoodyPooMick "Been here 4 24 hours, Y did I think it was a good idea to watch the pre-show too?"

@Reignsfan665 "F**k U Vince, f**k U HHH, just get to Lesnar vs Goldberg already  #midcardshite"

@StonCldSnr15 "Hotter than Hell in Citrus Bowl+water is $8 bottle. Gouging b**stards!  #DeathIsTooGood4Them"

@PipersCorpse99 "Dont mind the heat, lack of food+state of bathrooms, but that fucking Wyatt vs Orton match was the limit. Sumbody get me out of here, please!!"

@WhoIsNeidhart "WWE is breaching My Human Rights, call FEMA"

@LoveMeLana "If they had Rusevs tank from 2yrs ago,we could hijack and bust outta here #worththejailtime"

But not everybody was complaining

@HBJ969  "Got numb ass,heat stroke & dehydration. Still better than Disneyworld"

The WWE is considering using that last tweet in its next marketing campaign

Mika Rotunda Heading to WWE, Pubescent Fans Confused

Mika, daughter of Mike and sister to the former WWE Champion Bray Wyatt and, erm, the very enthusiastic Bo Dallas, has signed with the WWE and is expected to debut in NXT soon.

Mika is the one on the.....right??

Whilst this is seen by many fans as a great signing that will enhance the NXT roster, and it is certainly great news for the Rotunda family,there are a number of fans aged 12-15  who are less than impressed.

Said Bobby Fingler, 14 from Sweetwater, Texas "It sucks, no sooner had we figured out the strange, confused feelings about Charlotte Flair and her disturbing similairty the that Crypt Keeper guy who appears in photos with her, but now we get another sorta hot girl who looks too much like the male members of her family"

Said friend Will Jensen, 13, salf proclaimed 'Baller'  "Don't get me wrong, I'm aaallll about the ladies and the Divas in WWE, they scratch my itch if you know what I'm sayin', but this chick - she is a chick, right? is just too close to her brother. I mean, what if I'm alone in the house and I pick the wrong Wyarr for my special alone time?  It might make me gay"

When approached for comment, Mika said "for the last f***ing time, I'm Bo! not Mika!!"

UK Champ Bate Announces WWrexit Plan

Current WWE UK champion Tyler 'Don't call me Master' Bate has announced his decision to split from parent company WWE to test the market as an independent entity, free of the "tyrannical shackles of his corporate overlords"

Bate admitted that he struggled with the decision, claiming to be 52% in favor of leaving and just 48% wanting to remain.  He went on to justify his decision with a bullet pointed list of the benefits of

"Freeeeddooommmm!"

his WWrexit plan.

- An independent wrestler on the UK scene does not need the massive resources and publicity of the WWE when I can earn upwards of fiteen pounds (approx $10) a night performing in pubs an clubs the length and breadth of Lancashire.
- Before the WWF(E) became popular in the UK in the early 90's, the British wrestling scene was the envy of the world (or at least thats what Bate's gran told him), right up until it TV slot was cancelled because it was drawing fewer viewers than the test card
- Having access to the US' best wrestlers and the potential of multiple five star matches with Kevin Owens, AJ Styles Nakamura and was too limiting. "I want to be free to compete with legendary stars such as Alberto El Patron, Drew Galloway, Cody Rhodes and Jack Swagger, not the cookie cutter 'superstars' that WWE churns out
- The million plus dedicated, fee paying WWE Network subscribers pales in comparison to the 60 million members of the British population. It is about time the UK reclaimed its place in the world"

The WWE has a long standing policy of having specific 'windows' in performers contracts that are the only times they can submit their resignation letter. The clause in Bate's contract, known affectionately as 'Section (or Article) 52' means he must hand in his notice to quit WWE by the end of April or risk remaining an employee for a further twelve months.

"I'll do it as soon as I have earned enough cash to pay for my plane ticket to Stamford. Thank god I have a well paying job with WWE or I'd never be able to afford to quit working for them"

Global Fears Over Rock as He Fails to Appear at 'Mania

Fears are growing for the safety and welfare of Dwayne 'Flex Kavana' Johnson, who did not make his regular "surprise" appearance at Wrestlemania this past Sunday.

Johnson, the former wrestler and star of such cinematic hits as The Tooth Fairy and San Andreas was expected to appear at the WWE flagship event in a 'surprise appearance', as he has done for as long as anyone can remember.

"I'm just so worried" said Evelyn Matchford, vice president of the Boise, Idaho chapter of The Rock's fanc lcub, and self proclaimed 'Rpckette for Life'.  "His unexpected appearances at Mania has become

He will probably be ok

so reliable, his missing one is like the sun not rising in the east every morning, or raw not being as boring as shit every week, it just isn't normal"

Authorities have appealed for help in locating the beloved star. If anyone has any information, the should call 1-800-STICK-IT-UP-YOUR-CANDY-A$$

Citrus Bowl Janitor to Undertaker "Your mother doesn't work here, pick up your own damn clothes"

The highly emotional twelve minute long sequence where WWE legend The Undertaker symbolically left his hat and coat in the ring to signify his retirement from wrestling has been hailed by many as one of the most poignant and memorable moments in Wrestlemania history.
The company has been lauded for handling the exit of one of its greatest performers in a sensitive and respectful manner, but not everybody was so impressed - namely the Citrus Bowl custodial staff.

To you, the end of an era, to Jose,
just more trash to deal with

Said janitorial staff member Jose Fuentes, 48, from Azalea Park, Orlando "I get that it was a big deal and he is a big star and all that, but is he so high and mighty that he can't pick up his own clothes?  He swaggers off to the cheers of thousands, but who has to clean up his mess? Me, thats who!"  He continued "What kind of example is that to set to kids?

Others were similarly disappointed. Said fan Maria Escobar who had travelled from El Paso, Texas spefcifically to see 'Taker was not happy.  "I just feel so let down by his example of not picking up after himself.  He has thrown Mick Foley off a cage, twice, married a drugged up Stephanie against her will in a satanic ritual and led an army of evildoers, and had that Summerslam 94 match,  but this is by far the worst thing he has ever done!"

We though we also found a giant piece of shit, but
it turned out to be the Wyatt vs Orton match

HHH Congratulates NXT Callups, Self, mostly Self

WWE COO tweeted his congratulations to the most recent batch of callups from NXT to the main roster.

#Raw & #SDLive now have #TopGuys, a #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle  

I was smoking a pipe when I invented NXT

... but they'll always be @WWENXT. 
Congratulations, gentlemen.

Subsequent tweets were sent but quickly deleted
#Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle lets not forget whose idea @WWENXT was...thats right @HHH, and who made the decision to call you up? @HHH

Followed by #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle. Remember the name @HHH, if you are lucky you will be staring at the lights at Mania in a few years, for who?  Thats right @HHH

His tone took a more sinister turn,
And #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle dont forget who will be signing your paychecks, well @VinceMcMahon or @StephanieMcMahon, but I'll be handing them the pen, probably