Giant, Wealthy Texan Accused of Bullying, also Bear Poop in Woods, Pope Catholic

The bullying antics of Smackdown announcer and former WWE champion JBL is reportedly the reason announcer Mauro Ranello has chosen not to renew his contract with WWE.

The company, which has its own high profile anti-bullying 'Be A Star' campaign has expressed its shock and dismay at the allegations. WWE chairman Vince McMahon has promised a full investigation into why he has continued to employ the huge, wealthy, arrogant Texan for approaching two decades.
"I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to understand how I could have continued to pay JBL as

"Is it me or does it smell like
Mexican in here?" "What? its true,
I smell chilli, and laziness"

an in-ring performer and annoucer for so long, and why I have continually pushed him as one of the faces of the company despite the numerous and repeated allegations of bullying and harrasment levied against him"

McMahon continued, "While I firmly believe that I will be exonerated in this matter, it is of paramount importance to the company, our fans, our shareholders, and most importantly me, that I understand why I have paid no attention whatsoever to the allegations that were repeatedly brought to my attention until now, when they appeared in the mainstream press"

Observers expect JBL to be suspended from WWE with immediate effect and ultimately fired, before quietly being brought back in a few months when the shitstorm has died down

According to Pro Wrestling Sheet, WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair was reportedly kicked out of a bar on Sunday evening for insulting one of the establishment’s employees. Two reports claim that Flair was thrown out of “The Deck at the Gas House” in Fort Wayne, Indiana after being there for just five minutes.  It has been claimed that Flair called the barman a "Fatass" before being forcibly ejected from the establishment.  

He just wanted to bond with a fellow member
of the sloppy man-breasts club

A spokesperson for Flair has stated that it was all a big misunderstanding. He hadn't finished speaking.
"Mr Flair entered the bar and began to compliment the bartender by saying he had a fat ass,  ags under his eyes and sloppy man-boobs. It was meant to be a compliment and a precursor to an evening of merriment". He continued "While we compliment the swift action of the security staff of the establishment, this is one occasion when patience would have been a virtue. This is Ric Flair for crying out loud, he would have spent twice the GDP of Guatemala in the bar that night before passing out naked, face down in a pool of Joose Cuervo and pee"

Alberto Periscopes About Either Returning to WWE or Paige's HooHaa

Former WWE champ and borderline star of To Catch a Predator, Alberto El Patron has failed to learn the lesson of his recent drunken online rant, by going back online to answer questions from 'fans'. In one notable quote, El Patron said.

Now I know why it burns when I pee

“I don’t plan on going back there, I’m not going back ever, ever, ever. I’m too happy being out of that place. It was me quitting that place, not staying in that place and not wanting to stay, even after they did everything to try to keep me in, I said, ‘no, I don’t want to be there.’”

It's unclear whether he was referring to the WWE or the most personal area of his disturbingly young and insane fiance, Paige, after he learned of the various sex tapes that exist, and realising that her underwear drops more frequently than the beat at a Daftpunk concert.

Global Fears Over Rock as He Fails to Appear at 'Mania

Fears are growing for the safety and welfare of Dwayne 'Flex Kavana' Johnson, who did not make his regular "surprise" appearance at Wrestlemania this past Sunday.

Johnson, the former wrestler and star of such cinematic hits as The Tooth Fairy and San Andreas was expected to appear at the WWE flagship event in a 'surprise appearance', as he has done for as long as anyone can remember.

"I'm just so worried" said Evelyn Matchford, vice president of the Boise, Idaho chapter of The Rock's fanc lcub, and self proclaimed 'Rpckette for Life'.  "His unexpected appearances at Mania has become

He will probably be ok

so reliable, his missing one is like the sun not rising in the east every morning, or raw not being as boring as shit every week, it just isn't normal"

Authorities have appealed for help in locating the beloved star. If anyone has any information, the should call 1-800-STICK-IT-UP-YOUR-CANDY-A$$

Citrus Bowl Janitor to Undertaker "Your mother doesn't work here, pick up your own damn clothes"

The highly emotional twelve minute long sequence where WWE legend The Undertaker symbolically left his hat and coat in the ring to signify his retirement from wrestling has been hailed by many as one of the most poignant and memorable moments in Wrestlemania history.
The company has been lauded for handling the exit of one of its greatest performers in a sensitive and respectful manner, but not everybody was so impressed - namely the Citrus Bowl custodial staff.

To you, the end of an era, to Jose,
just more trash to deal with

Said janitorial staff member Jose Fuentes, 48, from Azalea Park, Orlando "I get that it was a big deal and he is a big star and all that, but is he so high and mighty that he can't pick up his own clothes?  He swaggers off to the cheers of thousands, but who has to clean up his mess? Me, thats who!"  He continued "What kind of example is that to set to kids?

Others were similarly disappointed. Said fan Maria Escobar who had travelled from El Paso, Texas spefcifically to see 'Taker was not happy.  "I just feel so let down by his example of not picking up after himself.  He has thrown Mick Foley off a cage, twice, married a drugged up Stephanie against her will in a satanic ritual and led an army of evildoers, and had that Summerslam 94 match,  but this is by far the worst thing he has ever done!"

We though we also found a giant piece of shit, but
it turned out to be the Wyatt vs Orton match

HHH Congratulates NXT Callups, Self, mostly Self

WWE COO tweeted his congratulations to the most recent batch of callups from NXT to the main roster.

#Raw & #SDLive now have #TopGuys, a #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle  

I was smoking a pipe when I invented NXT

... but they'll always be @WWENXT. 
Congratulations, gentlemen.

Subsequent tweets were sent but quickly deleted
#Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle lets not forget whose idea @WWENXT was...thats right @HHH, and who made the decision to call you up? @HHH

Followed by #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle. Remember the name @HHH, if you are lucky you will be staring at the lights at Mania in a few years, for who?  Thats right @HHH

His tone took a more sinister turn,
And #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle dont forget who will be signing your paychecks, well @VinceMcMahon or @StephanieMcMahon, but I'll be handing them the pen, probably

WWE Recreates ‘Alundra Blayze’ Moment with ‘Mania Title Bout

Proving yet again that they just cannot let go of the Attitude Era, the WWE is attempting to recreate the the ‘Madusa Dumps the Womens Title Into a Garbage Can Live on Nitro’ moment at this year Wrestlemania show.   The legendary 1996 incident, remembered for being a significant shot fired in the Monday Night Wars, will be played out in match form at this years flagship show by having the WWE title figuratively being thrown into a garbage can when Randy Orton meets Bray Wyatt in a mid-card, heat-free match for the belt.

Mongo is clearly staring at her boobs

By taking a chubby, perennial mid-carder (Wyatt) and squaring him off against the personification of the word dull (Orton, who is has been warmed over more times than a McDonalds Filet o’ Fish sandwich at 1am on a Tuesday), the WWE is consigning its world championship belt to the dustbin of history. 

The prestigious title, which has been held by such legends as Kane, JBL and Jack Swagger, is taking a backseat to a nonsense belt that was made up approximately seven minutes ago and which is being fought over by a part-time wrestler who has twice quit the WWE to try his hand at something, (anything, please!) different, and a middle aged one-hit wonder from twenty years ago on his third go-round, whose previous Wrestlemania bout set new standards for unwatchable and left precisely nobody pining for a rematch.

Wrestlemania is being held in Orlando. Reports that the event may have to be postponed due to an impending earthquake have been dismissed. The rumblings are apparently limited to the Sarasota region of Florida and are the result former WWE champion Randy Savage spinning furiously in his grave