Ross on performance at Greatest Rumble "I wasn't drunk or stoned, I was bored shitless"

Oklahoma-Born announcer Jim Ross has hit back at fans who have claimed he sounded either drunk or stoned, or both at the Greatest Royal Rumble event in Dubai.

Pictured: Ross after taking a piss
for the first time in seven hours

"I can categorically state that I had imbibed neither alcohol or illegal substances at the event. Its the middle east for crying out loud, I would have been hung or shot or something"  said Ross in a press conference.

"I accept that my speech became somewhat slurred and my comments increasingly incoherent as the event went on, bit that was soley a result of my being bored shitless by an event that seemed like it was never going to end"

He continued "it was seven hours long!  I mean, WTF as the kids say.  I had to sit there through the whole damn thing. At least the audience got to get up and go to the concession stand, or have a nap and return for entrant number 40.  Frankly I think I deserve a medal for not turning to booze to get through it"

"By hour four, I was so bored I that started jamming a pen into my leg just to stay awake, and now I have sepsis from the ink getting into my bloodstream. Damn"

HHH Speaks About Future of UK Division "Is that still a thing?"

HHH spoke recently about his plans for the future of the company's UK division.

"I don't even like fish and chips"

"Fuck, I forgot all about it, does it even still exist? Christ, we only did it to cut the legs out of the World of Sport Deal.  And it worked, sweet!"  He continued "Why would we even need a division over there, they are our second biggest market and the best part is that they eat whatever crap we serve, hell in 1995 we could't sell out a phone booth here in 1995 but over there we were filling Wembley Arena. Seriously, Wembley!"

"So basically, what I'm saying is fuck the UK division, now where's my passport?  I've got to go and pretend that we give a shit about India"

WWE Reacts to Rumors Rusev Has Left the Company

In response to rumors that the Rusev, the greatest living example of punching above your weight relationship-wise, has left the company, WWE spokesman said  "He has? thats fantastic news!  We

"I'll get this in Impact too won't I?, Won't I??"

had no idea what to do with him anyway and that whole Rusev Day thing was getting fucking irritating"

After a couple more beers, he followed this up with "He had a good run, we even splurged on a tank for his entrance that one time and, lets face it, he would never have hooked up with a chick as hot as Lana. Actually, she's still with us, I might take a run at that"

Kevin Nash Relieved to No Longer the Worst Reason to End an Unbeaten Streak

Kevin Nash, the former NOW Wolfpac leader and “Heart Attack” survivor, took to Twitter late Tuesdaynight to express his relief and gratitude to the WWE for their actions in creating a new high watermark for shit reasons to end a successful winning streak.   In wrestling, a successful winning is a rare occurrence and the decision of when and how to end it is something that bookers need to manage carefully, which of course never happens.

In 1998, in his role as WCW booker, Nash selected himself as the man to end the phenomenally successful run of Bill Goldberg, solely to stroke his own ego. This was generally regarded as one of the worst ideas in the history of wrestling because it pretty much started the demise of WCW.   However, that abortion was relegated down the ranks of stupidity following the latest edition of Smackdown.  

Going into Wrestlemania on Sunday night, super-over megastar Asuka had assembled a streak that started in NXT and continued for nearly a year on the main roster, including an historic win in the first womens Royal Rumble.  The culmination of the superbly crafted storyline was for the Japanese legend to face champion Charlotte Flair at the biggest event of the year. Where she was expected to win to set up a climactic encounter with Ronda Rousey

That smug feeling of being only
the second dumbest MFer in
wrestling history

In what came as a surprise to many fans, Asuka came up short in her first title shot. Whilst fans were shocked, there was hope it would start an epic feud that would still end in a Rousey vs Asuka Wrestlemania main event.

However, the WWE spunked away this licence to print money by having Carmella cash in the Money in the Bank Case and taking the title from Charlotte on a meaningless Smackdown show.  As a result, Charlotte has lost her belt, Asuka has lost any direction, Rousey has lost her only viable opponent and the WWE stock price has lost about 40% of its value.

And Nash couldn't be happier. @realkevinnash "Hah, Im nit such a dumbass now huh!  If I can get AJ Styles to do a fingerpoke of doom, I'll be free & clear"

Paige Thinks Being Smackdown GM Will Heal Her Neck Too

Former WWE womens champion Paige has decided to take a break from her day job as care giver to an elderly hispanic gentleman to focus on healing her oft-inured neck in the hope she can one day return to the ring.

Surgery and rest you say? Nope, I'm
pretty sure twenty minute monologues
on the B show are the key to healing 

But the Norwich-born bunny boiler has chosen an unorthodox recuperation method.

"I saw how Daniel Bryan did it. he gave a teary-eyed, overly emotional retirement speech, buggered off for a bit to eat some tofu and lentils and shit, then came back as Smackdown general manager and before you know it, his neck is tickety boo and he's taking on AJ Styles for the world title"

She continued "Now I'm smart, I reckon I can skip the bit about taking a break, and I'm not eating any of that veggie lesbian crap, so I've fast forwarded to being the Smackdown GM. I don't know whether its being near Shane McMahon every week or using long monologues to bore the liver out of fans who are clearly disappointed not to be at Raw, but whatever that hippie twat did is going to work for me, I can feel it"

Rousey "UFC Booking is Better than WWE's"

Former UFC womens champion and all round badass Ronda Rousey has stirred up controvery by stating that the creative team in the WWE is inferior to her former employer.  In a post-Wrestlemania interview with New Orleans morning zoo radio show 'Spider & the Butt Nugget' on 98.5 WYLD-FM, Rousey praised the writers at the MMA organisation.

"The UFC just knew how to book me y'know, I would just walk to the ring looking mean, work a  thirty second squash over a woman slightly less attractive than me and boom, I'm outta there. The crowd just ate it up, and the best part is, they made it look so real -  that is some damned good creative" 

She continued, "But the WWE  keep trying to think of storylines and getting me to do promos, I

Thats not a smile, it's a grimace
from holding in the anxiety diarrhea

thought they were meant to be smart, how did they not see that I can't wrestle, speak in front of a crowd or display more than one facial expression. You know the one - its a mix of utter bemusement and bowel strangling fear"

"I get that they are paying me a shit-ton of money to be here but sometimes I can't help but think that I was signed so they could repurpose a load of unsold Roddy Piper merch"

Impact Sign Nicholas to 3 Year $450k contract

TNA Impact, the surprisingly still in business wrestling promotion have signed ten year old wrestling fan ‘Nicholas’ to a three year contract worth a reported $450k.  The youngster shot to fame at the weekend when he was shockingly plucked from the crowd to be the partner of Braun Strowman and win the Raw tag team titles.

Said Impact spokesman Justin Heller “Any time you can get a former WWE tag team champion at the height of

"Impact huh? Well I guess
I had a good career"

their fame and straight after Wrestlemania, you have to do it” He continued “Some people might say that giving such a large contract to someone so young is crazy, but the way we see it is that we have a superstar at the very start of his career, and I mean the start, he has only been in the business for four days – and we got him!”

Wade Keller of PW Torch is reporting that Impact Creative are planning on giving the pre-teen a mega push and he could be made X Division champion before the end of the month. Said Keller “Why not? He already has bigger name recognition than anyone on the roster and physically he already dwarfs Rockstar Spud, so it could be a good move for the company”

Fans Shocked as HHH & Stephanie Have 'Manias Most Elaborate Entrance

Wrestling fans the world over have been left in a state of shock as HHH and Stephanie McMahon received the most elaborate ring entrance of the night at WWE flagship show Wrestlemania.

Viewers were amazed that the daughter of the company owner and her husband were afforded the longest and most spectacular introduction, featuring Harley Davidson Trikes and various jobbers in bizarre gimp masks.

Their entrance cost more than the entire TNA Impact payroll

"I couldn't believe it" said audience member Jerry Knowles "I figured that with Ronda Rousey in the match, Steph and HHH would kinda just hold back and let Ronda have all the spotlight, y'know, because she was the most famous person on the show, but hey, they really pulled it off with all the bikes and shit"

Some people think that HHH might have got a taste for over the top entrances after Wrestlemania 31 when he took approximately forty minutes to get to the ring due to his being dressed like the Terminator and being surrounded by a dozen animatronic Terminators for reasons that remain unclear.  Fans were confused at the time but figured he needed to do something to compete with the debut of Sting and his kabuki drummers - a sentence that makes less sense with every passing year.

Viewers were left flabberghasted by the way the plucky upstarts were able to wrest the spotlight from former UFC champion and pop culture icon Rousey, who was given no light show, motorbikes, gimps or anything special at all for her ring entrance.  Said industry analyst Mike Rizzo "I think whats most surprising is the way bold move by WWE to pay Rousey a huge amount of money and then give her the kind of entrance reserved for the likes of Tito Santana or Scott Casey on a Superstars taping in 1990, but hey, taking risks is what got the WWE where it is today" 

Braun Strowman Charged with Child Endagerment

In what seemed like an amusing novelty idea at the time, a superstar picks a random fan from the crowd to join him in the ring to defend the tag titles, has turned sinister for bison-in-human-form Braun Strowman as he was arrested at the Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans for wilfull child endagerment.

Pictured: Strowman - the modern day Moriarty

After being left with no viable singles opponent at the biggest show of the year, WWE creative lived up to their title for the first time in a while by coming up with the innovative plan of having him pick a child from the crowd to stand on the apron while he took on the tag team 'The Bar' on his own.

Whilst it was all smiles and celebrations at the time, Louisiana Child Protective Services took a different view.  

"It was one thing to put a small child in the presence of a giant Irishman with a prominent crucifix around his neck - we all saw the movie Spotlight" Said LCPS spokesman Jonathon Miller "but then he put the child in the vicinity of Cesaro, a man so accident prone, anvils have been known to materialise out of thin air just to fall on him"  

Miller continued "and he might have got away with it too, but like most master criminals, he made one tiny mistake - to do it in front of a stadium crowd of 75,000 and a worldwide tv audience of millions.  It just goes to show, even the most brilliant criminals are not perfect"

WK 12 Viewing Party Host Suprised No Girls Attended

The host of the self -described "WrestleParty of the Decade" Jason Smithson, has expressed his shock that that none of the dozens of women he invited to his Wrestle Kingdom viewing get together,  actually showed up.

The show, which was hotly anticipated by hardcore wrestling fans the world over, held almost no appeal whatsoever to the average adult female, a fact that was apparently lost on the overly optimistic Smithson.  "I don't get it, everyone knew WK12 was going to be awesome. It had like six title matches and always has the most workrate of any major show in the world" said Jason.

Pictured: Not a Pussy Magnet

His attempts to convince the ladies in his office failed to produce the expected results.  "I told Shelley in marketing all about the New Japan rumble, and how its a great way to kick off the five hour show, then I sat next to the girls from accounts to list my favorite WK main events in order and explain how this years could be even better.  They all said they would try and make it before dashing off for meetings that weren't in their calender - I checked"

Smithson was disappointed, not so much for himself but for his male friends who were hoping to finally get to talk to a girl during the show. "yeah, it sucks for them, a lot of the guys have never been confident enough to talk to a real live woman, but this was going to be on their territory so they would have been more confident.  I know Mikey wore his limited edition 'Vince Torelli' t shirt so he could use it as an conversational ice breaker to talk about how it was Ken Shamrocks original wrestling persona"

Smithson continued "perhaps there was something else happening that night that girls like, I don't know, has a new Sex and the City or twilight movie come out? Maybe thats where they were.  I don't pay attention to that kind of stuff when I've got dozens of hours of PWG and old tapes of IWCCW to get through so I can act superior on the message boards"

Miss Elizabeth LJN Figure Joins #MeToo Movement

Smiling through the pain

In the wake of the shocking allegations about Harvey Weinstein, the Afflecks, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, and, well,lets face it, most of the men in Hollywood, making unwanted sexual advances towards women, the problem has spread to the world of professional wrestling with shocking new claims from a prominent figure, to be precise, figures.

The rubber LJN figure of former WWF superstar Miss Elizabeth has filed a collective class action suit to complain about the abuse they have suffered over the years.

First introduced in 1987, the figure proved to be an immediate hit with adolescent boys, but the scantily-clad toy claims she was being demeaned from day 1.

"It's bad enough that I wasn't released until 1987, two years after I joined the company, but look at how they brought out before me - Jimmy Hart? Corporal Kirschner? SD f'n Jones???  C'mon!"

But that was only the beginning of her troubles. "They packaged me with a removable skirt - what do you think was the first thing all those horny little boys did as soon as they tore open the package in a testosterone frenzy?  And the positions they put me in with the other figures was nothing short of obscene"

To misquote Chris Rock "I'm not sayin'
they shoulda done it, but I understand"

The plasticised Liz continued "I was put in countless explicit and degrading positions with other figures - missionary with Hulk Hogan, Eiffel Tower with Ted Arcidi and Roddy Piper, Congress of the Cow with George Steel, and a Lubbock Line Dance Special with King Kong Bundy, Kamala and B Brian Blair, it was horrible" She continued "but the worst was when they mixed me up with those crappy WCW Galoob figures. I'm not against inter-racial stuff, but I draw the line at those freaky AWA Remco weirdos!"

Upon hearing the news, prices of second hand LJN figures on eBay crashed, and anyone advertising Liz figures as "Slightly Soiled" can expect a visit from the local police force in due course.

WWE Top 50 Villain List Gets Political

Comedy "wrestling" troupe, WWE recently revealed it's list of the top fifty villains in it's history, and it is clear that a certain degree of personal bias managed to find it's way into the final countdown.

Most of the list consists of the standard fare - Jake Roberts, Rick Rude, Ivan Koloff, etc, complete with glowing descriptions of their in-ring abilities, mastery of psychology and how much the fans loved to hate them.

Slightly more surprising are some of the non-wrestlers that made the cut, Eric Bischoff is understandable to most as he did eventually work for the company and appeared in the ring from time to time.    What has caused a few raised eyebrows is the inclusion of villains who never worked for WWE, but are perceived as being 'enemies of the state', such as former head of TBS - Ted Turner - and L Brent Bozell, who, like Turner has not been a threat to the WWE for two decades, which in the mind of Vince McMahon may as well be this morning in terms of his holding a grudge.

But the entries that stand out the most are notable less for the individual but for some of the contoversial, and personal, descriptions used for them, such as:

No 46: Iron Sheik - "Batshit crazy former Champion who is only on the list because we owe him for transitioning the title onto Hulk Hogan, frankly he was a fat bastard who we thought was expendable - what, we were gonna sacrifice Muraco in 1983? Are you mad?  Speaking of which, who would have thought that in 2017, the Iron Sheiks twitter feed would be more socially acceptable than Hulk Hogan?"

At least they stopped short of calling
him "HIV Positive Wolverine"

No 43: Big Show - "Largest professional athlete in the world who wreaked havoc during the early Attitude Era. He debuted by destroying a cage at St Valentines Day Massacre, then went on to try and destroy the whole WWE by wasting his size, talent and a shitload of company money by diving into a pool full of cheeseburgers and coming up 100lb overweight and no fucking use to anybody.

No 38: CM Punk - "Sinister leader of the cult-like Straight Edge society who was so loathed by fans that they still chant his name in hatred years after he quit the WWE in a hissy fit like the whiny little bitch he is.  Aww, did baby get a staph infection? waah, waah.  Why not go to MMA and get your boney ass kicked by a nobody - oh wait, you already did that, hah!"

Worlds Scariest Human Also Into Guns

Braun Strowman, the product of the unholy union between the biblical Behemoth and another, even larger behemoth has launched his own YouTube show about guns, because if there is anyone on the planet who needs to be armed, it is the seven foot, 380 lb basket of fury.

This man with an AK-47 is still
less harmful YouTube
viewing than Pew-De-Pie

In the show, Braun, a legitimate contender for Worlds strongest man with a truly bizarre beard, speaks enthusiastically about his favorite weapons for killing people and animals.

Said Strowman "Obviously it is more fun to annihilate things with your fists, but with the busy lives we are all living these days, sometimes you need a quicker alternative than slowly squeezing the last breath out of one of gods creations" He continued "which is why in my eight part series, I'm going to discuss the best tools of annihilation to use in different situations, and which one is right for each member of your family - from a small calibre pistol for the baby, to semi automatics rifles like the Remington R-45for Dad, all in time for the holiday shopping season"

Strowman has great plans for the show and has an exciting climax planned for the season one finale. "I don't want to say too much, but lets just say I bring down a helicopter with a tank mounted surface to air missile launcher, but here's the kicker - I fire it from my shoulder with my bare hands!"

Upon learning of the show, and Brauns love of guns, the world let out a collective shudder of fear.

Charlotte Names "Career Boost" as Dream 'Mania Opponent

Charlotte Flair, former WWE womens champion and recent victim of the disturbing trend of hacking celebrities nude pictures, has named her dream Wrestlemania opponent in a blatant attempt to not only get on the card of the 'Grandaddy of them All' but to try and steal some headlines from other performers.

Said Flair, who has clearly inherited her fathers aptitude for self promotion (but hopefully for her

This is the entirety of
Charlottes 'Vision Board'

sake, not his penchant for banging 10,000 random strangers) "Obviously we have a lot of really talented ladies here in the WWE, and it would be an honor to face Becky (Lynch), Bayley, Sasha or an of the many, many deserving opponents, but there are two who really stand out. I would love to face Ronda Rousey, she is so amazing and she is the leader of the Four Horsewomen and my dad was th leader of the Four Horsemen, so the storyline writes itself. Plus, she is the biggest PPV draw in the world and I can attach myself to her like a barnacle on a rusty boat - just think of all the publicity!  It would totally be worth having my face smashed in by a legit fighter"

And her other opponent?  "If I couldn't face Ronda, then my other dream match would be against Stephanie McMahon. I know she isn't a wrestler, but as the second in command of the whole company, you just know our match would be pushed to the moon!"
"So yeah, basically I'm a publicity whore, just like my father, except he didn;t care about the publicity, he was just a regular whore"

WWE "All In" On Pissing On NWA Legacy

No sooner had the WWE reversed it's long held stance of refusing to use other promotions ideas, than it has announced that it is going "All In" on ripping off the NWA, and the initiatives of the late Dusty Rhodes.

Said WWE junior writer Jed Fugelstein "I just think everyone figured that Vince (McMahon) wouldnt go for anything that Dusty came up with, but then when the Raw ratings starting tanking worse than ever and out of the blue I just blurted out 'why not do a War Games, we own the rights anyway' and regretted it immediately. I was positive I was going to be fired on the spot but all of a sudden, this creepy grin appeared on the bosses face and he screamed "I love it", then he ordered us to watch as much old NWA stuff as we could because we are going "All In" on ahem, recycling, the ideas that Dusty, Ole and Jim Herd came up with"

Just as fans started getting excited about it, the company announced that the War Games match would

Mahal main-eventing is still
better than Ronnie Garvin

be relegated to an NXT show, which amply demonstrated how much support the company is giving the concept.

Fugelstein continued "Then, HHH announced we were resurrecting Starrcade. I mean,  I never thought we would do the one show that predates Wrestlemania, but then he told us that Jinder Mahal was going to be in the main event and suddenly it all became crystal clear"  "Yep we are going to spend the next three years copying and then pissing on these ideas. From a great height"

Anaysts have predicted that future shows could include the Tower of Doom with Baron Corbin and Big Cass against the whole Smackdown heel roster, Future Shock, comprising a round robin tournament of Fandango, Kalisto, Heath Slater and El Torito and the return of the BattleBowl featuring, actually, even the WWE couldn't make that idea any worse no matter what they do with it

Corgans Plans for the NWA

New owner of the NWA, 'Bald' Billy Corgan has been discussing his plans for the promotion and what he feels wrong with the industry at the moment.

“Wrestling has become kind of more insular and I think that’s hurt the business overall. Now to somebody who’s more of a hardcore fan, you could argue they’re getting more of what they want. But I would certainly argue that it’s hurt wrestling overall with the general mainstream fans. Thats why I'm going to bring in the kind of names that have mass appeal - the JYD's, the Barry Windhams and that hot young star Tommy Rich"

and we have a commitment
from the Dumont Network
for a weekly show!

On trying to have the NWA target younger fans: “We are going to target the general fan. Wrestling needs to get younger in terms of the audience it’s after. I think wrestling as a business a lot of times
kind of shrugs its shoulders how they track the 15- to 25-year-olds. I would argue if you can’t do that, you’re not going to have much of a future anyway. So we are going to have all the latest computer graphics for the TV show by using my Commodore 64 and get this, we will have entrance music when the guys come to the ring, probably Nickelback songs, I'm a big fan" He continued "but we won't be ignoring our older fans, I have already sent a personal invite to one of the NWA's most legendary champions to be the new Commissioner - yep, Shane Douglas will be a fine figurehead for the relaunched company.

ROH Still Bad at Naming Events

Ring of Honor, the inexplicably still solvent wrestling promotion has gone above and beyond in it's quest to give it's events the most ridiculous names imaginable.

Like New Japan but on mushrooms

Not content with it's previous success with ludicrously monickered events such as 'Man Up' (2007), 'Border Wars' (2012) and 'Hostage Crisis' (2012), all of which sound like bad Steven Seagal movies, the company has taken it to a new level in 2017.  Said company spokesman Brian Horstein "we felt we were losing our edge for a while there, but when creative came up with  'Chris Jericho's Rock n Wrestling Rager at Sea' we knew we were back in the game of shit event names!"

He continued "we are branching out into clunky names, you know the ones that look like a Japanese
sentence run through Google Translate"

"A case in point is our upcoming 'Sunshine State Excellence Event' , I mean, what the fuck kind of title is that?, it's brilliant! But wait until 2018, we have some barnstormers coming up like 'Super Happy Fun Wrestling Time' and 'The Slam, Suplex Boing Boing Hour'"

"Seriously, we are just trolling fans now"

Billy Corgan "Nearly Left Wrestling" After TNA

During a recent interview with The Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan discussed his plans for the NWA, and how he nearly quit the wrestling business after his dealings with TNA. 

It's been a rough couple of...decades

“The way the whole TNA thing went down, I felt pretty strongly there for a while there that maybe I should just get out of the business, but then I came to my senses and realised that TNA hasn't produced anything that could be classed as wrestling in years, so phew! I felt so reinvigorated about the sport that I went straight out and bought the NWA!  I honestly feel this is the best decision I have made since I shagged Courtney Love, but hopefully this one won't require penicillin.

HHH Continues to "Tease" Wresting Rock at Mania

Speaking to a group of fans in Portugal, HHH, the man who booked himself to 37 world titles threatened teased the prospect of him facing The Rock at Wrestlemania 34.

“Lately, for whatever reason, there has been speculation about myself and The Rock. I have put it out

I'm just as succesful as him.
 I have a pipe and everything

there, and he has put it out there. Actually that's not true, he hasn't put it out there because he has been really busy being the most famous man in the world, but I would love to step in the ring with him one more time. I assume he would say the same thing if he had the time between making and promoting billion dollar movies, and that he wants nothing more than to do it at Wrestlemania.  At this point in time there has been no formal conversations had, so I don’t want to get people too excited, especially me, but if the opportunity came up, I know he would be honored to lose to me again"

Immediately following the release of this transcript, the WWE has released a pre-sale discount code for the event in New Orleans. 

Vince Ecstatic About WWE 'Going Viral'

The common flu virus,
Vince's new No 1 guy.  Already
more over than Roman reigns

At least four WWE performers have had to be pulled from upcoming shows due to a mystery virus that is spreading through the locker room, and company Chairman Vince McMahon could not be more happy about it due to a misunderstanding  of basic English.  Upon hearing the news he was heard to shout excitedly "We've gone viral, that's fucking fantastic!"

"By god, we are constantly pushing Twitter and Facebook on our shows, and we are frequently the
number one hashtag in the world. I don't actually know what that means, but Stephanie tells me it's what all the kids are doing so it's important even though it makes us no money whatsoever"

"I can only hope that the rest of the locker rooms gets just as viral, if tehy do, we might just sell out some of the shitty, c-level PPV's we've been putting out lately"