Citrus Bowl Janitor to Undertaker "Your mother doesn't work here, pick up your own damn clothes"

The highly emotional twelve minute long sequence where WWE legend The Undertaker symbolically left his hat and coat in the ring to signify his retirement from wrestling has been hailed by many as one of the most poignant and memorable moments in Wrestlemania history.
The company has been lauded for handling the exit of one of its greatest performers in a sensitive and respectful manner, but not everybody was so impressed - namely the Citrus Bowl custodial staff.

To you, the end of an era, to Jose,
just more trash to deal with

Said janitorial staff member Jose Fuentes, 48, from Azalea Park, Orlando "I get that it was a big deal and he is a big star and all that, but is he so high and mighty that he can't pick up his own clothes?  He swaggers off to the cheers of thousands, but who has to clean up his mess? Me, thats who!"  He continued "What kind of example is that to set to kids?

Others were similarly disappointed. Said fan Maria Escobar who had travelled from El Paso, Texas spefcifically to see 'Taker was not happy.  "I just feel so let down by his example of not picking up after himself.  He has thrown Mick Foley off a cage, twice, married a drugged up Stephanie against her will in a satanic ritual and led an army of evildoers, and had that Summerslam 94 match,  but this is by far the worst thing he has ever done!"

We though we also found a giant piece of shit, but
it turned out to be the Wyatt vs Orton match

HHH Congratulates NXT Callups, Self, mostly Self

WWE COO tweeted his congratulations to the most recent batch of callups from NXT to the main roster.

#Raw & #SDLive now have #TopGuys, a #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle  

I was smoking a pipe when I invented NXT

... but they'll always be @WWENXT. 
Congratulations, gentlemen.

Subsequent tweets were sent but quickly deleted
#Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle lets not forget whose idea @WWENXT was...thats right @HHH, and who made the decision to call you up? @HHH

Followed by #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle. Remember the name @HHH, if you are lucky you will be staring at the lights at Mania in a few years, for who?  Thats right @HHH

His tone took a more sinister turn,
And #Perfect10, & the #KingofStrongStyle dont forget who will be signing your paychecks, well @VinceMcMahon or @StephanieMcMahon, but I'll be handing them the pen, probably

WWE Recreates ‘Alundra Blayze’ Moment with ‘Mania Title Bout

Proving yet again that they just cannot let go of the Attitude Era, the WWE is attempting to recreate the the ‘Madusa Dumps the Womens Title Into a Garbage Can Live on Nitro’ moment at this year Wrestlemania show.   The legendary 1996 incident, remembered for being a significant shot fired in the Monday Night Wars, will be played out in match form at this years flagship show by having the WWE title figuratively being thrown into a garbage can when Randy Orton meets Bray Wyatt in a mid-card, heat-free match for the belt.

Mongo is clearly staring at her boobs

By taking a chubby, perennial mid-carder (Wyatt) and squaring him off against the personification of the word dull (Orton, who is has been warmed over more times than a McDonalds Filet o’ Fish sandwich at 1am on a Tuesday), the WWE is consigning its world championship belt to the dustbin of history. 

The prestigious title, which has been held by such legends as Kane, JBL and Jack Swagger, is taking a backseat to a nonsense belt that was made up approximately seven minutes ago and which is being fought over by a part-time wrestler who has twice quit the WWE to try his hand at something, (anything, please!) different, and a middle aged one-hit wonder from twenty years ago on his third go-round, whose previous Wrestlemania bout set new standards for unwatchable and left precisely nobody pining for a rematch.

Wrestlemania is being held in Orlando. Reports that the event may have to be postponed due to an impending earthquake have been dismissed. The rumblings are apparently limited to the Sarasota region of Florida and are the result former WWE champion Randy Savage spinning furiously in his grave

Sports Guy Pissed That Wrestlemania 33 Not Being held in Boston

Just so......punchable

Former ESPN personality and host of short-lived sports talk show 'Any Given Wednesday' Bill ‘Sports Guy’ Simmons has taken to Twitter to express his disappointment at Boston not being chosen as the site of Wrestlemania 33.

"33! It's Larry Birds number for f**ks sake. Everything I do is centered around the number 33, and I assume that’s how everybody else thinks and acts."  He continued "Larry Bird and the Boston Celtics are the cornerstone of this great Punchablecountry of ours, and to pass up an opportunity to honor him is just plain unpatriotic".  He proceeded to spend the entirety of his next podcast complaining about it with his friends Jacko, House, Cousin Sal, Murph, Sully and the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms box. 

Taking a clothesline? He's already light years ahead of Roman

"Haven’t I slurped HHH enough? I hosted that godawful live Raw show for crying out loud. The least they could do is move the show to Boston, dedicate it to the genius of Bird, give me and my son front row seats and make sure all his favorites win, including Larry legend beating Roman Reigns for the Universal Title.

If not for me, then do it for the long-suffering sports fans of Boston.  In the last ten years, all we have had is a couple of world series wins, an NBA championship and a Stanley Cup, plus we haven’t won a Superbowl since January. January!! C’mon WWE! Show spare a thought for us downtrodden New Englanders!

It's been tough for the sports fans of beantown

Backstage meeting Held at Raw to Discuss Paige Pics

In case you haven't seen it, yeah right

It has been reported that an emergency meeting took place backstage at this weeks at Raw show, to discuss the leaked nude pics of WWE Diva Paige.  

A 'satisfactory' meeting

Earlier in the day, an intern was tasked with locating every picture that had been released on the internet and to print several copies of each, in high definition A3 size, for ‘discussion’ at the gathering.   The meeting was held behind closed doors and was attended by only the WWE top brass, although curiously, WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon was not present.  The session lasted approximately half an hour and was said to be quite intense. Whilst no raised voices were heard coming from the room, all participants emerged red faced and exhausted, but seemingly satisfied with the outcome of the meeting.  It would appear that the group must have developed a robust policy for this kind of thing happening again because Chief McMahon lickspittle Gerald Brisco was heard laughing and saying “I sure hope Becky Lynch’s phone gets hacked next”

Paige Bringing Back Attitude Era

Its the Topless Crusader!

In a potentially misguided attempt to prove herself to be a model employee, outcast Diva and middle aged man enthusiast Paige has begun a one-woman campaign to boost the WWE’s fortunes by reviving their most successful run – the Attitude Era.

The WWE in the late 90’s was noted for its wild and unpredictable storylines, lack of respect for authority, increased risk taking and exposed female flesh.

With her antics over the last few months, the Norwich-born former womens champion has shown all of these attributes in spades, culminating in her “leaked” cellphone pics that would have caused a major storm in the media had it not been for two factors: firstly, alleged pics and videos of Emma ‘Hermione Granger’ Watson were purportedly leaked at the same time, and secondly, Paige, for all her considerable charms, is not overly blessed in the upper chest department

New Posters Indicate that Shinsuke Nakamura Could Be Jobbing on the Main Roster Soon

A new range of posters released by WWE give clear hints that three time IWGP Champion and Wrestling Observer Hall of Famer Shinsuke Nakamura will be brought up to the main roster soon.  The Japanese legend is expected to debut on either Raw or Smackdown after Wrestlemania so that he start looking at the lights for opponents such as Mojo Rawley, Baron Corbin and Jinder Mahal.

Maybe if I imitate DX, I'll last longer

Nakamura expressed his excitement at his impending promotion, saying through his interpreter “I am very looking forward (sic) to challenging the stars of WWE.  Mr HHH has given me great booking sheet  – Randy Orton, John Cena and Roman Reigns” he continued “No results on booking sheet but I am sure my strong style will match up equally against the best of WWE” adding “my question is why is booking only for four weeks? Who will I be facing after that?”

Pictured: A Samoan

Whilst some hardcore fans  have expressed doubts about Nakamuras ability to succeed in WWE, Chief Operating Officer HHH dismissed their concerns by citing the companies track record in promoting Japanese stars. “hey, Kaientai were right there in the middle of the Attitude era that Hakushi guy had a run with none other than Bret Hart and don’t forget Yokozuna, that Japanese fella held the title for a year!”