Leaked WWE Memo Reveals Reasons for Choosing New Orleans as Host for WrestleMania 34

The WWE has announced that it's 2018 flagship show, Wrestlemania, will be held in New Orleans.  The announcement came as a surprise to many who thought that either Minnesota or Philadelphia had the inside track on being the host city, particularly as the 'Granddaddy of Them All' emanated from the Louisiana city as recently as 2014.

Today, a  leaked memo from WWE headquarters has shed light on why the company chose to return to The Big Easy so soon. The memo is untitled but is allegedly in the hadwriting of company chairman Vince McMahon has been edited for coherence and to remove profanity.

- Vince wants to show the world he can outdraw anything that fat slob Bill Watts did and finally win the end the

Puppies?

decades old WWE / UWF feud

- Hurricanes and plenty of ‘em, "I f*****g love those things, they f*** you up so damned quick"

- Vince really loved the CW TV show 'The Originals' and hopes this time he gets to meet meets some real vampires "Preferably the sexy ones"

- "Get this -  if you give a chick some beads, she will show you her boobs? How f*****g awesome is that??"
 (side note, order a dozen cases of beads, if Linda asks why, say its for a new Samoan character or something)

- Gives us an excuse to finally induct Lash Laroux into the Hall of Fame
- Did I mention the hurricanes? and the boobs?

Deshaun Watson Declares for WWE Draft

Former Heisman trophy nominee and national collegiate championship quarterback,

Clemson 4 Life

Deshaun Watson has declared himself eligible for the next WWE Draft.

"They still have those right?" asked Watson at the post game press conference. "I haven't watched WWE since elementary school, but man I remember being pumped for who was going to Raw and who would wrasslin' on Thursdays on Smackdown"

Rumors that his declaration was a response to reports that he is predicted to fall to the third or fourth round of the NFL draft have been unconfirmed, but Watson feels that his exceptional athletic gifts will translate well to the promotion that has featured such stars as Kevin Owens, Yokozuna and Mick Foley as world champions.

"I'm bound to be a high pick, just look at the incredible success that other undersized African Americans like Kofi kingston and Xavier Woods have had in WWE lately!  Longest reigning tag champions ever, over like clover and best of all, they have done it all with class and dignity - no need to make fools of themselves to be stars, no siree"

Draft analysts have Watson graded out as a late round pick that grades out as a long term NXT jobber.

Mark Hunt Files Lawsuit Against UFC

MMA heavyweight competitor Mark Hunt has filed a lawsuit against the UFC and Brock Lesnar, claiming unfair treatment in his dealings with them.

In the suit he is seeking seven figure damages for the UFC’s “Willful negligence in repeatedly putting me in the octagon against fighters who are bigger, stronger and generally better than me”

Citing his match against Brock Lesnar at UFC 200, the legal action states that the UFC intentionally staged an unfair contest and had prior knowledge that Lesnar was ‘A freaking badass who was a former  NCAA and UFC heavyweight champion’  said Hunt “ I mean, how was I meant to stand a chance against that??”

Largest Faction Ever Created Is Formed in WWE

A new faction has formed in the WWE that eclipses even the heavily diluted 1998 NWO in terms of membership, just ahead of the company's number two pay per view event.

Consisting of everybody who is entering the Royal Rumble that isn’t John Cena, Roman Reigns, Goldberg, Brock Lesnar or the Undertaker, ‘Cannon Fodder’ as they have named themselves have announced an open membership policy to anybody whose participation in the match will be limited to killing time before being thrown out to make bigger stars look good.

The group apparently considered several monikers, including ‘Lambs to the Slaughter’, ‘Romans Bitches’ and ‘Dean Ambrose and his Jobtastic Losers’ – the latter in honor of the man who founded the group after realising that his time in the spotlight passed quicker than ex-lax through a goose - before settling on 'Cannon Fodder'.

With the potential for membership of up to twenty five wrestlers, no group, faction or alliance has ever come close to this level of membership, but nobody is under any illusion that there is any strength in numbers. “We’re screwed” said comedy acrobat Kofi Kingston, “Sure, I get a flashy spot every year but most of us will be lucky to even last five minutes before having to throw ourselves out after that f’n stupid Superman punch”

Other notably large groups in wrestling history include:

Dangerous Alliance (WCW, 1991/2)  - a retirement home masquerading as a faction. Every one of the six members had a bald spot, including Steve Austin and Madusa

New World Order (WCW 1998) – so large they had to split into two sub-groups to make it easier for fans to not give a shit about them.

The Four Horsemen (NWA / WCW early 80's until company put to sleep - taking every iteration of the group into account, 17 wrestlers can claim to be a former Horsemen, not including Paul Roma, because nobody classes him as a wrestler.

The Natural Disasters (WWF, 1992) - not big in terms of numbers, but in total mass, they outstrip the above by a ratio of  2:1

Undertaker Makes Big Announcement

Get off my lawn you damned kids!

WWE legend appeared on Monday Night Raw to make a huge announcement that shocked the fans

“I’m just so tired, can’t you people leave me alone?  I get it that Vince wants a rating boost but I‘m in my 50’s and can barely walk – why are you making me enter the Rumble you sick bastards??”

Apparently ignoring his complaints, the fans erupted at the announcement that the ‘Deadman’ will be entering the Royal Rumble.

He continued “Didn’t you see the picture of me on crutches? It took me ages to get that thing to go viral – take the damned hint!”  followed by “If I’ve got to do this, I’d better be number fuckin' thirty”

As he left the ring, ‘Taker was heard muttering to himself “I’m a grandfather for crying out loud” and "This is elder abuse you know"

Jim Ross Comments on Hulk Hogan’s Return

Former WWE announcer and college football fetishist Jim Ross, has spoken publicly about the prospect of Hulk Hogan returning to the WWE at Wrestlemania.

“He’s a legend and the Babe Ruth of wrestling so why not, he would create a great spark in his home state, but seriously people, what do I have to do to get back with that company???”

Ross continued to rant on his weekly podcast

“He gets caught on tape with a floppy weiner, ranting about homosexuals and minorties and they are going to put him on the biggest show of the year! Maybe I should do more of that kinda stuff instead of all the in depth analysis and insightful commentary that I have been doing for thirty years in an effort to give this freak show they call wrestling an air of credibility!”

“Maybe if I took my pants off right now and started jacking my tallywhacker live on Facetube (sic), I’d get to call the main event!!” At which point he began to do just that before the webcam went black.

The following day, Ross was unavailable for comment, but his spokesperson said that the incident was not something Jim was proud of, he had a bad reaction to the medication he was taking, and could HHH call him as soon as he can because he has some great booking ideas for Rusev that involve Steve ‘Dr Death’ Williams.

Adrian Street To Release Volume 8 of his Biography – Still Only in His Middle School Years

Volume 1 - Covered the difficult period between conception and leaving the womb “I had to fight harder than any man ever had to get out of that godforsaken place, everybody told me “you’ll be back” but I showed them, and when I cried for the first time, the world knew I had arrived!”Volume 2 – All about weaning off his mothers nipple. 350 pages, not kidding

Volume 3 – The trials and tribulations of potty training “Immediately, 'The Man' tried to get me to conform to his standards, but I wasn;t like the others in my tiny Welsh village, I yearned for more! Which is why I stayed in nappies (diapers) until I was eleven years old. They called me weird, but weird is what made me money all my life

Volumes 4 & 5 – His first day at school. Not the tale of his time at his first school, both volumes cover JUST the first day.  It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions, naps, pant wetting ‘accidents’ culminating in a triumphant finger painting of his family followed by sausages and beans for dinner.  Emotional stuff

Volume 6 – Mostly his reflections on the influence of television on a six year old Adrian. They only had one small black and white tv in the whole tiny Welsh village that he grew up in. Despite being in Wales and a decade late, he was somehow able to see the Dumont Network and was inspired by the likes of Gorgeous George.

Volume 7 – The whole book tells the tale of Christmas morning 1946. All he wanted was a little Dolly Doris, but his father, being a coal miner and not wanting his son to grown up 'bent' bought him boxing gloves instaed. "Maybe if they had just got me that doll, I wouldn;t have wanted to fight the world, but by giving me those gloves, they not only gave me the desire to fight, but also the tools!" "Didn't stop me from covering them in pink glitter though"

Volume 8 – Attending Phyphelli Middle school, the trials and tribulations of wearing glittery eye shadow to Rugby practice, and the first time people thought he was gay because he refused to agree with his friends view that “girls smell”.

Upcoming volumes

Volume 9 - A slight diversion from the linear storytelling as he debates the various names he considered for his character, before landing on Adrian Street. Brian Avenue, Gerald P Throughfare, Jake Pavement, Stuart Highway, and Peter 'Junction 13 off the M6' Polowski