Backstage meeting Held at Raw to Discuss Paige Pics

In case you haven't seen it, yeah right

It has been reported that an emergency meeting took place backstage at this weeks at Raw show, to discuss the leaked nude pics of WWE Diva Paige.  

A 'satisfactory' meeting

Earlier in the day, an intern was tasked with locating every picture that had been released on the internet and to print several copies of each, in high definition A3 size, for ‘discussion’ at the gathering.   The meeting was held behind closed doors and was attended by only the WWE top brass, although curiously, WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon was not present.  The session lasted approximately half an hour and was said to be quite intense. Whilst no raised voices were heard coming from the room, all participants emerged red faced and exhausted, but seemingly satisfied with the outcome of the meeting.  It would appear that the group must have developed a robust policy for this kind of thing happening again because Chief McMahon lickspittle Gerald Brisco was heard laughing and saying “I sure hope Becky Lynch’s phone gets hacked next”

Paige Bringing Back Attitude Era

Its the Topless Crusader!

In a potentially misguided attempt to prove herself to be a model employee, outcast Diva and middle aged man enthusiast Paige has begun a one-woman campaign to boost the WWE’s fortunes by reviving their most successful run – the Attitude Era.

The WWE in the late 90’s was noted for its wild and unpredictable storylines, lack of respect for authority, increased risk taking and exposed female flesh.

With her antics over the last few months, the Norwich-born former womens champion has shown all of these attributes in spades, culminating in her “leaked” cellphone pics that would have caused a major storm in the media had it not been for two factors: firstly, alleged pics and videos of Emma ‘Hermione Granger’ Watson were purportedly leaked at the same time, and secondly, Paige, for all her considerable charms, is not overly blessed in the upper chest department

New Posters Indicate that Shinsuke Nakamura Could Be Jobbing on the Main Roster Soon

A new range of posters released by WWE give clear hints that three time IWGP Champion and Wrestling Observer Hall of Famer Shinsuke Nakamura will be brought up to the main roster soon.  The Japanese legend is expected to debut on either Raw or Smackdown after Wrestlemania so that he start looking at the lights for opponents such as Mojo Rawley, Baron Corbin and Jinder Mahal.

Maybe if I imitate DX, I'll last longer

Nakamura expressed his excitement at his impending promotion, saying through his interpreter “I am very looking forward (sic) to challenging the stars of WWE.  Mr HHH has given me great booking sheet  – Randy Orton, John Cena and Roman Reigns” he continued “No results on booking sheet but I am sure my strong style will match up equally against the best of WWE” adding “my question is why is booking only for four weeks? Who will I be facing after that?”

Pictured: A Samoan

Whilst some hardcore fans  have expressed doubts about Nakamuras ability to succeed in WWE, Chief Operating Officer HHH dismissed their concerns by citing the companies track record in promoting Japanese stars. “hey, Kaientai were right there in the middle of the Attitude era that Hakushi guy had a run with none other than Bret Hart and don’t forget Yokozuna, that Japanese fella held the title for a year!”

Mick Foley Under Impression There Will Be a Season 2 of Holey Foley

Bestselling author and unabashed publicity whore, Mick Foley decided that he had been out of the spotlight for too long.  His solution to this? Have cameras follow him and his family around as they get into ‘wacky adventures” and he has to deal with some Dad stuff that will make him appear so lovable while he discreetly pimps out his daughter for fame.

The show was not well received by critics and has been blamed for a drop in WWE Network subscribers of over 40,000 per month.  

In a survey sent to current and former subscribers that was designed to ascertain what viewers did and did not like, Holey Foley was almost uniformly derided as the worst thing on Netwrok, and that includes The Edge & Christian Show and Camp WWE.  Hatred for the ‘unscripted slice of crazy family life’ was so bad, that some survey were returned with death threats against Foley scrawled over them in blood or faeces.  This was doubly impressive considering it was an electronic survey sent by email.

Amongst the more coherent complaints about the show was from Jackson Meadows in Bois, Idaho  “I love the WWE and can’t get enoughof the in-ring action, but I unsubscribed because I didn’t want to risk switching it on and even seeing a second of that pile of hot garbage”

In response,  the company has decided that ‘Holey Foley’ will not be renewed for a second season, nor will the first season be made available on demand and the original tapes burnt and exorcised by a Catholic priest.  Any on-screen employee who even makes reference to the show will be subject to swift and immediate disciplinary

He has a point

action.

Despite this, Mick Foley himself remains upbeat about the chances of being renewed for a second season, on the basis that “everybody loves me” and he is “just like an unwashed, toothless Santa Claus, with a hot daughter”

Rumor: Obama To Be in Shaq’s Corner at ‘Mania?

In what would be the biggest celebrity appearance since Mike Tyson in 1998, former President Barack Obama is rumored to be appearing at the WWE flagship show in March. 

Wrestlemania 33 from Orlando was always planned to be a star studded affair, particularly with the addition of NBA hall of famer Shaquille O’Neal to the card, but reports suggest it could get even more prestigious with the addition of none other than former US president, Barack Obama, to the lineup.

It has been reported that famed basketball fan Obama has agreed to be in the corner of Shaq for his match 

Maybe I'll use the Von Erich Claw on Big Show

against Big Show at the big show in March. 

“Shaqs my friend, and hell, I got a lot of free time on my hands now I’m no longer the leader of the free world, so why not.  I’ll take a ride to Florida, take the kids to Disney world and then help my main man kick some flabby white ass”

He continued “Besides, if Trump is going to try and wipe out my legacy, I’m talking Obamacare and respect for the office, then I’m going to do the same to his, starting with WWE!  Ain’t nobody gonna remember what that orange faced bitch did in the ring after they get a load of me at Mania, if ya smeeeellll what the Barack, is cookin’!”

WWE Elimination Chamber PPV Completes Company Feminism Quota for Next Decade

With so many of its Smackdown headliners occupied in the main event, the WWE Smackdown PPV ‘Elimination Chamber’, the company was forced to stage no less than three womens matches on the card, including a tag match.  

Whilst some observers hailed the move to have almost half of the cards matches featuring women as being

Pictured: Women doing actual wrestling

brave and moving the company into a new direction where womens matches are seen as being on an equal footing as their male counterparts, others were more cynical.

“They only used that many ladies because they needed to fill out the card” said Wade Keller of PW Torch “They allocated all their guys who can draw to the main event, and then used all the mid carders in a tag turmoil thing, so they really had nobody left”

There was none of this (sigh)

Said WWE road agent Bob ‘Sgt Slaughter’ Remus “Yep, he’s right, the bookers really dropped a bollock on that one. We had three hours to fill and nobody to fill it with, unless you wanted the Ziggler handicap match to go 50 minutes?? Thought not”  he added “besides, that one show had more than triple the amount of womens wrestling than we showed for the entire decade of the nineties, and nobody ended up in lingerie or a kiddie pool of chocolate pudding, so it should keep the feminists off our backs until at least 2026”

Linda McMahon Given Small Business Administation Cabinet Post

Reality show star, low-grade steak peddler and new US president, Donald Trump, has made a surprise move in filling out his first cabinet.

Former WWE Chairperson and twice failed Republican senate candidate Linda McMahon has been appointed to the post of Secretary of Small Business Administration.

Whilst some have questioned the decision to put the wife of one of entertainments most shady characters in a

top government job, President Trump defended move in a press conference’

“Nobody, and I mean nobody is more suited to the role of overseeing small business than Linda.  She has years of experience in the field.  As WWE chairman, she took their flagship show ‘Raw’ from a ratings monster, getting shares of 7 and 8 every Monday night, to being watched by less than half of those people – hell, maybe even a quarter.  Not only that, this company used to run three live shows a night, that a night people, and now they have cut that back to three a week.  You can’t tell me that doesn’t display incredible expertise in creating a small company. It’s just maths, plain and simple”

The appointment has been met with accusations of cronyism, siting the long personal relationship between Trump and the McMahons going back to Trump Plaza hosting the 4 hour borefest Wrestlemania 4 in 1988 and the Presidents appearance in a hair vs hair match at Wrestlemania 23.

In retaliation, Trump tweeted “Nthng 2 do with being frnds, McMahons donated $6m to my campaign. That’s why she got the job”